When are you gonna get it through your thick head that he’s gone and he’s not coming back?
My chest hurts. Just saying those words to myself makes me feel like something inside me is shriveling up and dying. Deep down, I know I’ll never find someone like Trick. I think I had my suspicions at the time, but I didn’t really delve into them too much because it seemed too soon. But now, now I know that Trick was the one. He still is the one. He always will be.
But he’s gone. So where does that leave me?
Jenna has called me at least twice every day. She’s been trying anything and everything to get me out of the house, but I’m just not interested. The only thing I want is the only thing I can’t have, so what’s the point?
I watch Sooty take Highland Runner from the stable. He strokes his neck and talks to him as he moves toward his flank, toward the stirrup. Trick said Sooty had ridden Runner after he got back, but I haven’t seen it. He swore he’d made all the necessary progress with the horse, progress that would make him a winner. Even then, I believed him, especially after seeing him with Rags. I believed him when no one else did.
Carefully, cautiously, Sooty swings up into the saddle then sits perfectly still and straight, I guess still hesitant, still waiting on Runner to freak out. But he doesn’t. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, anxious for a run, but his ears show no signs of upset.
I see Sooty’s foot tap lightly against the powerful horse’s side and they take off across the field, toward the gate. It makes my heart hurt to watch them. Trick was right. He was right about Runner. And he was right about being born to do this.
But now I’ll never get to see him work miracles with wild horses.
Hot tears burn wet streaks down my cheeks. I blew it. I blew my one chance at true happiness. And now I’m left to pick up the pieces of the future I thought I’d had all mapped out and make some kind of workable existence from them. I have no other choice.
I get dressed and head downstairs, bypassing the kitchen and going straight to my father’s office. It’s empty, but I don’t let that stop me. I’ll hunt him down if I have to. I’m going to throw myself into the business and the horses. I’m going to put love and Trick as far from my mind every single day as I possibly can, for as long as I can. And then, when I can’t do it anymore…well, I’ll worry about that when the time comes.
I search the entire house for Daddy, but he’s nowhere to be found. As I pass the kitchen for the second time, Drogheda stops me.
“What are you doing, Cami?”
“Looking for my father. Have you seen him?”
“He’s out in the garage.”
“Oh.” The only one of two places I haven’t checked yet. “Thanks, Drogheda.”
With every step I take toward the huge garage, I am more determined to build a life around work rather than love. It’s when I round the corner and see what my father’s working on that I realize such a feat will probably never be entirely possible. Trick will haunt me, in some way, for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to escape the longing I feel for him, never be able to escape the way my heart reacts to anything that reminds me of him.
I stop and quietly watch as Daddy drags a polishing rag across the top of the Mustang. It’s a Boss 429 in gunmetal gray with a wide black stripe up the center of the hood. I’d recognize it anywhere, partly because it’s so rare and partly because it’s Trick’s. At least it used to be.
I feel like someone has knocked the breath out of me. My chest feels tight and achy with an incredible loss. Seeing Trick’s car here, without Trick, is like suffering a small death.
“Where did you get that?”
“I bought it,” he answers, not even looking up from the tiny circles he’s making on the hood of the car.
“And here I thought you stole it,” I snap. “You know what I mean, Dad.”
There it is again—Dad.
“You know I always keep my eye out for classics. When a car like this goes on the market, everyone hears.”
“Does he know you bought it?”
That gets his attention. He straightens and looks me dead in the eye. “No.”
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, or what my father’s motives were. Maybe he just wanted the car. Well, I’m sure he did, actually. I know that much about him. But did it have anything to do with Trick and his family, about the guilt Daddy feels over what happened? I’ll probably never know. Obviously, transparency isn’t a top priority in my family. Neither is honesty.
“How much did you pay for it?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Yes, it is. You said I could be a part of this operation. Well, the finances are a part of it.”
“This purchase wasn’t part of the business. It’s a personal purchase.”
“Daddy, please tell me. I need to know that they’ll be okay.”
His expression softens. “They’ll be fine, Cami. For a long, long time.”
I nod, looking down at my fidgeting fingers. “Will he, um, will he have enough to maybe get started with a horse or two? And stall space somewhere?”
He doesn’t answer at first. I hear scuffling, but I don’t dare look up. I don’t want him to see in my eyes how much his answer matters to me.
When I see his feet and feel his hands on my upper arms, I still don’t look up. I feel my chin tremble and my vision blurs. I blink quickly to clear away the tears.
“Sweetheart, he’ll be fine. But he’ll be better off without you and you’ll be better off without him. He’s not right for you. I know you can’t see that now, but you will. Eventually.”
Obviously, there’s no reason to try and hide it from him anymore. He knows.
My eyes swing up to his. “How long have you known?”
“What am I, blind? Come on, Cami, do you really think I’m that stupid?”
“Daddy, why do you think he’s not good enough? Why can’t you see that he makes me happy?”
“Is he making you happy now?”
“That’s not fair. He—”
“I don’t want you getting mixed up with anyone from that family.”
“Is it because of Mom?”
“It’s because he can never give you the life and the security and the fidelity you deserve.”
“You can’t hold his father’s sins against him. Trick’s not like that.”
“And how do you know that?”
“I just know, Daddy.”
“No, you don’t. You can’t.”
I search his eyes. They are hard. Unyielding. Unforgiving.
“No, you’re right. No one can know for sure. I’m sure you never expected Mom to do what she did. But some things are worth taking a chance on, Daddy, and Trick’s one of them.”
