Graduation
Spring started stretching out into longer, warmer and sunnier days, a hint at the promise of summer approaching. It energized the student body, creating havoc for the teachers, who had the difficult job of trying to wrangle all that energy. I felt both an eagerness and a resistance for summer to arrive.
I felt eager to get away from the confines of assignments, tests and homework, and to relax for a few months before starting college. Sawyer and I had applied together to different colleges and universities. We'd both received acceptance to Oregon State, so we'd decided to go there. It really was a no brainer for me. I was going wherever Sawyer went. We weren't going to do the long distance relationship thing, because I wasn't letting her get more than a few yards from me, a mile at the most.
Sawyer's parents had surprised her by admitting that they'd invested in an education fund since she was a baby. Even though times had been hard for their family when they'd left everything and moved, they hadn't touched the fund, not wanting to steal Sawyer's chance at a promising future. As they had both gotten jobs in the meantime and were doing quite well now, things were really starting to look better for the Smith family.
Being a struggling single mom, my mom hadn't been able to plan for my education quite like that, but Coach had some influence with the coach there (who apparently was his brother-in-law or something) and I was allowed to try out for the football team. Even though I hadn't played at all this year, I did well enough, that I was offered a partial scholarship and a position on the team. I'd be second or maybe even third string, but I thought that wasn't too shabby for a freshman who'd taken some much needed time off from the game.
Sawyer rolled her eyes that she was seriously going to be dating a college football jock. I laughed and told her she already had the prerequisite boyfriend's letterman's jacket. Of course, that was a high school one. I jokingly told her I'd get her an Oregon State one, with my name in garishly large letters across the back.
She'd started tickling me then, and I'd retaliated by playfully tackling her. One thing led to another, and by the end of our play fight, we had collapsed in my bed, naked and breathless, hearts racing and bodies spent...and deliriously happy. She'd finally conceded that dating a college quarterback may not be so bad, even if he was only second string.
Those were all the things I was looking forward to. What had my stomach twisted into painful knots, was the upcoming anniversary of my friend's deaths. I nearly felt it approaching me as the school year started closing. Their deaths had happened not long after school ended last year. Because of the differences in days off and a couple school closures in January, the anniversary was going to fall exactly on graduation night. It sort of felt symbolic and appropriate...and it sort of sucked.
The circle of close friends that I'd managed to surround myself with by the end of the year, were all understanding and supportive of what the upcoming day meant for me. Randy and Sally, who had started dating after going to a Safe and Sound club dance together, had been especially sympathetic. In a way, it was just as hard for them, my friends weren't only my friends after all, but I don't think they fully understood my apprehension.
It had been months since I'd seen any sort of vision of my friends. The dreams had stopped once my friends had painfully said goodbye to me the night of the dance, but I'd continued having visions of memories around places that we'd been together: Darren and I at the river, Sammy and I playing video games while Darren napped on my couch, and Lillian. There were so many memories of her, that for awhile, they'd nearly assaulted me at every turn.
Sawyer helped me through the painful ones and I struggled through the happy ones. A part of me was having a hard time leaving this town for that very reason. The memories, although sometimes painful, were all I had left of them. When I changed towns, there'd be nothing to remind me of them. I'd lose that too. But...I suppose that was just a part of letting go.
And I wouldn't have to give up every reminder. Surprisingly enough, Josh had called me. He'd been a crying, blubbery mess, and I'd rushed over to his house to check on him. I'd actually driven my mom's car over there, which was saying a lot about how worried I was for him. While I'd driven a couple times since stealing Sawyer's car that day, it was still something that made me edgy, and I generally tried to avoid being behind the wheel.
But Josh had needed me and I'd dropped everything to help him. Being in the house again had hurt and I had a sudden appreciation of just how hard it was for Josh. Everything in there was the same - every picture frame, every childhood keepsake, and every accolade Darren had ever won. It was all in the same spot they'd been in while he was alive. And his room, right across from Josh's, was exactly the same, nearly a shrine of his life. It had even still smelled like Darren when I entered the room and found Josh sobbing on the floor.
We'd talked for hours. It had been the most he'd said to me since Darren had died. He confessed how much he'd hated me, simply because he'd needed someone to hate. It hurt too much to miss Darren with no one but fate to blame. He hadn't understood that at the time, truly believing that I'd been careless and gotten behind the wheel drunk, with friends who'd been reluctant to join me.
