I glance at her, more to make sure my barbs hit their mark than anything else. I see tears in her eyes. Some small part of me feels satisfied that I’ve been able to hurt her just a little bit.
“I swear to you, Cami, I didn’t plan it. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you. You’ve always been my world.”
This is news to me.
“I fell in love. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I tried to ignore it and deny it, but…” She turns in her seat to face me, her expression a pleading one. “Surely you can understand. I saw you with Trick. What if you’d been married to Brent when you met him? Can you just put yourself in that position long enough to see that sometimes the heart has terrible timing?”
“But I’m not married, Mom. You were. And you had me. Whatever happened to ‘just say no’?”
“I did. For almost two years. But it only got harder with time. I tried to stay away from him, to forget him, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I loved him, Cami. You have to understand that only the most powerful emotions in life could’ve made me betray your father.”
“And me.”
She lowers her head. “And you.”
“Is that why you acted so funny when you met Trick?”
She turns to look out the window. “Sweet Lord, he looks so much like his father. I felt like someone knocked the breath out of me when I saw him standing there with you. It was like looking at a picture of us, together, all those years ago.” During her long pause, I see her chin tremble. “I knew what Jack had done in hiring him. I knew why he needed to. He’s always felt like we—or, more to the point, I—was responsible for all the hardships LeeAnne faced after Brad killed himself. And he’s right, of course. It was his way of helping her when no one else was around to do it. He offered her money and horses, help, anything, but she wouldn’t take it. None of it. But she agreed to let Trick come and do what he loved, what his father had taught him to do, for a generous wage. She wanted to give him that experience, that good start in life.”
When she’s finished, I keep expecting her to say something else. But she doesn’t. “And that makes it all better? That makes up for…everything? Everything that happened? Everything you’ve been hiding? All the lives you ruined?”
She turns her tortured expression on me. “Of course not. Nothing will. Nothing can.” Mom leans her head back against the head rest. “No amount of regret or apologizing can undo what’s been done. And, of course, nothing can ever bring Brad back. If I’d known how it would all turn out…”
“Well, what did you think would happen, Mom? Did you ever think for one second that it might end well?”
Her laugh is a short, bitter bark. “I didn’t think that far ahead, Cami. I loved him. I wanted to be with him. I was willing to put life and reality on hold for as long as I could to be with him.”
“Then what happened? Why did it end?”
“LeeAnne found out. Nearly had a nervous breakdown. He promised her he’d stop seeing me, although he didn’t. Not at first. We just couldn’t stay away from each other. One day you’ll know what it’s like to love someone like that, to want to be with them every second of every day, to crave their company and their touch more than anyone else’s. But LeeAnne must’ve known that, too. After a few weeks, she went to Jack and told him. The day Brad told me what she’d done was the last day I saw him alive.”
I can hear the devastation in her voice and it pricks my heart. Just a little. I do know how she feels. I feel like that about Trick. Maybe there’s some weakness for Henley men in our blood. Even as horrified as I am about what she did, I can still picture myself in her shoes, risking everything to be with Trick.
I pull into a parking spot in the strip mall lot, right outside the coffee shop. But I don’t cut the engine. I don’t feel like going in anymore. I feel like running to Trick and asking him to forgive me for not believing him, for being so nasty. For the part my parents played in the events that led to his father’s suicide.
As backward as it sounds, love had nearly destroyed two complete families. I don’t want to let the past ruin any more lives, any more futures. It would be like giving in to a curse if I let Trick go without a fight, without at least telling him I’m sorry and that I’m in love with him.
I back out of my parking space.
“Aren’t we going in? Where are you going?”
“To find Trick. I’m not going to let this, let you and your mistakes ruin my life.”
“I wouldn’t want for you to. That’s why we never told you. I had hoped you’d never find out.”
“Well, obviously the better choice would’ve been to be faithful to your marriage, to your family, but hey!”
From the corner of my eye, I see her flinch and I regret my sarcasm. I know she’s had to live in a hell of sorts all these years, but that isn’t making me feel better at the moment.
“You might never have met Trick then. Would you trade him in order to undo the past?”
That’s a question I can’t answer.
********
Trick’s car isn’t in the driveway when I pull up. I debate whether or not I should just leave, but before I can back out, LeeAnne, Trick’s mother, steps out on the front porch of the tiny brick ranch and motions me inside.
I turn off the engine and pull the keys from the ignition. My heart stutters inside my chest, fear making me feel jittery. My hand is shaking as I reach for the door handle, but I make myself get out and walk to the door. If ever there was a time to be brave, it’s now.
Before I reach her, she turns and walks inside. I take a deep breath and pull open the screen door, following her inside. I can hear her talking in a hushed voice. I hear another voice, the higher voice of a child, respond. She’s talking to Grace. When she returns to the kitchen, she stops right inside the door, leaning against the jamb like she’s afraid to get close to me. Like I might be contagious. Or toxic.
“Trick’s not here,” she offers without preamble. “I don’t know if he’s coming back.”
The bottom drops out of my stomach. “Where did he go?”
“I’m not sure. Probably to sell his car since he had to leave his job.”
Clearly, she blames me for that.