“Then where is he?”
And just like that, I’m crushed once again under the devastating weight of reality.
CHAPTER FORTY - Trick
I can hear the knocks in the transmission as I hit the gas pedal in the truck. I knew I’d need something to pull a trailer, but I didn’t want to shell out a bunch of cash for something nice at this point, so I bought a used truck that Rusty’s going to help me fix up. I just hope it’ll hold together until then.
I probably shouldn’t be bringing it out for trips like this. I probably shouldn’t be making trips like this at all. It’s not like I can really afford to unload so much for land right now anyway. But I like to look. It makes me feel a little more in control and a lot more optimistic. The only bad part is that I always picture a house where Cami and I will be living, one that will someday hold a couple kids and a dog. And who knows what else. Being the animal lover she is, Cami would probably be bringing home strays all the time.
The thought makes me smile.
But then I push it out of my head. There’s no point in thinking about a future with her. She’s made her choice. She hasn’t tried to contact me at all. And as much as I want to go see her, I know I can’t. I shouldn’t. I won’t. I have to respect her decision, no matter how much I hate it and how stupid I think she’s being. Maybe what it all boils down to is that she didn’t love me after all. Maybe she was just drunk and pulling one of those I-love-you-man kind of things.
I can still remember her face, though, and it didn’t seem like the drink talking. She seemed sincere. It felt sincere. But maybe that’s just because I wanted it to be sincere. Granted, at the time it freaked me out a little. It seemed too soon and too scary, especially when I was still under the idiotic impression that my attraction to her might be purely physical.
Jackass!
I thump the steering wheel. There’s nothing I can do about any of it now. I think that makes it even harder. I had my chance. And I blew it. Damn it! I blew it!
I see the sign for the road coming up and I slow to make the turn. As I navigate the many potholes in the gravel drive, I picture what it would look like paved with the trees overhead trimmed and arching over it.
The drive ends in a circular patch of grass and weeds. I shift into park and turn off the engine. I can hear nothing but nature on the other side of my open window.
Some months ago, someone had cleared the land for a home site, but the bank foreclosed before they could build. I can see their vision, though. In my head, I see a huge plantation-style house in solid white with big columns along the wraparound porch. I see Cami planting flowers along the walkway, even though I have no idea if she’s into that sort of thing. She just seems like she would be.
Cami’s all girl. And I love that about her. She’s at home in the saddle and she can wear a kick-ass hat and boots with the best of ‘em. But underneath, she’s all soft and feminine, silk and satin.
I think of her stripping in front of me the night we went swimming, of seeing those lacey little things she was wearing. I can still see her body with perfect clarity. And I can still remember exactly what it feels like under my hands, under my lips, under my body. It starts making me hard so I have to resituate in my seat and think about something else.
I get out and walk past the clearing and through the woods beyond it to the first of several fields on the property. I imagine what the stables would look like sitting at the edge, and the round pen and the fencing. I can see Cami and me exercising the one year-olds and stopping to go roll in the hay. Literally.
Shaking my head, I make my way back to the truck. If I’m ever gonna get over her, I have to stop picturing her in my life, as part of my future.
But damn, how do I do that?
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE - Cami
“It’s been almost two months, Cami. You can’t hide out forever. Come out with me. It’ll be fun. Just the two of us. We can go to Lucky’s and you can drown your sorrows in peace. I know for a fact they won’t be there.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“I asked Rusty.”
“What happened to his restriction on not talking about us, about not getting involved?”
“I used some very powerful tools of persuasion. One of which nearly gave me whiplash.”
I have to laugh. “God, Jenna. You’re such a freak.”
“Yeah, pretty much. It’s part of my charm.”
And that’s probably very true.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like going out, especially there.”
“Look, Cami, it’s kind of like having a massive hangover. Sometimes the only thing that’ll take care of it is a little hair of the dog that bit you. Consider a trip to Lucky’s some hair. And it’s even highly likely that there will be quite a few dogs there, too. Just not the four-legged kind.”
“If that’s what you think, then why do you even want to go?”
“Well, I have Rusty, so I could care less what the guys look like, as long as they keep buying me drinks. The main thing is to get you out of the freakin’ house. I’m seriously afraid that you only shower once a week and that you haven’t shaved your pits in, like, a month.”
“Geez, Jenna. I’m not that pathetic. I shower twice a week.”
“Holy wow, I hope you’re kidding!”
I snicker. “Of course I’m kidding. How long have you known me?”
“Since Jesus was a baby.”
“And how many days in my entire life have I not bathed?”
“Two,” she says definitively.
“What?”
“I don’t know. I was guessing. Not that it matters. What matters is that you need some fun. And some drink. And some hair of dogs and crap like that. And as your best friend, it’s up to me to make sure you get it, even I have to force-feed it to you. You can either come quietly or I will have to start plotting. And you know how that usually turns out.”
“Yes. With someone missing their eyebrows.”
“Exactly, so just say you’ll come and save me the embarrassment.”
I sigh. “Fine. I’ll come. What time will you be here?”
“Nine. And wear something hot. Your confidence needs the boost.”
She hangs up and I’m left wondering how she knows that.
********
I slide back onto my barstool, pushing my hair away from my face. I wish I’d worn it up. Dancing makes me hot.
I signal the bartender for another beer just as Jenna settles in beside me.
“You’re not done already?”
“Just for a few minutes. I’m burning up.”
“One beer and then we’re going back out there.”
“What is this? Death by dancing?”