“He lives in San Diego. I’m not even sure if I’ll see him over the break,” she says, her focus back to the box of black strappy heels she’s repackaging. I hold her gaze, willing her to look at me from the periphery, but she doesn’t budge. She’s avoiding me, because she knows I can tell when she’s lying.
“Right,” I say, taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly while I let my teeth saw at the inside of my bottom lip. Six months ago, I wouldn’t even hesitate. I’d call her out right in front of me—ask her what she’s hiding. But now…I’m a little tired of sleuthing and finding out the ugly things really going on in people’s heads. I decide to let Lexi off the hook, and we step out from the store into the main area of the mall. The closer we get to the next store, the more I dismiss the feeling from moments before.
And then we run into more familiar faces. Courtney and Steph, the other half of our regular crew—the four of us inseparable only months before. Now, they look at me with what I can only describe as contempt, shifting their attention to Lexi, dismissing me with short waves of hello.
I’m standing on the outside of their very small circle, smiling and pretending they’re engaging me as they discuss some party happening in the Valley, plans for New Year’s, the state of Lexi’s parents’ ever-crumbling marriage, and then one of them makes an error.
“You should totally bring Curtis to the party, since he’s staying with you,” Steph says, only realizing she messed up when the silence practically chokes the other two.
I’ve heard when people leave the earth’s atmosphere, there’s a thin layer of space and time where they’re both inside and out—that small moment where they have a chance to stay or to abandon their world behind them. I’m in that moment now. I could continue to pretend—go home and never text or call Lexi again, letting my curiosity over why everyone is awkward and dismissive toward me eat away from the inside until there was nothing recognizable left. Or, I could find that last scrap of me that’s truly me and open my mouth. Either way, I’d be burning bridges, but by standing up for myself, at least I’d be going out with one hell of a fire.
“Yes, Lexi,” I say, twisting my head to face my now former-friend with a snap, catching her by surprise. She shouldn’t be surprised; she has no idea how weak I’ve become. This version of me—this is the only one she knows. “Bring Curtis. You were just saying how I should meet him soon.”
There’s no mistaking the expression on my face, the blaze in my eyes, and the word bitch that I’m holding back behind my newly-glossed and red lips. Lexi knows it. She’s caught, but she’s not going to cause a scene. She shakes her head with a polite smile and agrees with me.
Courtney makes an excuse to leave, and Steph hugs Lexi from the side, practically pushing her in front of me to shield herself, afraid I might want some form of affectionate farewell too. Relax, Steph. I don’t want to hug you either. If I did, I’d likely choke you.
Lexi walks a few paces in front of me, watching our friends fade into the crowd and eventually another boutique. She stops, knowing her time is up. When she turns to face me, I don’t give her a chance to feed me a line.
“Tell me what that was all about. Tell me the truth—because you know I will see your lies. Tell me here, in public, right now, because I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable. I don’t want you to get to put off whatever the hell you can’t seem to pull out of your throat any longer,” I say, my voice syrupy-sweet as I keep the smile on my mouth for the benefit of the crowded mall around us.
Lexi’s posture slumps, her eyes terrified.
“Spill it,” I say, my fingers tingling like they want to hit something. I’ve never hit anything, well…not hard anyhow. But right now…I want to punch someone.
“We all know,” she says finally, and the way she relaxes, the breath leaving her chest in a whoosh, it feels like those words should be enough. Somehow, I’m supposed to know what it is they know, and the weight of that makes me even more agitated. Because I don’t know shit. And if it’s something I don’t know, then it’s either about my sister or…
“We saw it…” she says, her eyebrows raised as she leans forward to me to whisper. “Your…porn.”
You have to be fucking kidding me!
“My…I’m sorry. Did you say…porn?” I’m actually laughing with nerves and fury as I speak.
Lexi tugs on my arm, moving us to a small cluster of seats in the middle of the mall, pushing me down into a chair nestled right next to the one she takes. I’m kind of pissed that she’s manhandling me, but I’m also freaking numb as hell, so I go along with it.