“Him and his daddy worked on that car every weekend for months getting it restored. Trick finished it after Brad died. It’s got to be worth a small fortune, but I made him promise me when he got back he wouldn’t sell it. He said he’d hold off as long as he could. But now…”
More guilt piles on. “Maybe if I could find him and talk to him, he wouldn’t—”
“Oh, honey, he doesn’t want to talk to you. You had your chance, but fate took its course and gave him just enough time to realize what a mistake it would be. He came to his senses before it was too late and for that I’m thankful. Our families have too much bad blood as it is. I don’t want that tainting Trick’s future. He’s a good kid. Smart, handsome, funny, hard-working. He’ll go places. As long as he can keep his head on straight and stick with the right kinds of people.”
She’s not pulling any punches about how she feels about me and my family. It hurts, but I understand where it’s coming from.
“Is this your decision or Trick’s?”
“Trick’s a grown man. He makes his own decisions. He’s smart enough to see the writing on the wall. That’s why he’s not coming back. Not for a long time. He’ll go and make something of himself. He doesn’t need Hines help for that. He’s strong.”
I feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes. “But if I could just—”
“He’s gone. Let him go. Let our family heal. It’s what he wants. Don’t embarrass yourself.”
A ten-inch knife to the heart couldn’t hurt any worse. I feel like someone is cutting out my soul and setting fire to everything that makes me happy, to everything that ever could make me happy.
“Could you tell him…” I trail off. It’s no use. If she even agreed to give him a message, which I doubt she would, there’s no guarantee that she’s wrong, that Trick would want to hear from me. No, if he wants me, he’ll come back for me. He knows where to find me.
Without another word, I turn to the door and open the screen, stepping out onto the porch. Before I let it shut behind me, I look back at LeeAnne Henley. She looks sad and broken and beaten. Just like I feel.
“If it matters at all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that I had nothing to do with and for all the pain my family has caused yours. But I can’t be sorry for loving Trick. I feel bad for having a good life, but he’s still the best thing to ever happen to me.”
Although she looks unaffected, she nods once. Without having to ask, I know that’s all I’ll get from her. I let the door fall shut behind me and walk away.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT - Trick
“Are you sure this is what you wanna do, man?” Rusty asks.
I give his question some serious thought. I’ve asked myself the same thing a dozen times in the last week. But I always come to the same conclusion. “I have to. Besides, it doesn’t mean what it used to.”
“Whatever mistakes your dad made, this was still something good you two had together. He wanted you to have this car. And your mom wanted you to keep it. If you let it go, that’s it.”
I nod. “I know. But it just doesn’t make sense to hold onto something like this when getting rid of it could make things so much easier.”
“Dude, you make it sound like holding on to something you love is a bad thing.”
“Sometimes it is.”
“Are we still talking about the car?”
My eyes snap up to Rusty’s sharp blue ones. He’s so laid back, so devil-may-care, I forget there’s a really smart, perceptive, occasionally wise guy in there.
“I think so.”
“Don’t you think you ought to give it one more shot?”
“Rus, we need the money. This car can fix almost all my problems and help me get started in a business that can give Grace and Mom the stability they’ve needed since before Dad. I have to do it.”
“I wasn’t talking about the car.”
“Oh,” I say, deadpan. “She hates me. And I don’t blame her. I shouldn’t have told her. But it’s done. If she wants me, she knows where to find me. I’m respecting her decision by staying away. I’ve hurt her enough.”
“Does she know you love her?”
“What makes you think I love her?”
Rusty just looks at me. At first, he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t have to.
“You and Cami are the only two who don’t know you’re in love with her. And she’s in love with you. If you let stupid shit your parents did a hundred freakin’ years ago come between you now, you both deserve to die alone. That’s just idiotic.”
I stare at him. He’s right of course. But it’s not my decision to make. It’s Cami’s.
“Damn, Rus. Why don’t you just let it out? Be honest and tell me the truth about how you feel?”
He grins. “I feel like the inmates are running the prison these days, Trick. You haven’t been right since you met that girl. At least you were still okay, though. But now…this is crazy. Just go get her and get it over with.”
“I can’t do that. It’s because I care about her that I’m leaving it up to her. She has to be willing to let it go, too. We’ll never be able to have anything if either of us is living in the past, holding on to all that trash.”
He shrugs. “Your loss, man. I still think you’re stupid. Women love that grand gesture crap. You’ve seen enough movies to know.”
“Because movies are definitely what men should use as their romantic decision-making paradigm.”
“Decision-what-a-what?”
“Drop the act. You forget I know you. I know you’re more than just a dumb grease monkey.”
Rusty smiles.
“You’re a crazy, delusional dumb grease monkey,” I add.
“Awww, that’s just wrong.”
He feints left and punches me in the right shoulder. “Wanna go a couple rounds? You know, like we used to before you went and got yourself whipped?”
“I’m not whipped.”
“Well, whatever you call it. What do you say? Got a brand new bottle of Patron, all wrapped up and waiting for just such an occasion.”
“Nah. I don’t really feel much like drinking.”
Rusty straightens. “Dude! Since when? You’ve been partying less and less since you met her. Does she have your balls, too?”
Rusty’s right. The urge to drown my troubles has been present much less often since I met Cami. Just another good thing about her that I’ll be left to mourn.
“Shut up! You remember what happened last time we threw down in here, right?”
The last time we rough-housed in his garage, we’d knocked over two tool chests, busted the hose to his air compressor, dented a metal cabinet, spilled an oil pan then sat in the pit and drained a fifth of Patron.
“I’ll take my chances, because this time, I’m gonna kick your ass. No more Mr. Niceguy.”
“Bring it, monkey boy.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE - Cami
Like I have every morning for three weeks, I get up first thing and go to the window to look down at the stable. And just like every morning for the past three weeks, today there is no sign of Trick. There never is.