“2017, February 6th, hazy. Just came back from Hai Nan. Reconciled with my biological father. She called me ‘big brother’, and at that moment, I realize there can only be more darkness in my life. Haven’t written a diary entry in a long time, so I don’t know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing.
“Tingting, that night at Hai Nan, we promised each other, after we return to Beijing, you’ll marry Qin Yinan and I’ll meet someone new. We promised to both start brand new. When we see each other next, we’ll be nothing more than siblings. However, I’m sorry, I’ve lied to you again. The only reason I agreed was because I want you to stay in heaven. The abyss of hell, I’ve been here for years already. I can no longer return to a normal life.
“If you want me to give up loving you, I’d rather die. You will never know that in the 1996, the year that I met you, I decided that if I can’t have you then I’d rather be alone. If there is someone out there that can take your place, I would have given up on you so many years ago when I discovered you’re my sister. Or perhaps I’m being too stubborn. Regardless, when I realized I love you, I locked my heart. I’ve trapped myself within the cell I’ve built for myself. I will never leave it, and I don’t want to leave it if it’s not with you.”
“2017, February 10th. Song Menghwa helped me assess many marriage candidates. He even called Song Qingchun over to help. I could see that she was unwilling, but she still sat down to help.
“When I reached home, it was already 11 pm. After taking a shower, I lay in bed but couldn’t fall asleep. I thought about my story with her from the beginning to the end in my head, but I still don’t feel like sleeping.
“This is the fourth time I have been unable to sleep since the trip from Hai Nan. I know she has to marry Qin Yinan, and I know I have to let her see that I am doing fine, but I don’t know how long I can put on this front any longer. I’m not that strong, at least not strong enough to not do anything as the love of my life walks down the aisle with another man, not strong enough to attend their wedding, to raise my glass at them and wish them a life of happiness.”
“2017, February 14th. Her wedding date has been decided, March 14th, White Valentine. This morning, I had a raging headache for almost three hours. When I stood before the window looking at the sunset, my body suddenly rushed forward.
“Thankfully, the glass window was there to stop me. At that moment, I realize perhaps I have fallen ill because I really considered suicide at that moment. I know it is time to see the doctors, but I didn’t go. Instead, I bought myself plenty of tranquilizers. The reason I refuse to see the doctor is very simple. I’ve fallen in love with my younger sister. I’ve expected the disgust and contempt that comes with that reality. It’s okay because I experienced that when I was young. However, I don’t want people to know she’s my younger sister because I don’t want her to experience the disgust and contempt because of me. She’s the most beautiful thing in my life, and I refuse to let the world pollute her.”
“2017 February 16th. I realized missing you has a nickname; it’s called stabbing myself one thousand times. I miss you greatly.”