Three days afterwards, late in the evening, Lida came home sad, tired,
and heavy-hearted. On reaching her room, she stood still, with hands
clasped, and stared at the floor. She suddenly realized, to her horror,
that in her relations with Sarudine she had gone too far. For the first
time since that strange moment of irreparable weakness she perceived
what a humiliating hold this empty-headed officer had over her,
inferior as he was to herself in every way. She must now come if he
called; she could no longer trifle with him as she liked, submitting to
his kisses or laughingly resisting them. Now, like a slave, she must
endure and obey.
How this had come about she could not comprehend. As always, she had
ruled him, had borne with his amorous attentions; all had been as
agreeable, amusing, and exciting, as heretofore. Then came a moment
when her whole frame seemed on fire and her brain clouded as by a mist,
annihilating all except the one mad desire to plunge into the abyss. It
was as if the earth gave way beneath her feet; she lost control of her
limbs, conscious only of two magnetic eyes that gazed boldly into hers.
Her whole being was thrilled and shaken with passion; she became the
sacrifice of overwhelming lust; and yet she longed once more that such
passionate experiences might be repeated. At the very thought of it all
Lida trembled; she raised her shoulders and hid her face in her hands.
With faltering steps she crossed the room and opened the window. For a
long while she gazed at the moon that hung just above the garden, and
in distant foliage a nightingale sang. Grief oppressed her. She felt
strangely agitated by a sense of remorse and of wounded pride to think
that she had ruined her life for a silly, shallow man, and that her
false step had been foolish, base, and, indeed, accidental. The future
seemed threatening; but she sought to dissipate her fears by obstinate
bravado.
"Well, I did it, and there's an end of it!" she said to herself,
frowning, and striving to find some sort of grim satisfaction from this
hackneyed phrase. "What nonsense it all is! I wanted to do it and I did
it; and I felt so happy--oh, so happy! It would have been silly not to
enjoy myself when the moment came. I must not think of it; it can't be
helped, now."
She languidly withdrew from the window and began to undress, letting
her clothes slip from her on to the floor. "After all, one only lives
once," she thought, shivering at the touch of the cool night air on her
bare shoulders and arms. "What should I have gained by waiting till I
was lawfully married? And of what good would that have been to me? It's
all the same thing! What is there to worry about?"