“It’s fine, Tru.” She takes my hand patting it with her other. “Everything is in hand here with your column. The important thing at the moment is Jake, and making sure he’s okay. We can worry about the bio and everything else later.”
I feel the weight lift off my shoulders.
“Have I told you lately how wonderful you are?” I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
“It’s been a while.” She winks at me.
“Well you are, and I love you lots and lots.” I wrap my arms around her, hugging her.
Then the tears start to run from my eyes.
How am I going to cope without her and Simone when I move to LA? And my Mum and Dad for that matter?
I can’t even tell Vicky about the move at the moment. I will soon, but dropping this on her is enough for now, I think.
“Oh, my darling girl, don’t cry,” she says hearing my sniffling, she hugs me tighter.
Thank god I wore waterproof mascara today. Subconsciously, I must have known I would be crying a lot today.
Releasing myself, I get a tissue from my bag, and dry my eyes.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
“Don’t be sorry. You’ve had an emotional time of late, a lot of changes in your life. I’d be worried if you weren’t crying. Now, do you want something to drink?” she asks, getting to her feet, moving toward her desk.
“Coffee?”
“I was thinking something a little stronger.” Her tone is conspiratorial. Then she pulls a bottle of Jim Beam from out of her desk drawer.
“Perfect,” I say, a little smile forming on my lips, as Vicky grabs two cups off her shelf.
I leave work a little over an hour later, having spent that time in Vicky’s office talking and drinking whiskey.
I feel a little lighter after the chat, and a lot lighter after the whiskey, and now I’m more than ready to see Jake.
Eight hours to go.
As I push out of the glass doors of my building, the cool air hits my skin, and the lightness, kindly provided by Jim Beam, unfortunately, starts to lift.
Taking a right, I turn to head toward the Tube station for home.
“Tru?”
Pausing, I turn around to see Will standing about twenty yards away from me.
He’s dressed in blue jeans, a plain white T-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He looks like he hasn’t shaved in a while, and I can see the bruising left from his fight with Jake around his eye. I hate that they fought because of me.
He looks different, but still handsome. Just Will. The Will I loved – love.
I feel a sudden pang for him. The intensity of it surprises me.
“Will? What-what are you doing here?” I try to recover myself from the shock of just seeing him here in the street.
“Sorry I just–” he takes a step forward.
“Have you followed me?” I ask.
That sounded really conceited. I wish I could take it back.
“No,” he answers softly. “I’d just popped into work to drop something off, and I saw you go into your building. I just … I wanted to talk to you, so I hung around and waited.” He pushes his hands deep in his pockets. “I called you … left messages but you never called me back.”
“I’m sorry.” I hug my bag to my side. “I just didn’t think it was a good idea to talk then, you were angry … rightly so and I didn’t want to make things worse for you.”
“How are you?” He takes another step closer.
“I’m okay.” I tuck my hair nervously behind my ear. “How are you?”
“Oh, you know.” He shrugs, and runs his hand through his lovely blonde hair. It looks all mussed up. Very un-Will. It suits him.
His eyes meet with mine.
He looks nervous and sad. My heart is aching seeing him here standing before me looking this way.
This is what I’ve done to him.
“Do you have time to have a coffee?” he asks.
“Um…”
“I mean if you too busy, I understand.”
“I’m not too busy. Of course I’ll have coffee with you.” I smile.
He smiles too. It’s nice to see. I’ve missed his lovely smile.
I’ve missed him. I just didn’t realise how much until now.
“Shall we go to Callo’s?” he asks.
“Yes, lets.”
We walk side by side in relative silence for the five minute walk to Callo’s.
When we arrive, Will holds the door open for me. I walk into the café, the aroma of coffee hitting me straight away, and memories, so many memories.
This was our place. We always had lunch together here.
It’s sad being here with him now, like this, apart. I guess I never thought there would be a day that I would ever be without Will.
As it’s early Callo’s is empty, only Will and I here, so we get a small table by the window and order two lattes.
“Are you not in work today?” I ask, at a vain attempt in small talk, while we wait for our drinks.
“No,” he shakes his head. “I took a little time off after I got back from Paris – you know.”
I bite my lip. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t deserve the right to cry.
I knot my fingers on the table in front of me. Taking a deep breath, I say, “I’m so sorry, Will. For everything. For the pain I’ve caused you”
He meets my eyes, and all I can see in them is hurt. And I can’t help the tear that escapes from my eye.
I quickly catch it falling.