Apparently, Brittany had been very convincing when he'd talked to her at his brother's funeral. I cringed that she'd taken that painful moment to twist Josh against me. She really was a manipulative, vindictive little bitch. He'd told me that he'd heard about the sheriff and my mom while listening to some waitresses talk at the diner, and had figured Brittany's story of witnessing me drinking at the party was true, and my connections had let me get away with killing them all.
I assured him it wasn't like that and he said he knew that now. That Mrs. Ryans was helping him see that he'd been transferring his grief into anger and using the swirling gossip to fuel it. But it was all just a distraction, so he wouldn't have to deal. Now that he had to deal, he was struggling with it.
I told him that I struggled too, but we could lean on each other. He'd agreed and we'd started meeting up after that. It brought me comfort that I could maybe mend the rift between Darren's family and myself. His parents were still distant from me, neither condemning nor supporting, but I felt like I could somewhat reconnect with his little brother, and that brightened my spirits considerably.
Mom was equally eager and resistant to see me go. A part of her didn't want to let her baby out of her sight, especially with the tumultuous last year that I'd had. I think it was only the fact that I was leaving with Sawyer that made her okay with it. Those two had bonded in a way that almost overshadowed how my mom had bonded with Lillian. Sawyer saved my life. Sawyer was practically a godsend to my mom. And to me too.
But Mom was also nearly giddy for me to leave. That fact was mainly because she was preparing to move in with her boyfriend. A few weeks ago, his wife's health had taken a turn for the worst. He had stayed with her at the hospital, right up until the very end, offering the friendly comfort and companionship that a lifetime of marriage had afforded them. It was bittersweet for me, maybe for Mom too. She'd finally get to have the relationship she'd wanted with him for years, but at a heavy price.
The sheriff had been understandably sad after his wife's passing, plagued with guilt and remorse and an underlying joy that he could move forward with my mom now, or so he confessed to me one night as we sat together on my couch, watching a baseball game. During that conversation, he confessed that he'd decided to not charge me with anything that fateful night, partly because of my mom; he didn't want her hating him. Then he'd turned on his cushion and given me a hard, steely look.
"But more than that, Lucas...I didn't want to punish you farther." He looked away from me and his voice softened. "When I told you at the hospital that they were gone...when you completely lost it...that's when I decided to not charge you with anything."
My mouth had dropped open at that and I'd tried to respond with something coherent, but couldn't. He looked back at my floundering face and then nodded, a small smile on his lips. "So, don't blame your mom for that. It was me." He sighed heavily and dropped his head. "There was nothing I could legally do, to punish you any more viciously than how you'd already been punished." He looked up and I swallowed and nodded. His brow furrowed and he twisted his lips. "I'm sorry if that decision caused you more problems. I understand that some people were upset that you didn't get in trouble?"
I hung my head and sighed. "Yeah...some."
His hand came up to my shoulder and I looked back at him, at this stern but caring man who would probably be my stepfather one day. "I am sorry for that, Lucas. I was trying to make things better for you. I guess I didn't."
I stared at him for several seconds before answering. "You did help. I don't think I could have dealt with anything...more than what I had to." I shrugged. "So, thank you."
He nodded, his eyes just slightly wetter than usual. With a chuckle, he slung his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into a quick side hug. My mom came across us like that and I thought she was going to start bawling right on the spot. She had desperately wanted her boys to be friends and couldn't be more thrilled at seeing it start to happen.
And it was, in a way. Being around him still brought that horrid accident to my mind, but the longer I spent with him, the more new memories started forming over those painful ones. I'd never forget my friends, or that night, but I felt positive that memories of my mom snuggling with him on the couch, the sheriff and I tossing a ball in the backyard, and all of us laughing together over the antics of the local town crazy, who had wandered down main street buck-naked (and, I was really glad to not have turned into that sort of nut job), made me begin to believe that we could be a family together, a happy one even.
So with excitement and trepidation, I got ready to graduate from this small school of mine. Walking down the halls on my last official day there, I couldn't help the tears that sprang to my eyes. I thankfully didn't start crying as I went about my last day, but it did affect me. I was tied to this school in a more emotional way than I'd realized on my first day back from the crash. This school was such a big part of the friendships and loves that I'd formed. A part of me struggled with letting that go.
"You alright?" Sawyer asked as she reached down and clasped my hand with hers, letting our fingers weave together, as she preferred. Her hair was pulled into adorably cute pigtails, the same way she'd styled it on our first day together.
