“You ran to him, didn’t you?” Endless evidence of my deceit trickles down his cheeks before pooling at his lips. “You didn’t even give me a chance to win your heart back.”
I stand there, speechless, because I’ll never have the right words. There are no words to make this right.
“What did you fucking do?” In a blink, he’s on his feet, the crack of splintering wood filling the room between us as he flips the coffee table. Rage-filled eyes scour me across the room as his accusations fly.
“I couldn’t have made it any easier, could I?”
“It had nothing to do with you leaving.”
“Was it good?” Glass shatters in a blur as he rages, deconstructing the life we built together.
“Gavin—” I object hoarsely.
“Fuck you, Katy! Fuck you!” There’s nothing about him that I recognize as he comes apart and shreds the remnants of our history, and the possibility of our beginning. Helpless and guilty, I watch as he smashes his way through my wrongs before crumbling with exhaustion, his body trembling as he shakes his head repeatedly.
I can’t fight back. I won’t. Anything I say will feel empty, will be empty, because I let myself love him.
It just happened? I wasn’t thinking?
None of it is true. It didn’t just happen. I wanted it to happen. And the truth is, I only saw Chris when it did. Words fail me at my every attempt to try and break through. The truth is so simple and so damning, but it’s all I have.
“I meant every word of that letter when I wrote it. I meant forever when I said it. I meant I love you the day you left me, and every day since.”
Disgust mars his features as he takes quick strides between us, ripping my ring from his thumb and tossing it at my feet.
“At least you didn’t have this getting in your way.”
The look in his eyes paralyzes me where I stand. I no longer deserve his love, respect, or patience, so I don’t ask for it. And in some fucked-up way, his fight makes him all the more beautiful, more alluring, and I can’t help but wish I’d seen any part of this side sooner. At least then it would have taken the place of the concern and expectation that ripped us apart.
But I don’t voice it, because more than anything else, I see the revulsion, and it reigns over him as he takes a step back from me and runs his hands through his hair.
Shame cloaks me. I would give anything to escape the cavity I’m locked inside of, to escape my own skin.
“The first night I was here, I sat on our swing, praying for the second you pulled up. I just wanted to erase the space,” he says in a whisper. “At first, I couldn’t accept that you still wanted us. I knew how hard you were trying, but I didn’t believe you, I couldn’t, not after what I saw. It hurt so fucking much.”
“Gavin—”
“What?” he says, taking an aggressive step forward.
I shake my head.
“When you didn’t show up the second night,” his voice begins to quake with an anger that’s now familiar, “do you have any idea what that did to me?”
I lower my head, only to see the evidence of my failure sparkling just past my boot.
“Look at me!”
Lifting my chin, I see defiance. “You think I haven’t had a dozen or more chances to stray since we’ve been married?”
I have zero doubts he has, but it has never been an issue, and it never would’ve been. Panic rips through me as I see a small amount of satisfaction in his eyes from my hypocritical reaction to his threat. But I’m not the one who gets to ask the questions. Whatever he’s done, I have no right to know.
“We both made promises, Katy, but I kept mine. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and you can both fucking go to hell,” he spits before turning his back on me to grab his first bag.
“I—we—aren’t together.”
“Yeah, he’s going back, isn’t he? Looks like he’s got different priorities.”
All the blood leaves my face when I realize just how far Gavin could go to make life hell on Chris. But the truth is, Gavin would never stoop so low. A sick smile covers his face, and it’s everything I can do not to lash out.
“That’s not you,” I say with confidence. “You aren’t that man.”
“Ah, but he’s the type to fuck my wife.”
Cringing, I clutch my chest. “Please stop.”
“Please stop?” He shakes his head and wipes his nose. “Stop what? Jesus,” his face twists in disgust, “I can fucking smell him on you!”
Panic rises, and I flinch as he takes a step toward me. When he sees it, he stops in his tracks.
“What? You afraid of me now? That’s rich.” He picks up two of his packed bags and tosses them on the porch.
It takes me a full minute to speak. “What will we tell Noah?”
“You’ve become quite the fucking liar. I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” he snaps as he discards another in the growing stack.
“Are you divorcing me?” The words feel weak, pathetic, coming out of my mouth, but panic is winning at this point.
Gavin keeps his back to me. “You didn’t even put your fucking wedding ring back on. That should’ve been the first sign. I’m picking Noah up from your parents.”
This time I step up. “The hell you are! You aren’t taking my son away from me!”
He looks back at me with clear anguish in his features. “I would never do that. Ever. Despite how badly I want to punish you, I’ll never use him. Get yourself together, Katy.”
“Please, please, don’t take him.” I fall to my knees as my heart bottoms out. I’m in hysterics as Gavin hauls more bags to the porch. The house goes silent with his footfalls in the hallway, and it’s only then that I realize he’s standing in front of me, feet away, staring down at me, his tears falling rapidly.
“I wish”—he licks a tear off his lips—“I just wish you could have trusted me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper through shuddered breaths.
“I’ll bring him home the day after tomorrow.”
Relieved cries leave me as I push the tears away with my fingers. “Thank you.”
“I’m not taking him away, Katy.”
Slowly I rise to my feet and lift my eyes to his. “Y-you’ll never know how s-s-sorry I a-am for hurting you the way I have. You’ll never know how much seeing you this way hurts m-me.”
“But I wasn’t enough, was I?” he says with a tear-filled rasp.
We’re both sobbing a foot away from the other, inconsolable, with no pain greater than the vast space I just put between us.
“Gavin?” My chest rises and falls with shuddered breaths.
I don’t ask the first question because I know I’ve destroyed it. My selfish need to know the answer to the second outweighs all else, but I can’t bring myself to ask.
In my heart, I still feel it from my husband—my lover, my teacher, and my best friend—and I can’t deny myself this one comfort because I know without it, I won’t ever come back.
His answer echoes out in the memories we hold between us just before he closes the door.
“Forever.”
Chapter Sixty-Two
Katy
Fuck my heart.
It’s the one relationship I can end on my terms. Even as my body forces tears of mourning from me, I rebuke them for weakness, and instead of cleansing me, it fuels me.
Because I’m still angry.
And this time it’s got everything to do with the choices I’ve made because of the foolish muscle.
I’ve been so intent on healing myself that I ruined three lives, and none of them belong to me, although I’ve destroyed that one, too. My little boy is starting to ask questions I can’t answer, questions I refuse to ask his father because Gavin’s absence is more alarming than ever. Noah’s reports to me are coming regularly. “Daddy’s been crying. I saw him in his bathroom.”
Those were the words that helped me bounce from bottom to below ground, where I dug the shovel in deep and discarded the pumping vessel before hurling myself forward and as far away as possible.