LETTER XXX
MY DEAR FATHER AND MOTHER,
I write again, though, may be, I shall bring it to you in my pocket: for
I shall have no writing, nor writing-time, I hope, when I come to you.
This is Wednesday morning, and I shall, I hope, set out to you to-morrow
morning; but I have had more trials and more vexations; but of another
complexion too a little, though all from the same quarter. Yesterday my master, after he came from hunting, sent for me. I went
with great terror: for I expected he would storm, and be in a fine
passion with me for my freedom of speech before: so I was resolved to
begin first, with submission, to disarm his anger; and I fell upon my
knees as soon as I saw him; and said, Good sir, let me beseech you, as
you hope to be forgiven yourself, and for the sake of my dear good lady
your mother, who recommended me to you with her last words, to forgive
me all my faults; and only grant me this favour, the last I shall ask
you, that you will let me depart your house with peace and quietness of
mind, that I may take such a leave of my dear fellow-servants as befits
me; and that my heart be not quite broken. He took me up, in a kinder manner than ever I had known; and he said,
Shut the door, Pamela, and come to me in my closet: I want to have a
little serious talk with you. How can I, sir, said I, how can I! and
wrung my hands. O pray, sir, let me go out of your presence, I beseech
you! By the God that made me, said he, I'll do you no harm. Shut the
parlour door, and come to me in my library. He then went into his closet, which is his library, and full of rich
pictures besides; a noble apartment, though called a closet, and next
the private garden, into which it has a door that opens. I shut the
parlour door, as he bid me; but stood at it irresolute. Place some
confidence in me, said he: Surely you may, when I have spoken thus
solemnly. So I crept towards him with trembling feet, and my heart
throbbing through my handkerchief. Come in, said he, when I bid you. I
did so. Pray, sir, said I, pity and spare me. I will, said he, as I hope
to be saved. He sat down upon a rich settee; and took hold of my hand,
and said, Don't doubt me, Pamela. From this moment I will no more
consider you as my servant: and I desire you'll not use me with
ingratitude for the kindness I am going to express towards you. This a
little emboldened me; and he said, holding both my hands between his,
You have too much wit and good sense not to discover, that I, in spite
of my heart, and all the pride of it, cannot but love you. Yes, look
up to me, my sweet-faced girl! I must say I love you; and have put on a
behaviour to you, that was much against my heart, in hopes to frighten
you from your reservedness. You see I own it ingenuously; and don't play
your sex upon me for it. I was unable to speak; and he, seeing me too much oppressed with
confusion to go on in that strain, said, Well, Pamela, let me know in
what situation of life is your father: I know he is a poor man; but is
he as low and as honest as he was when my mother took you? Then I could speak a little; and with a down look, (and I felt my face
glow like fire,) I said, Yes, sir, as poor and as honest too; and that
is my pride. Says he, I will do something for him, if it be not your
fault, and make all your family happy. All, sir, said I, he is happier
already than ever he can be, if his daughter's innocence is to be the
price of your favour: and I beg you will not speak to me on the only
side that can wound me. I have no design of that sort, said he. O sir,
said I, tell me not so, tell me not so!--'Tis easy, said he, for me to
be the making of your father, without injuring you. Well, sir, said I,
if this can be done, let me know how; and all I can do with innocence
shall be the study and practice of my life.--But, O! what can such a
poor creature as I do, and do my duty?--Said he, I would have you stay a
week or fortnight only, and behave yourself with kindness to me; I
stoop to beg it of you, and you shall see all shall turn out beyond your
expectation. I see, said he, you are going to answer otherwise than I
would have you; and I begin to be vexed I should thus meanly sue; and so
I will say, that your behaviour before honest Longman, when I used you
as I did, and you could so well have vindicated yourself, has quite
charmed me. And though I am not pleased with all you said yesterday,
while I was in the closet, yet you have moved me more to admire you than
before; and I am awakened to see more worthiness in you, than ever I
saw in any lady in the world. All the servants, from the highest to the
lowest, doat upon you, instead of envying you; and look upon you in so
superior a light, as speaks what you ought to be. I have seen more
