He’s right.
Nothing can hurt more than that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Remembering Lanthie hasn’t gotten easier as each day goes by, but I am learning to breathe through the pain. I know the guilt that swarms me won’t go away easily, but William soothes it. He eases my pain. He makes it better. Easier. Each time he runs his fingers over my body, each time he kisses me, each time he makes love to me, he makes it hurt a little less. He’s giving me a reason to save myself.
Number Eleven has been my “slave” for the past few days, and it hasn’t been easy. I don’t want to tell her what to do, I don’t want to bring that kind of shame to her, but William gave me no choice. I’ve just had her help me out, and slowly she’s stopped glaring at me like she wants to beat me. It’s kind of strange, but I think it’s helped build our relationship.
“It’s movie time,” Number Seven smiles, coming into the bedroom her usual evening swim.
My stomach twists with joy and my body becomes excited. I enjoy movie night, and I enjoy the feelings that come with it.
“I can’t wait,” I beam.
“The girls are arguing over the movie we’ll watch, I’m voting Top Gun, but they’re going with A Walk To Remember.”
“Ugh,” I say, scrunching up my nose. “We’ve done A Walk To Remember, I don’t want to watch it again. It makes me cry.”
“Same,” she says, dropping her towel in the bathroom and changing.
The girls are getting better as each day goes by. We spend time interacting, talking about life in general and hanging out. There is a bond growing between all of us, even though things have been a littve ting betle tough. William is interacting more with us, and we’re all coming along in ways I never thought possible. I never thought he would be the reason we began to breathe easier.
“Well, let’s get cracking, they’ve got the popcorn already.”
My stomach grumbles and I get to my feet, following her out and down the halls. When we get into the large lounge room, the girls have just pressed play on Top Gun. I sigh in relief and go and sit beside Number Twelve. She gives me a small smile, and throws me a toss pillow to put on my lap. I snuggle in and feel myself smiling as the movie begins.
“Tom Cruise is so hot,” Number Two sighs.
I wrinkle my nose. “In this movie he is, I’m not so sure about any others.”
She giggles. “He has that look, you know...”
“What look?”
“The ‘you either like him or hate him’ look.”
I nod. “That’s true. I’m on the fence.”
She laughs and takes a handful of popcorn. She passes me the bowl and I take a handful of my own before passing it along.
“Top Gun?”
We all hear William’s voice and turn to see him leaning against the doorframe, staring at us. He’s wearing a pair of light grey exercise pants and a tight black t-shirt that sticks to his chest in a way that defines all his muscles. His long, thick hair is tied at the nap of his neck, showing us the perfection of his jawline.
“Join us?” Number Four asks, her eyes hopeful.
“Oh, no, I was just passing through,” he says, waving his hand.
“Please, Master William?” Number Nine begs.
“William,” he corrects her.
He meets my gaze and I flush, but I give him the best hopeful expression I can muster. A small grin tugs at his lips, and he sighs. “I suppose my plans can wait.”
The girls all giggle as he walks in and pops himself between Number Twelve and me. He leans back, and then reaches across taking a handful of popcorn.
“I used to love this movie,” he says.
“Used to?” Number Ten asks.
He chuckles. “I still do, it’s just been a while.”
The girls all seem to settle in his presence, and I can’t help but smile as his hand slides across and clutches mine, pulling it into his lap. Number Twelve looks down at it, but she doesn’t say anything.
It’s just nice to have him here, and no one is going to ruin that.
I pull the blade down over my skin, wanting it all to end. All I can see is Lanthie’s face the last time I saw her. She was smiling; her beautiful blonde curls bouncing around her tiny frame. She was so innocent, so free. I press the blade down harder, until blood comes pouring out. It’s the only way to ease the pain.
I can’t go on seeing her face each night when I sleep.
It’s destroying me.
I close my eyes and curl into a ball. Blood pools around my face where my hands are laying, and I feel the burning ache in my wrists beginning to ease as my body becomes light and my mind begins to shut down. This is the best way; it’s the only way. No one can hurt me if I’m not here.
“Emelyn!”
I hear my mother’s voice, but I don’t cry out or call to her. Shall">He che will try to save me, try to say it’s her fault and not mine. She’s wrong; it’s my fault. I should have fought harder, should have tried to beat him. She can’t save me now.
I don’t want to be saved.
I wake up with tears in my eyes; my body is covered in a fine layer of sweat. The dreams aren’t getting easier as the days go on. The more I sleep, the more I remember. I don’t want to remember, I’m tired of re-living a past that will only haunt everything I do for the rest of my life. That’s not how I want to live now, William is teaching me that.