I smiled softly at her question as we walked to the cafeteria, on our way to have lunch with Randy and Sally, who were giving each other light pecks of affection as they walked in front of us. I watched the large linebacker and the plump, frizzy-haired girl who'd stolen his heart and my smile widened. Life could certainly surprise you sometimes. I'd never have pictured those two together at the beginning of the year. Looking down at the gray-eyed angel gazing up at me with open adoration, reconfirmed those thoughts. I'd never have believed on that first day, that I could feel the way I did when I looked at her, when I made love to her. I'd never have imagined that feelings that strong were even possible, outside of sappy romance novels.
Leaning down to brush her lips with mine, I smiled against her mouth. "I'm wonderful." My free hand reached up to stroke one of the long tails of her hair and I had a brief 'school girl' fantasy flash through my head as I pulled away. My smile widened. She looked doubtful though as she searched my eyes, and I sighed contently and shook my head at her boundless concern.
My eyes flicked over the loud, boisterous cafeteria as we entered it. Some of the students looked up when I entered, some smiled and shot me a wave. Some looked at me blankly for a moment before returning to their conversations. Josh met my gaze while I waited in line with Sawyer, deciding to splurge on our last day with some hot food that I'd heard was nearly edible and vaguely resembled pizza. He gave me a polite nod before he went back to what looked like an argument with the girlfriend he always seemed to be in a tiff with.
Some of the students snacking on their midday meals had spilled out into the warm air of the sunny, near-summer day and we decided to join them, picking a vacant spot under a shady tree. Even though Sawyer and I were dressed in typical summer garb, shorts and light t-shirts, her shirt was still long-sleeved, and she still played with those sleeves on occasion, stretching out the fabric with her habit. I knew now why she dressed that way, and as we held hands while sitting in the grass, my thumb came up to sweep the scar at her wrist. She didn't flinch anymore when I did that, completely comfortable now with me exploring her body. Besides, I think she understood that I did that as a silent thanks to the Heavens for keeping her here...for me.
My eyes drifted over the familiar buildings and memories of my friends assaulted me. I drew them to me, absorbing them, never wanting to forget a moment that I'd spent here with them. I felt a chin rest on my shoulder and I pulled out of my thoughts to gaze down at Sawyer sitting close by my side.
"You sure you're okay? You seem a little...down." She kissed my shoulder and then rested her cheek upon it.
I kissed her forehead and allowed myself a sad smile. "I guess I'm just...reminiscing."
She lifted her head and held my gaze. "About Lillian." She said it calmly, but I knew enough about her to know that a trace of sadness was there, buried deep under the surface. She knew that what she and I had, went way beyond what Lil and I had ever shared together, but she also knew that Lil would never leave my heart. Unlike an ex that I had simply drifted apart from, Lil had died, and in the middle of our love affair. And a part of me, a miniscule part of me, would always be in love with her.
I kissed her head again and shook mine. "No, not just Lil." My eyes swept over the campus again. "All of them. I feel like once I leave here...I'm leaving them all behind, for good."
Her hand came up to touch my cheek and I looked back at her. I blinked when I realized my vision was watery and I couldn't see her clearly. Great. Guess I was going to start crying today. She brushed one tear that had managed to escape away before our lunch mates saw it. Her gaze softened as she watched the emotions slide across my face.
She nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Do you want to talk about it?" Her eyes swept over the campus before returning to mine. "It will help you to remember, if you say it out loud."
I smiled and nodded. I looked down, gathering myself, and then started telling her every moment I remembered with them. I was a little surprised at how easy it was to talk about them now, but months of counseling had taught me to open up, and nobody on this earth made me more comfortable than Sawyer, so opening up to her was particularly easy, especially now that we were so close.
Some of the memories I had were hard, and my eyes watered again, but with no more tears falling, luckily. Some memories were humorous and we both shared some good laughs. Sawyer held my hand and listened with rapt attention while I told her stories about people she'd never gotten the chance to meet. It made me a little sad that she never had; she would have loved my friends. But then...if she had, our relationship would be completely different.
Eventually Randy and Sally interjected with some stories of their own and I listened intently at hearing tales of my friends through other people's eyes. Eventually after that, a small circle had formed around us, of more people sharing their recollections. More tears sprang to my eyes as I listened to others share their memories. It lifted my heart at hearing how deeply my friends were missed, and not just by me. It lifted my heart that they would never be forgotten.
As the small circle, that was starting to feel like a group therapy session, widened and the stories grew more joyous, I noticed Josh on the outskirts, listening. I motioned to him with my finger, but he shook his head and stayed where he was, yards away from the happy remembrances, but still absorbing them.
