The household gradually settled down to near normal. At first, the only thing missing was the sound of Alex’s voice. As Carmen expected, he went back to work only a few days after he came home. He was on light duty, working only with small animals; and part time. She thought it would be good for him, but he immediately started having nightmares.
Nightmares weren’t his only problem, though. There was no reason why he couldn’t do the finances or make the normal decisions. Yet he left everything to her. At first she though exhaustion might be the cause, but when he started working longer hours, it was obvious that wasn’t the case.
And then there was that other thing – their love life, or lack thereof. His method upon arrival at home had remained the same. He was no longer an ardent lover. In fact, he wasn’t much of a lover at all. It was still like sleeping with a stranger. Maybe she should instruct or remind him, but the thought of it seemed so unnatural. It was embarrassing enough to simply think of the things to tell him, let alone say it to him.
While their relationship was strained, his relationship with Jonathan and Destiny had returned to normal. For that she was grateful.
In the time that he had been home, he never asked about the man who stabbed him, nor the situation with Lori. She was reluctant to broach the subject. Maybe he wasn’t ready to face that yet. Surely he had thought about it. Maybe that was the cause of the nightmares. Or, maybe it was the thing with his father. If he was still around, she hadn’t seen him. Maybe he went back home. Would that trouble Alex?
In the last week, she had started going to bed after he was asleep and getting up before he woke. It wasn’t intentional. His new schedule often sent him to bed early and kept him there until the last moment. Hopefully it was the remnants of the coma and would wear off. She had little desire any more. It sounded like a classic case of depression, yet she had nothing to be depressed about. Alex was back home and healthy. Life was returning to normal – maybe not at the pace she would like. Alex was a good provider and father. Still, there was the change in their love life. It might be trivial, but it was an integral part of their marriage. She kept telling herself she had married him not knowing what that would be like, so basically he was the same person. She wasn’t very convincing.
The issue came to a head one day when he was standing in the living room signing with Jonathan. She was looking him over, noting that he had gained back the weight and muscle tone, and that he looked delightful again. Alex glanced over and noticed her attention. Instead of his usual pleased smile, he simply turned back to Jonathan. Why it hurt so much was a mystery. It shouldn’t have, but the emotion was so strong that it brought tears to her eyes. Afraid someone would see, she turned and walked down the hall. In the privacy of their bedroom, she sat on the bed, allowing the tears to flow. The back door shut as Jonathan and Alex left the house. It was like a switch to release the flood. Burying her face in her hands, she let the sobs rule. It was utterly ridiculous to cry about something so trivial, and yet it felt good. No one would know.
The bed sagged beside her and she jerked her head up, choking down a sob. It was Alex! She wiped the tears from her cheeks with a shirtsleeve, feeling like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
His expression was tormented.
“I’m sorry,” she said, unsure what else to say.
He signed a quest of what was making her cry and she stared mutely at him, frantically trying to think of something. Finally she shrugged.
“I just needed a good cry.” It was true, if not complete in its information.
His reflective gaze searched her face, his brows furrowed with concern.
She forced a smile. “I’m alright now.”
He signed “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she answered.
He sat a moment longer and then reached out and covered her hand with his. Finally he left the room. It was hard to believe he didn’t understand the source of her distress, and yet he acted as though he was baffled.
It was time to talk to someone, but the idea of talking to a councilor was almost as uncomfortable as talking to no one. Mums was her first choice because of confidentiality issues, but there probably wasn’t much romance at her age and after so many years of marriage. Then there was Katie. Being Alex’s sister, that seemed an unwise choice. Still, any advice from Katie would be straightforward, and that was definitely a plus.
When Katie brought the twins over one hot August day, Carmen finally found the courage to bring up the subject. Katie listened attentively and then thought it over a few minutes.
“Are you sure your failure to respond doesn’t have something to do with his inability to talk? I mean, he always was a sweet talker. I don’t get much out of that, but it always seemed to me that you did.”
It was a thought. Alex always seemed to know the right thing to say in any moment, and his silence often felt awkward. That would certainly add to the feeling that he was a stranger. But it wasn’t simply that.
“I don’t think so. He always used to romance me. You know, hold my hand . . .”
“Talk to you.” Katie interjected.
Carmen nodded. “Yes, that too. But it’s as if he doesn’t even see me now.”
Katie was quiet a moment, and then smiled. “So wear something sexy. If I had a figure like yours, I’d use it.”
There was nothing wrong with Katie’s figure except that she was a little over weight. It looked good on her, though.
“I don’t want him to hop my frame.” Carmen said. “I want him to romance me.”
“So tell him what you want him to do.” At Carmen’s uncomfortable look, she shook her head. “I swear. How can you be shy after being married so long? Do you still wear that long nightgown with the collar?”
Warmth crawled up Carmen’s face. “I’ve always worn that. He never had a problem with it before,” She defended. “Anyway, as I said, I want him to romance me.”
Katie sighed. “Well Carmen, marriage is something you have to work at. Otherwise, you start taking each other for granted. People change, and right now he’s probably feeling pretty vulnerable. Maybe he seems like another person because he doesn’t feel like himself. I don’t know, but it seems to me that his ability to perform may be something that makes him feel like himself. So, romance him a little. Buy a bikini and model for him.”
“I’ve never worn a bikini in my life. I’d be embarrassed!”
“Then only wear it in your bedroom. Surely he’s seen you in a lot less than that.”
“So what’s the point of the bikini? Why wear anything at all?”
Katie rolled her eyes. “Because it’s more intriguing for men if something is covered.”
Carmen eyed her skeptically. “You mean tease him.”
“Exactly. How long have you been married?”
“I’ve never teased him.”
“Well, he’s never been stabbed before. Maybe he needs a little shock therapy to bring him back.” Katie sighed. “Honestly, Carmen. You’ve got to get over this shyness. He’s your husband, and if you’re shy, he’s going to feel uncomfortable – unsure. Maybe his inability to talk makes you feel unsure.”
It was possible. Not being able to talk had certainly reduced some of his appeal; and she did feel at loss as to what to do sometimes. Alex had always been the leader in love making. Of course, Katie wouldn’t know about the way he stroked her cheek or brushed her lips with his in such a tantalizing way. But wait. Wasn’t that teasing? Maybe there was something to what Katie was saying. It had never been necessary to tease him to get him aroused. In fact, getting him aroused wasn’t the problem now. And yet, if he had to do a little romancing to score, maybe he would – if he still knew how.
“Give it a try,” Katie coaxed. “What have you got to lose?”
“Well, I guess it’s worth a try. He’s always been so sure of himself. Now that he’s not, maybe I’ll have to be a little more assertive.”
It sounded good in words, but applying it was going to be difficult. Alex had always liked that shyness when it came to their love life. To him it was innocence – a little like every time being the first time. But things were different with him now. Maybe a change was what he needed. The idea of teasing him with her body was a little frightening, but if that was what it took . . .”