I can’t stop smiling as we sit down to eat. Dad leads us in the Lord’s Prayer, then we put our napkins in our laps and dig in.
“This looks really yummy,” Veena says, forking up some casserole.
“Thanks,” I reply.
“I haven’t had a home-cooked meal since I left New York.”
“Is your family there?” Ryan asks, salting his casserole.
“My parents, my sister and her husband, and my grandmother. And two nieces.”
“You’re a nurse?” Ryan asks her.
“Yep,” she says, chewing.
“Did you always know that’s what you wanted to do?”
She smiles, thinking. “I wanted to be an astronaut more, but I stink at math.”
“It’s my worst subject too,” Ryan replies. “But I still want to go to med school.”
“What programs are you thinking about?”
“Vanderbilt is one of the best, but I’m not enjoying my undergrad classes there.”
She nurses her iced tea. “I didn’t like mine either. I hated taking all those politics and English courses. And don’t even get me started on art. But it’s all a means to an end.”
“Yeah, I get that,” Ryan says. This is the most I’ve heard my brother speak in forever.
“If you want, we can get together for coffee this week sometime and talk more. Or you can come by the hospital and talk to some of the other doctors about what their undergrad experiences were like.”
“That sounds good,” Ryan replies, tapping his fork on his placemat.
Dad beams so hard he seems ten years younger.
It almost feels like a family, but I still wish Mom were here.
It’s getting serious, yet it’s staying the same. Every night this week I’ve made out with Brian. Ryan and Dad notice nothing, obviously, so it’s no problem for me to sneak out of my room and dart across the street to Brian’s parked truck tucked behind the Dumpsters after eleven.
On Monday night, we just kissed.
On Tuesday night, he went up my shirt.
On Wednesday at school, I stopped by Coach Lynn’s office during study hall. Brian’s squatting there until he gets his own office next year.
“What are you doing here?” Brian asked, slipping a pen behind his ear. He leaned back in his seat and wrapped his hands behind his head, smirking at me.
I waved a hall pass. “I nicked this from Mrs. Perkins. I wanted to see what you’re up to.”
He jumped to his feet, closed the door behind me, and locked it. I walked around the office, looking at Coach Lynn’s things: silk roses in a vase, pictures of her family, the cat calendar on the wall.
“Love what you’ve done with the place.”
“Smart ass,” he replied, following me as I weaved around the desk and chairs. I wiped a finger across the desk, pretending to check for dust.
I knew it was wrong. All of it. Kissing him, and wanting to kiss him again. But when his arms are around me, everything feels good. I feel safe and cared for. And the kissing is very, very okay.
“So why did you stop by again?” He scratched the back of his neck and squinted.
I smiled mischievously. “I was in study hall and couldn’t stop thinking about last night.”
He closed the blinds. He breathed heavily. He ran a hand through his hair. He loosened his Best Buy Geek Squad tie. Then his lips were on mine and he lifted me onto the desk. He pulled my hips to his and kissed me until I was so dizzy I could barely breathe. Brian began to grind against me and I was so drunk on him, I couldn’t think at all.
Then someone knocked on the door and Brian rushed to answer it, but stopped for a second to control his breathing. He motioned at me to fix my shirt. I leaped into the chair across from his desk. He opened the door to find Sam, who had dropped by to say he wouldn’t be at practice that day because his mom was sick and his dad was out of town.
As soon as Sam left, Brian exhaled, mussed his black hair, and grinned. He moved toward me. I was shaking like crazy. He swept me up in his arms and gave me a quick kiss.
“That was insanely hot,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said with a tiny voice, trembling. Honestly? It was fun, but it filled me with shame. I hope God was looking the other way.
He went on, “But it can’t happen again at school.”
“I agree.” Goose bumps popped up on my arms. I shuddered.
“We’re okay.” He pressed his forehead to mine and squeezed my hips. “You’d better get back to study hall before I give you detention.”
Brian tried to joke it off, but I had seen the change on his face. What happened freaked him out too.
My face must’ve been blazing red, but Sam didn’t say anything when I saw him later in chemistry.
On Wednesday night, Brian went up my shirt again and unsnapped my bra, and ran his hands over my bare breasts. Him running his calloused fingers over my skin took some getting used to because I couldn’t stop trembling. But when I calmed down, we fell into a rhythm. A rhythm that kept getting faster and faster until our shirts and my bra ended up on the floorboard of the truck. I touched his abs, which I’m fairly certain are made of marble. His teeth sank into my shoulder, making me gasp. I discovered he has a tattoo on his shoulder blade. A symbol, but when I asked what it meant, he refused to tell me, saying it’s private.
“Where’s your tattoo?” he teased, trying to peek under my waistband. I smacked his chest and we laughed. But I couldn’t stop thinking about that tattoo and what it means and why he couldn’t share with me.
On Thursday night, he kissed my breasts and felt me through my jeans. I wasn’t comfortable enough to touch him yet. But he took my fingers and put my hand there anyway.