I understood. Even in the midst of all the warmth I felt from the group, a part of me felt alone and sad. A part of me wanted to pull away and retreat into my shell, but I knew that wouldn't do me any good, so I stayed. I stayed and listened and even contributed with stories of my own. By the time people started heading off to class and it was just Sawyer and I, enjoying our free period in the sun, I felt like the memories were molded and encased in plaster - never to escape my head.
That evening, Sawyer came to my house, all decked out in a beautiful lavender dress. Her super black hair had the front layers pulled back into a simple clip, exposing her long elegant neck. As I told her she looked amazing and pressed that silky material to my body, my fingers sliding easily along her contours, my head rewound itself to our last encounter, and the sounds she'd made when my lips had traveled over that smooth skin, the rapid pulse of her heart evident as my tongue had swept tiny circles along the artery of that slim neck.
Her eyes smoldered as they met mine and I thought maybe my steamy thoughts were apparent on my face. Either that, or she liked the black slacks and the crisp, dark blue shirt that I was wearing (complete with a tie this time), and was having steamy thoughts of her own. I hoped her thoughts were in line with mine again. Her fingers slid down that tie, trailing down my chest as well, as she looked over my more orderly than usual, styled hair. She bit her lip and brought her attention to my hazel eyes, eyes that I imagined had to be smoldering right back at her. "You look great," she whispered.
I smiled and pulled her even tighter, wishing my mom wasn't in the house getting ready for the graduation ceremony, wishing we had more time before we had to leave for that ceremony...wishing I could rip her clothes off right here. Well, maybe tonight...afterwards? Now that we were having sex on a regular basis, I found myself wanting it all the time. Luckily, Sawyer had an appetite that matched my own. We were well on our way to rivaling Darren and Sammy's weekly average.
Her eyes dragged over my body and I felt the heat of that stare even through my clothes. My body started reacting to her, to the curves of her body, emphasized in that satin material, to her fingers exploring my chest muscles, and to her eyes mentally undressing me. Just as I was about to pull the telltale sign of my arousal away from her, she pressed her hips into me and I groaned.
She reached up to kiss me, a playful smile on her lips and lust clear in her eyes. "I wish we had more time," she whispered as we kissed fiercely, her words again matching my thoughts as we stood clenched together, still standing just a few feet from the front door. She hadn't made it very far before our hormones had taken over.
I started to back her into that door, not much caring anymore that my mom was in her bedroom. She gasped as I pressed against her, and I felt myself getting harder. My lips traveled down to her neck, back to that artery, where her heart was racing again. "You are driving me crazy...I want you." She groaned after I said that and her hands ran down to my ass, pulling my hips and grinding me into her. I groaned and started to run through places in my head where we could go and my mom wouldn't interrupt us.
"Lucas...is that Sawyer? Are you guys ready?"
"God, yes..." I heard myself mutter lowly. Sawyer started laughing and I tore myself away from her body, laughing as well now. As we stepped away from each other, I tossed an answer to my mom's creepily well-timed question over my shoulder. "Yes, Mom, Sawyer's here."
Shaking my head, I twisted back to face her. She was still braced against the door, still laughing, her cheeks flushed from embarrassment and desire. My body twitched and I sighed, knowing I had to wait for that wonderful connection. My smile turned into a wry one. "When are we leaving for college again?"
She giggled more and reached out for my hand. I grabbed it and together we headed over to the couch so my body could calm down a bit before my mom stepped into the room. I looked over at her as we sat. "Needless to say...I really like your dress."
She rolled her eyes and laughed again. "I should have remembered that dresses are your Achilles' heel."
She raised an eyebrow at that and I smirked at her comment. My gaze went to the space above the television set. The wall there had been empty for a long time, but Mom had slowly started putting up pictures of Sawyer and me. Amongst the random everyday shots, was the picture that had been taken of us at the winter dance. In it, Sawyer was gazing up at me and I was gazing right back down at her. Even from the profile of our faces, the look of love passing between us was unmistakable. The photographer had been right when he'd assured me that it was perfect.
Right beside that picture, was one that had been taken a few weeks ago at Senior Prom. Sawyer's mom had gone behind her dad's back and splurged on a magnificently fitted, long-sleeved dress. It had been low cut with a high slit up one leg. In a midnight-black shade that had beautifully matched her hair, the tight gown had also showed off every curve of her body. Mine had really liked that. We'd barely made it through half of that dance before our overly aroused bodies had needed a change of locale. Sawyer was right...I did have a thing for her in sexy dresses.