“Tru, that day … when I pushed you away in the hall and you fell … I didn’t hurt you did I?” He sounds tormented.
After everything I have done to him, and he still cares whether he hurt me or not.
It makes my heart hurt more.
Another tear drops. “No, of course you didn’t,” I shake my head.
“I saw the papers,” he utters quietly. “You … and Jake.”
I close my eyes briefly.
“Are you happy?” he asks.
“Yes … and no. I’m not happy for what I’ve done to you. I’m so sorry, Will.” Tears are running freely from my eyes now, and I don’t care who sees.
I can see Will’s eyes shining, but he’s holding himself together.
“I hate myself for what I did to you.” I wipe the dripping tears from my chin with the back of my hand.
“I don’t hate you, Tru. I wanted to, but I can’t … I love you too much.”
I bite my trembling lip.
I never deserved this wonderful man here, before me, in the first place. And I most certainly don’t deserve him now.
He takes a deep breath. “If I said to you that none of it mattered, what happened with Jake – that I still want you irrespective of it all.” He pauses, pressing his lips together, before finishing. “Would you … come back to me?”
I’m so torn in this moment. Being away from Will, it was easy to forget how much I loved him … still love him.
A part of me wants to say yes, a big part, to take his and my pain away.
But I can’t.
Jake is my soul mate. My best friend. And I would always go back to him, every time.
I slowly shake my head. “I love you, Will. Very much. But … I love Jake more. He’s my best friend. I’m so sorry.”
A tear runs from his eye, which he quickly brushes away. “I just don’t know how to live my life without you in it, Tru. Nothing’s making sense right now.”
I want to touch him. Hold him. I want to fix this, but I don’t know how to.
“You deserve better than me.” I blink out more tears. “You always did. You were always too good for me, Will. You deserve someone who would never, ever hurt you.”
“But I want you,” he says. A tear runs down his cheek. He doesn’t wipe this one away.
My lip wobbles again, tears streaming. “And a part of me wants you too, but I belong to Jake. I always have done. I love you very much and I always will, but … I love Jake more.” I rub my runny nose on my sleeve.
At that, the waiter comes over with our lattes. I grab some napkins, quickly drying my tears.
The waiter has the good grace to pretend he doesn’t see me crying.
Once he departs, Will reaches across the table and takes hold of my hand, squeezing it.
I start crying again.
And we sit here like this for a long while, not talking, leaving our lattes to go cold, holding hands, watching the world pass by through the window, just having this time together.
I know this is the last time I’ll see Will, and for now, I just want to hold on to him for as long as I can.
After what seems like forever in only a short time, I reluctantly realise we can’t sit here all day together. Will does too.
He pays for our drinks refusing my offer to pay.
We stand just outside of Callo’s, lingering. I don’t know how to say goodbye to him.
I’m so confused. I don’t want to let him go. But I know I have to.
I thought that telling Will about Jake and I was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but it’s not. This here, letting him go, is the hardest thing I will ever do.
“Are you taking the Tube home?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to walk you to the station?”
I shake my head, no. “Thank you, but I think I should go alone.”
We need to say goodbye outside of here. Our place.
Will looks up at the sign for Callo’s. “I don’t think I’ll be able to come here again,” he sighs.
“Me either.”
He looks back and meets my eyes. And I can’t help but cry again.
I bite my lip trying to force the tears away, but looking at him here, knowing this is the last time I’m ever going to see him, it’s breaking my heart.
“I’m so sorry.” My lip quivers.
Without another thought, Will wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in a tight hug.
He smells of everything Will. Of warmth, comfort, and safety. Of the last two years of my life. I breathe him in, trying to hold onto it – him for as long as I can.
I know I’m the one doing this, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
I never knew it was possible to love two men at the same time.
But I do. I love Will and Jake.
I just love Jake more, and that means I have to let Will go.
“I’ll always love you, Tru,” he whispers into my hair. I hear his voice break. “Jake will never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more than he can ever give.”
Then he releases me, and strides away, shoving his hands deep into his pockets as he walks, and I stand here outside Callo’s watching him go.
Watching the biggest part of the last two years of my life, walking away from me, at my behest.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I’m really worried about Jake. He’s been so distant, so closed off these last few days in the lead up to his dad’s funeral.
It’s affected him so much more than I ever anticipated it would.
I guess, I just thought because he hadn’t seen his dad in so long, and what happened the last time he did see him, well … not that I thought he would be happy he’s dead, I suppose I just didn’t realise it would hit him so hard.