Only when he’s smoked half of it does he focus back on me again with the cigarette resting between his lips. “What if I told you I didn’t want to work for your father?” he asks. “What if I had to work for him, but only for a while?”
I fiddle with the bracelet on my wrist. “Okay… But why?”
He removes the cigarette from his lips, reaches out the window, and grazes his thumb across the end, scattering ashes through the air. He takes another long drag and exhales before flicking the cigarette outside. Then he rolls up the window and wipes his damp hands on his jeans
“I can’t go into the details just yet. All I can say is that I don’t want to be working for your father, and after a while, I won’t have to.”
Something about his eyes warms the iciness that has possessed the inside of me for my entire life. So cold, yet so warm. So evil, yet appears so good. So much like me that it’s frightening. Maybe if he can open up to me, I can open up to him. Tell him the truth about me. Tell him of my condition. Of what I did in the past. Maybe he wouldn’t judge me.
“Be careful,” I warn. “If my father knew you were saying what you are… He’d kill you.”
Ryler’s eyes blaze with passion. “I know that, but it’s—you’re worth the risk.”
“I shouldn’t be.” My head tips forward so my hair is hiding the shame in my expression. “Not until you know the whole truth about me. That I’m just as dangerous as he is.”
Ryler tangles his fingers through my hair, and tucks a few stray strands behind my ear. “Why do you say that?”
“Because,” I whisper, shutting my eyes.
Don’t speak, or I will cut off your tongue.
I’m so tired of being silent, though.
So tired.
Besides, if he knew I was crazy, then maybe he’d run.
Or maybe he wouldn’t.
He did almost kill someone himself.
“I killed someone once,” I admit.
Whether I can trust Ryler or not, it’s too late. I’ve already divulged too much, and there’s no going back.
I stare at my hands and flex my fingers, unable to look him in the eye. “It was in self-defense… But still, I have blood on my hands.”
It grows so silent you can hear the rain splashing against the windows. Ryler cranks on the windshield wipers, but still doesn’t drive forward.
“What did the man do to you?” he signs when I dare meet his gaze again. Astonishingly, he appears more curious than horrified. I wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction.
“The guy I killed… He was raping a girl,” I say, my voice unsteady. “His name was Defertoan. At least, that was his nickname. He was with that bodyguard Evan has, Taggers, the big guy with the hairy knuckles. They were both raping this girl, and then they came after me. Something snapped inside me and instead of giving up, I fought back and ended up bashing a rock against Defertoan’s head… He died.”
Ryler’s forehead creases. “Of course you wouldn’t give up. Why would you say that?”
I lift my shoulders and shrug. “That’s what I was taught to do. At least, when it comes to my father’s world. Never fight, talk back, or do anything other than obey. Of course, out in real world…” I bite down on my tongue. That’s the second time I’ve almost let Ralingford slip out. Uttering the town’s name would be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, one I’m unsure I want to make yet. “You seem so surprised by the things I say. Just how far have you gone into Donny Elderman’s world?”
He shakes his head, irritated. “Apparently not that far.” He pauses, his puzzlement deepening. “What did they do to do you? I mean, after you killed Defertoan, how were you punished?”
I think about lying, but I’ve already gone headlong into this mess, so far submersed in the truth that before I know it, I’ll probably be drowning. Literally. When my father finds out—because he always finds out—he’ll drop me into the center of the lake with a weight strapped to my ankle and watch me drown.
I sweep my hair to the side and turn my back toward Ryler. With a trembling hand, I lift up the hem of my green velvet shirt. “He took a piece of me.”
Ryler’s breath catches in his throat. Moments later, his fingers brush across my side. His hand is shaking, and his uneasiness makes me warm inside. That might make me sound like a complete lunatic, but his shocked reaction means he’s more human than most of Donny Elderman’s men.
My heart beats five times before I lower my shirt and twist back around.
“What exactly did he do to you?” The anger blazing from Ryler’s eyes startles me.
“He… He took my kidney.” I close my eyes, remembering what it felt like when it happened. I was sedated, but awake, so I was aware of what was happening but couldn’t feel anything.
Story of my life.
“Why would he do that? Just to punish you?”
“That, and my mother needed one. There was something wrong with hers, they were shutting down or something. The town doctor came and did surgery… gave her mine. The thing is, I probably would have agreed to do it if they’d asked.” Maybe. Sometimes I wonder if I love my mother that much, which makes me a horrible person.
“I’m sorry that happened to you… the pain you must have gone through…” Ryler’s jaw tightens as he absentmindedly brushes a finger across the scar on his throat. “God, Emery, how could anyone do this to you?”