We were both chuckling about it when my mom finally joined us. She was wearing a summery dress with large flowers printed on it. She had left her hair down, curling it into large waves that nearly hid the gray streaks. With a beaming smile on her face as she looked over the two of us holding hands on the couch, I thought she looked half her age. I smiled at her youthful enthusiasm for the potentially boring event tonight.
She crossed over in front of the couch and grabbed a smooth strand of Sawyer's hair. Her eyes watered as she looked over my girlfriend. I chuckled lightly that she was nearly crying already; she'd be bawling long before I was actually handed my diploma.
Her hand trailed down the satin covering Sawyer's arms, down to her wrists. She grabbed Sawyer's fingers and squeezed for a second while Sawyer smiled up at her. "Sawyer, honey, you're so beautiful. That dress is lovely." Mom turned to look at me. "Isn't she lovely, Lucas?"
I blushed slightly and Sawyer giggled at seeing it. We both knew what I "thought" of her dress. "Yes, Mom, she's beautiful." I whispered that last part directly at Sawyer and her cheeks flushed to a blush more perfect than any brand name makeup could hope to mimic.
Mom patted my shoulder. "You're very handsome as well, Lucas. I swear you look more like your father every day." I looked back up at her when she said that. We didn't often speak of my dad, or ever speak of him really. Her smile was a sad one, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to look more and more like my father every day. Her melancholy almost instantly shifted back to radiance. "Neil will be here in a minute and then we'll go."
She took a seat in the chair next to the couch and demurely crossed her ankles, her face dreamy at the mention of her boyfriend. She looked down and bit her lip. "Um, I won't be back after the ceremony, Lucas." She peeked up at me and I swear she was blushing. Finally she raised her chin and gave me a level gaze. "I'm going to stay overnight with Neil."
I had no idea what to say to that. On the one hand, I had accepted their relationship and I was thrilled that she was happy. On the other...my mom had pretty much just told me she was having sex tonight. My stomach twisted a little bit as I flatly said, "Alright."
She grinned like a school girl and Sawyer chuckled beside me. Mom shifted her focus to her. "Are your parents coming tonight, dear? I'd love to chat with your mom again."
Sawyer nodded. "Yeah, they're meeting me there. A bunch of us senior girls are having a sleepover at Sally's house afterwards, so I'm taking my own car." As I watched her blankly, not realizing that she'd made plans without me, her hand subtly squeezed mine. As she didn't turn to look at me, I wondered over that move that was obviously meant to convey something. Then it hit me so hard I actually groaned, quickly shifting it to a cough when my mom looked at me funny.
Sawyer had just lied. She had no intention of going to Sally's tonight. She was staying overnight...with me. Maybe she'd only originally planned on staying most of the night with me and then heading out to Sally's before morning, but my mom had just handed her an overnight pass. Mom wasn't coming home tonight...and Sawyer wasn't leaving me. My slacks got a little uncomfortable as I thought about that, and I squeezed her hand back much harder than she'd squeezed mine.
I could not concentrate on any of the conversations we had after that, while we waited for Neil to show up. I was ready for the dressed portion of the evening to be over with. Although, I'd have to tell Sawyer at some point to not change out of that dress after the ceremony...
Sheriff Whitney, uh, Neil, pulled into a parking space right beside the space I'd parked Sawyer's car in. Even though the drive to the high school was a fairly short one from my house, I exhaled with relief when I turned the key off. I generally let Sawyer drive us everywhere, but tonight had seemed like the kind of occasion where I should be more of a gentleman and drive her. Especially with her looking so nice in that silky dress.
Her hand came out to my knee as I watched Neil get out of his car and walk over to my mom's door, escorting her from her car just like I wanted to escort Sawyer. Maybe he felt the evening called for a little chivalry, or maybe that was just a remnant of his generation. That's probably just the way things were done back in the day...he was quite a bit older than my mom. But if that didn't bother her, I suppose I shouldn't let it bother me.
I looked back at Sawyer as she squeezed my knee. Her face had a warm smile on it and mine matched it as I gazed at her. "You did great, Luc."
I knew she was talking about my driving and I felt my cheeks flush with heat, both at her encouragement and at the fact that she felt like she needed to encourage me. Eventually I would get passed this obstacle and feel more at ease behind the wheel again. It was just going to take a lot longer than I'd anticipated. At least I didn't get panic attacks at just the thought of getting behind the wheel anymore. That was something.
