“Georgia—”
But I cut him off because I knew he needed to hear everything. “No, we can’t be together and I knew it the moment I met you but I thought…when I’m with you the pieces inside me,” I pounded my chest, welcoming the pain as my nails slashed into my skin. “These fucking pieces that rub against each other and cause all this friction…they slow down and they’re still…and things are good for a while.”
“Then let them be good,” he said softly, his voice full of emotion.
God, he was making this so hard but I knew it was time for me to put it all out there. “Ben, you’re like a circle that’s good and whole and perfect. I’m not. I’m sick. I have a mental health condition and my circle is cracked and there are pieces of me that are fragmented, pieces that can’t be fixed. I need those meds in order to function or I become crazy Georgia. I become the girl who gives herself away for no reason. The girl who does drugs and doesn’t care about shit. The girl who stays up for days on end and then crashes hard for weeks. You don’t want that. No one in their right mind wants that.”
He stepped toward me and I flinched at the anger in his eyes. “How the hell do you know what I want? You haven’t asked. You’ve already decided.”
“Do you want to be with someone who tried to kill herself? And I’m not talking about some lame ass attempt. I’m talking about the real deal and the only reason I’m standing here today is because of fate. Because my stupid roommate forgot her stupid cell phone.”
He opened his mouth but nothing came out and I think he finally realized how truly screwed up I was.
“Do you want to be with someone who spent six months in mental institution? Huh? A girl who’s been arrested? That’s a real nice girl to bring home to your Nana, don’t you think?”
He just shook his head.
“You want a family one day, don’t you?”
“What? Of course I do.”
“Well I don’t. I refuse to have kids.” My voice broke and the tears started for real. They slid down my face, the hot salty tracks stinging as I stared up into the face I would love forever. “Not when they could turn out like me or my mom. No fucking way.”
I tried to stop the tears but they flowed harder and my body began to shake from exhaustion.
When Ben took that final step and wrapped me into his arms I couldn’t push him away. Not in that moment. I needed him in order to get to the next one.
Eventually my tears subsided and we got there, to the next moment but it was one I dreaded. I pushed against him until he released me and I took a step back, a little unsteady, but at least I didn’t end up on my ass.
“I can’t see you anymore, Ben. This was never going to work. I’m sorry.”
My eyes fell to the floor because I wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eye. His boots were scuffed and I noticed mud or splashed beer on the cuff of his jeans.
“So that’s it,” he said.
I nodded.
“Do you honestly think I’m just going to walk away?”
“You have to Ben.”
“Is that what you really want?” I had to look away because I couldn’t stand to see the hurt in his eyes.
“I want you to be happy and there’s no happy for you and me.”
“That’s fucking lame.”
“It’s all I got.” My voice broke and I pressed my fingers to my trembling lips.
He turned without a word and headed toward the door but paused, just before he opened it.
“You’re wrong you know. I love you. All of you. Even the pieces that you won’t show me because all of that stuff makes up your circle and I don’t give a flying fuck if it’s broken. I love every cracked and fragmented piece of you. And when you’re ready, I hope you’ll trust me enough to let me be the one to help you put those broken pieces back together.”
Oh, God. Why couldn’t he be like a normal guy and just leave? Even now he was too good for me.
“So you go and see Seamus. You paint as many as those weird screaming faces that you need to. You do whatever the hell it is that you need to do to get to a place where you realize that this is the real deal and that I’m not going anywhere. And when you’re ready to choose me, when you’re ready to choose us, I’ll be waiting.”