Judgment prepares you to enter the stream of chance and use your will. You use judgment to modulate will. Thinking is the performance of the moment. You sit in judgment, a convection center for the currents where past prepares a future. It is a balancing act.
- Kerro Panille, The Avata Argue
HALI EKEL, moving with her usual sure-footed grace, leaped up one-handed to grasp the lift bar for the ceiling hatch leading to the software storage section of Records. Her pribox, suspended on its shoulder harness, slapped her hip as she jumped. She had discovered less than an hour earlier that Kerro Panille was headed groundside. He had done this without farewell, not even a not.... or a poem.
Not that I have any special hold on him!
She opened the hatch and levered herself up into the service tube.
He refuses the breeding match with me, h....
She pushed such thoughts aside. But his leaving this way hurt. They had come to maturity in the same creche section, were the same age (within days) and had remained friends. She had heard his stories of Earthside and he had heard her stories. Hali had no illusions about her own emotions. She thought Kerro the most attractive male shipside.
Why was he always so distant?
She crouched to scuttle up the curving oval of the tube. It was only one hundred and sixty centimeters in its longest diameter, eight centimeters short of her height, but she was used to moving around Ship through such little-known shortcuts.
It's not as though I were ugly.
Her shipcloth singlesuit, she knew, revealed an attractive feminine figure. Her skin was dark, eyes brown and she wore her black hair cropped short as all technicians did. All of the med-techs were acutely aware of the sanitary advantages of hair shorn to a bristly cap. Not that she had ever wanted Kerro to clip his hair or beard. She found his style exciting. But he did not have to deal with medical problems.
She found the Records access hatch locked but she had memorized the code and it took only seconds to work the latch. Ship buzzed at her from the interior sensor-eye as she stooped and slipped through into the storage area.
"Hali, what are you doing?"
She stopped in shock. Vocal! Everyone knew the flat, metallic work-voice of Ship, the means of necessary contacts, but this was something differen.... a resonant voice full of emotional overtones. And Ship had used her name!
".... I want a software reader station. There's always one open in here."
"You are very unconventional, Hali."
"Have I done something wrong?" Her strong fingers worked to seal the hatchdogs as she spoke, and she hesitated there, fearful that she had offended Ship.
But Ship was talking to her! Really talking!
"Some would think your actions wrong."
"I was just in a hurry. No one will tell me why Kerro has gone groundside."
"Why did you not think to ask Me?"
"I wa...." She glanced along the narrow passage between the rotary bins of software discs toward the reader station. Its keyboard and screen were blank, unoccupied as she had expected.
Ship would not leave it there. "I am never farther from you than the nearest monitor or com-console."
She peered up at the orange bulb of the sensor-eye. It was a baleful orb, a cyclopean pupil with its surrounding metal grid through which Ship's voice issued. Was Ship angry with her? The measured control of that awful voice filled her with awe.
"I am not angry with you. I merely suggest that you show more confidence in Me. I am concerned about you."
"I'.... confident of You, Ship. I WorShip. You know that. I just never thought You would talk to me like this."
"As I talk to Kerro Panille? You are jealous, Hali."
She was too honest to deny it, but words would not come. She shook her head.
"Hali, go to the keyboard at the end of this aisle. Depress the red cursor in the upper right-hand corner and I will open a door behind that station."
".... door?"
"You will find a hidden room there with another instruction station which Kerro Panille often used. You may use it now."
Wondering and fearful, she obeyed.
The entire keyboard and its desk swung wide to reveal a low opening. She crouched to enter and found herself in a small room with a vaguely yellow couch. Muted green light came from concealed illuminators at the corners of the room. There was a large console with screen and keyboard, a familiar holofocus circle on the floor. She knew the settin...small teaching lab, but one she had not even known existed. It was smaller than any other of her experience.
She heard the hatch seal itself behind her, but she felt unaccountably secure in this privacy. Kerro had used this place. Ship was concerned about her. There was the unmistakable musk of Kerro's flesh on her sensitive nostrils. She rubbed at the gold ring in her nose. There was a stationary swivel seat at the keyboard. She slipped into it.
"No, Hali. Stretch out on the couch. You will not need the keyboard here."
Ship's voice came from all around her. She looked for the source of that awesomely-measured voice. There were no sensors visible or monitor-eyes.
"Do not fear, Hali. This room is within my protective shield. Go to the couch."
Hesitantly; she obeyed. The couch was covered with a slick material which felt cold against her neck and hands.
"Why did you come here looking for an unoccupied terminal, Hali?"
"I wanted to do somethin.... definite."
"You love Kerro?"
"You know I do."
"It is your right to try to make him love you, Hali, but not by subterfuge."
".... I want him."
"So you sought My help?"
"I'll take any help I can get."
"You have free access to information, Hali, but what you do with it is your own decision. You are making a life, do you understand that?"
"Making a life?" She could feel her own perspiration against the slick material of the couch.
"Your own life. It is your ow.... a gift. You should treat it well. Be happy with it."
"Would You match Kerro and me again?"
"Only if that really suits you both."
"I'd be happier with Kerro. And Kerro's gone groundside!" It came out almost a wail and she felt tears at the edges of her eyes.
"Can you not go groundside?"
"You know I have Shipside medical responsibilities!"
"Yes, the Shipmen must be kept healthy that Colony may eat. But I ask about your own decision."
"They need me here!"
"Hali, I ask that you trust Me."
She blinked at the empty screen across from the couch. What a strange statement! How could one not trust Ship? All people were creatures of Ship. The invocations of WorShip marked their lives forever. But she felt that some personal response was being demanded and she gave it.