I nodded at her and opened my door. She waited in her seat, knowing I wanted to be all grownup-like for her, and watched me walk around the car. I swung open her door and swiftly swept her into my arms for a quick kiss, surprising her and making her let out a short squeak. An unhappy grunt behind me got my attention and I twisted to look over my shoulder, immediately meeting gazes with Sawyer's intimidating father. It would seem they'd also just arrived. He'd gradually accepted that our purely platonic friendship had shifted to something much deeper, after that day on the highway, and while Sawyer assured me that he did indeed like me, he generally did not like seeing me with my hands and mouth all over his baby girl.
I instantly stepped away from her, not wanting to get her into any unnecessary trouble that might prevent her from spending the night with me, or with Sally, as her parents believed. They may have accepted our relationship, but they weren't about to condone us having sex. Even if Sawyer and I were both eighteen now, and technically adults, they were still parents, and much like my mom, they were most likely pretending that the two of us had decided to hold off on the physical stuff until we were away at college (if not until we were married). I wasn't about to let it slip to any of them that that was most definitely not the case.
Sawyer calmly walked up to her dad and slung her slim arms around his massive neck, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. You could see the big man practically melt as he hugged her back. Her mom broke off from chatting with Neil and my mom, and gave her daughter a warm hug when her father had let go. Then her mom hugged me and told us she was proud of us. Sawyer's dad merely nodded and grunted at me again.
Walking hand in hand, Sawyer and I parted ways with the parents and headed to the back of the gym, where the rest of the seniors were waiting. There were about eighty of us in this small school and most were having conversations with friends in groups of five or six. Everyone was dressed semi-formally, most already wearing their graduation robes slung open over their shoulders.
Sawyer and I were handed ours by Sally, who immediately started chatting with Sawyer about her party. I had no idea if Sally was aware that Sawyer wasn't really coming over or not. From the sound of it, Sawyer hadn't told her yet. As I tuned out their girl talk, I took a look around at the assembled students lounging about in the choir room, waiting for their five seconds of acknowledgement for four years of hard work.
It was a sea of blue before me. Blue robes and blue square hats with blue and white tassels hanging off the top. The room screamed school spirit and buzzed with the excited energy of people ready to leave that spirit behind. I looked over the faces I'd become close with over the last couple months and gave them brief smiles when our eyes met. Randy waved at me and I waved back. He was talking with some of the senior football players, Will included.
Will rolled his eyes at me when mine met his, but he made no move to antagonize me. While we had never warmed to each other, the level of teasing had died down once I'd started standing up to him. I narrowed it down to 'little man on campus' syndrome. For a long time I'd had everything he'd wanted - a successful position as quarterback on the team and Lillian firmly by my side, completely head over heels in love with me. Seeing me fall from that, had been too tempting of a target to stroke his ego with. I hoped severing our friendship had been worth it to him. It wasn't for me.
My eyes passed over several teachers in the room, Ms. Reynolds and Mr. Varner among them. Oddly enough, they were talking closely together and I watched as his hand brushed against her thigh suggestively. I grimaced at the thought of her dating that jerk. After everything she'd done for me this year, I felt a little protective of her, and hated for her to end up with that asshole. As she brushed his fingers away, I smiled wryly. Maybe she was well aware of his nature and could see past the face that drove the high school girls to distraction. Good. I'd rather see her with a man who looked like a troll, than a man who actually was one.
With irritation on his face, Mr. Varner's eyes slid over to mine. They narrowed when they took me in. I knew I'd been staring at him with an expression that probably looked smug, and I didn't change that expression as I continued to stare at him. The guy was a jerk and deserved to be shot down. He broke our eye contact, rolling his and walking away from Ms. Reynolds.
Her perky, pixie cut hair turned to look over at me and her beautiful smile widened. Now that I knew the bloodline, I thought I could see the resemblance to Sawyer in the shape of her eyes and the color of her brown hair, that more matched Sawyer's mom, since Sawyer dyed hers. The body was also a pretty close match as the skirt Ms. Reynolds was wearing clung to her thighs and the flowery blouse plunged deep to show her cleavage. After a brief smile and nod to her, I turned to take in the other students, needing all references to Sawyer's body out of my head.
As I started to space out, staring at the sea of blue and white, I suddenly clearly saw Darren, Sammy and Lil, all in their gowns, and talking with each other with mile wide grins. Envisioning them like that hadn't happened in weeks, and I smiled, welcoming it. Especially today. Darren looked over at me and waved with a playful glint in his dark eyes, his dark hair, in typical disarray, seemingly emphasizing his devilishness. I grinned as I imagined that Darren would have had some prank planned for his brief moment of fame. Knowing Darren, he'd have gone up on stage only wearing boxers under that robe and he'd have taken that moment to flash the crowd to thunderous applause from the student body.