of your letters than you imagine, (This surprised me!) and am quite
overcome with your charming manner of writing, so free, so easy, and
many of your sentiments so much above your years, and your sex; and all
put together, makes me, as I tell you, love you to extravagance. Now,
Pamela, when I have stooped to acknowledge all this, oblige me only
to stay another week or fortnight, to give me time to bring about some
certain affairs, and you shall see how much you may find your account in
it. I trembled to find my poor heart giving way.--O good sir, said I, spare
a poor girl that cannot look up to you, and speak. My heart is full;
and why should you wish to undo me?--Only oblige me, said he, to stay a
fortnight longer, and John shall carry word to your father, that I will
see him in the time, either here, or at the Swan in his village. O sir,
said I, my heart will burst; but, on my bended knees, I beg you to
let me go to-morrow, as I designed: and don't offer to tempt a poor
creature, whose whole will would be to do yours, if my virtue would
permit!--I shall permit it, said he; for I intend no injury to you, God
is my witness! Impossible! said I; I cannot, sir, believe you, after
what has passed: How many ways are there to undo poor creatures! Good
God, protect me this one time, and send me but to my dear father's
cot in safety!--Strange, d----d fate! said he, that when I speak so
solemnly, I can't be believed!--What should I believe, sir? said I, what
can I believe? What have you said, but that I am to stay a fortnight
longer? and what then is to become of me?--My pride of birth and fortune
(d--n them both! said he, since they cannot obtain credit with you, but
must add to your suspicions) will not let me descend all at once; and
I ask you but a fortnight's stay, that, after this declaration, I may
pacify those proud demands upon me. O how my heart throbbed! and I began (for I did not know what I did) to
say the Lord's prayer. None of your beads to me Pamela! said he; thou
art a perfect nun, I think. But I said aloud, with my eyes lifted up to heaven, Lead me not into
temptation: but deliver me from evil, O my good God! He hugged me in his
arms, and said, Well, my dear girl, then you stay this fortnight, and
you shall see what I will do for you--I'll leave you a moment, and walk
into the next room, to give you time to think of it, and to shew you I
have no design upon you. Well, this, I thought, did not look amiss. He went out, and I was tortured with twenty different doubts in a
minute; sometimes I thought that to stay a week or fortnight longer in
this house to obey him, while Mrs. Jervis was with me, could do no great
harm: But then, thought I, how do I know what I may be able to do? I
have withstood his anger; but may I not relent at his kindness?--How
shall I stand that.--Well, I hope, thought I, by the same protecting
grace in which I will always confide!--But, then, what has he promised?
Why, he will make my poor father and mother's life comfortable. O! said
I to myself, that is a rich thought; but let me not dwell upon it, for
fear I should indulge it to my ruin.--What can he do for me, poor girl
as I am!--What can his greatness stoop to! He talks, thought I, of his
pride of heart, and pride of condition; O these are in his head, and in
his heart too, or he would not confess them to me at such an instant.
Well then, thought I, this can be only to seduce me.--He has promised
nothing.--But I am to see what he will do, if I stay a fortnight; and
this fortnight, thought I again, is no such great matter; and I shall
see in a few days how he carries it.--But then, when I again reflected
upon this distance between him and me, and his now open declaration of
love, as he called it; and that after this he would talk with me on that
subject more plainly than ever, and I shall be less armed, may be,
to withstand him; and then I bethought myself, why, if he meant no
dishonour, he should not speak before Mrs. Jervis; and the odious
frightful closet came again into my head, and my narrow escape upon it;
and how easy it might be for him to send Mrs. Jervis and the maids out
of the way; and so that all the mischief he designed me might be brought
about in less than that time; I resolved to go away and trust all to
Providence, and nothing to myself. And how ought I to be thankful for
this resolution!--as you shall hear. But just as I have writ to this place, John sends me word, that he is
going this minute your way; and so I will send you so far as I have
written, and hope by to-morrow night, to ask your blessings, at your own
poor, but happy abode, and tell you the rest by word of mouth; and so I
rest, till then, and for ever, Your dutiful DAUGHTER.