My gaze shifted to the imagined version of Sammy holding Darren's hand. She'd of thought that was hilarious and would have been hollering the loudest of anyone for him. His antics never really made her angry. Irritated sometimes, sure, but never angry. She very rarely had anything but a happy grin on her face and my vision of her right now was no different. She turned her auburn head to say something to Lillian standing next to her and my gaze shifted as well.
A twang went through me. That probably wouldn't ever stop when I pictured her, but the ache was a dull one as she met my gaze and smiled at me. A sad smile was on my face as I imagined that if last year hadn't happened, last year to this exact date, I'd be standing over there with them, laughing about all the trouble we'd caused in our last year and planning to go out with a bang before we separated for colleges. I swallowed harshly and my hands clenched involuntarily.
"Hey." A soft voice beside me broke my vision and I blinked several times before looking down at Sawyer beside me. I knew my eyes were wet as she looked up at me. "You okay?" She lightly shook our joined hands and I relaxed my death grip on her.
I nodded, but then stopped and shook my head. With a slight lift of my lip I shrugged. "It was today." She nodded and leaned against me, understanding what I meant. The accident had happened today. I swallowed and continued, "I would never have imagined a year ago, that I'd be graduating today without them..."
My voice trailed off as my throat closed up. Sawyer's eyes watered and she nodded again. "They'd be so proud of you, Luc."
I closed my eyes at that and nodded. Yes, they would. They'd be thrilled that I'd survived the year, survived the torment and whispers and the, at times, self-inflicted pain. They'd be proud that I was moving forward. They'd be joyous that I had a potentially great life ahead of me, with a pretty amazing girl beside me, and even though I wished with every speck of life inside my body that they'd survived too, I was proud of them. Proud that I'd known them, proud that I'd loved them and proud that they'd loved me too. Proud that we'd had the kind of friendship together that some people went their whole lives without experiencing. And I'd hold that to me...forever.
Eventually Mr. Varner and Ms. Reynolds organized us into a few long alphabetized lines. Being the only 'W' in my class, I was in the back of the last line. Sawyer looked back at me from farther up our line and smiled brilliantly, the tassel on her hat swishing as she turned her head. She mouthed 'I love you' and twisted back around before I could say anything back. I smiled as I watched her talk to Sally standing in the line right next to her.
Ms. Reynolds came down each line, congratulating the seniors. She stopped in front of Sawyer and gave her a few words, her eyes glistening as she beamed at her relative. They shared a swift hug and then Ms. Reynolds continued down the line to me. She shook her head as she stood in front of me and I knew she had a ton of things she wanted to say to me. I could imagine them: You've come a long way, I'm glad the Safe and Sound club was a help to you, I'm sorry I ever doubted your innocence, I'm here if you need me. All she ended up saying was, "I'm proud of you, Lucas." I grinned as I watched her move back up to the front of the line. That was enough.
She opened up the door and headed out to the gym. With a look of utter boredom on his model face, Mr. Varner told the assembled kids that it was time to get this over with. He flung his hand towards the open door Ms. Reynolds had just walked through. When the first girl in line, Abby Adams, didn't move fast enough, he started making a 'get a move on' gesture with his hand, continually spinning it in a circle while the line eventually trudged forward.
Mr. Varner was either irritated that he'd been put on senior duty, or was irritated that Ms. Reynolds had shot him down. I was hoping it was the latter, but really, just his being irritated was fine with me. He had a hopelessly exasperated look on his face by the time I got to him and I gave him a brief smile. He glared and put a hand on my shoulder, holding me back from the rest.
His eyes searched my face. "You sober? I don't need you up there slowing things down."
I rolled my eyes and jerked away from his touch. Here was one person who was going to think the worst of me no matter what. I tried not to take that personally when I thought back over his sour mood all year. He just didn't care much for kids, it wasn't necessarily about me, although, I was pretty sure he disliked me more than the rest. I seriously had no idea how I'd managed to get an A out of his class.
I raised my chin as I held his gaze. "I don't drink." My eyes flicked out the now empty doorframe and then back to him. "And I have no intention of holding up your...plans, Jonathan." I couldn't help my impish grin; I was pretty sure his "plans" weren't the ones he wanted.
He narrowed his eyes even more and shoved my back to get me walking again. "You're already holding up my plans," I heard him mutter as I stepped out into the lacquered floor of the gym. Once again, I thought Mr. Varner had chosen the wrong path in life.
I blinked as I stepped out into the comparatively brighter room, and paused a second to take in the sea of faces in the bleachers. Several younger members of the student body were there, saying goodbye to their older friends, and I recognized several parents of the kids in my class. As I was standing alone by the choir room door, several heads in the bleachers turned to look at me. I was suddenly reminded of the packed gym laughing at me as I stumbled around like an idiot, doped out of my head, back near the beginning of the school year. I was pretty sure this crowd wouldn't start laughing, jeering or throwing rotten tomatoes at me, but the scrutiny was making my cheeks heat.
I hurried to the last row of folding chairs set up before a makeshift stage in the center of the gym floor. The kids in my row were almost all seated by the time I scurried over to them. I sat down on the edge and looked over my row of blue-clad peers to find Sawyer, who was leaning forward in her seat and looking back at me. Her head was cocked and her brow furrowed; she obviously was wondering why I'd been late. I smiled at how much she worried over me and shook my head at her, wanting her to enjoy her moment, her accomplishments, and for once, put my heart aside, if only for a few moments.
I settled back in my seat while the robed students in front of me shifted, preparing for a least an hour of tedium. I looked behind me at the students and parents watching their loved ones, looking for my mom. I found her right away. She was sitting almost directly behind me in the center of the bottom section of bleachers. She was sitting in-between Sawyer's mom and Neil, but she wasn't looking my way, she was bent down in conversation with someone sitting in front of her.
My eyes widened when I realized who she was talking too. I don't think I could have been more surprised. She was talking to Josh. I wasn't sure what startled me more, the fact that she was actually having what looked like a serious conversation with him, a hand supportively on his shoulder, or the fact that he'd actually come to the ceremony. He had no real reason to be here. I mean, he had a few friends in the class, but he was probably going to see them at some after party anyway. Why sit through the pomp and circumstance if you didn't have to?
They finished their conversation, my mom leaning down to give him a swift hug. I remembered then, that my mom didn't know all of the things Josh had said and done to me over the year. All she knew, was that he was Darren's little brother, and that he was probably as broken up over the loss as I was. I was instantly glad that I'd never told her about any of his torments. He may have been an ass to me, but he deserved my mother's kindness. Even if he had implied that she was a whore.
Josh, looking a little uncomfortable, loosely returned her hug and then nodded politely at Neil before twisting around to face front again. I could hear the principal start the ceremony and the room quiet down as people turned to listen. I ignored it and kept my gaze on Josh. He stared right back at me, his face blank. Finally, one edge of his lip lifted to a smile. I smiled at seeing it, figuring that was the best I was going to get. It was something though, and much better than him flinging a rock at me.
I twisted around to listen to the monotonous tones of the principal as she went about her prepackaged speech. I spaced out as her level voice lulled me into a semi-conscious state. I thought about the year and everything that had happened. I thought about the people I loved now and the people I'd loved then. I thought about my friends and how they should be here for this.
Ms. Reynolds had confessed that the school had agonized over what to do for them. Some members of the faculty had wanted to have a memorial during the ceremony, showing slides of them and having some students give speeches. My stomach had twisted at the thought of having to sit through that. I wasn't sure if I could, even after all this time.
Some other teachers had wanted to only do a symbolic memorial, saving empty seats and acknowledging their names in the correct places among the other students, pointing them out, but not dwelling on the tragedy. I thought that would have been a really decent thing to do.
But, a few of the more vocal teachers, and I'm assuming Mr. Varner was among these, had raised quite a ruckus over the whole thing, insisting that there had been memorials over the summer and the students had had the entire year with a grief counselor on staff to deal with their pain. They felt that graduation should only celebrate the accomplishments of the living, and the dead shouldn't be brought up during such a joyous time.
I had been really offended by that. Especially since I was pretty sure that the teachers complaining just wanted to speed up the whole ordeal so their summers could start already. Unfortunately, the principal had agreed with the louder faculty members and nothing was being done. On the anniversary of my friends' tragic deaths, nothing was being done to honor them. The longer I sat in my hard backed chair, the longer that thought didn't sit well with me.
They were people, people I loved dearly. Not "events" that could be tossed aside because bringing them up might make some people uncomfortable. I knew it would be hard for me to hear their names and be reminded of their absence, but it was their right. They'd struggled through years of learning. They'd all been decent, if not good students. They'd all participated in the extra circular activities and had been active members of the community. They'd all been loved. They would have graduated, with honors, if their lives had continued normally. Well, Darren would have just squeaked by, but I'm positive he would have graduated.
They deserved better than being swept under the rug. They deserved their recognition.