You Never Forget...Your First Time
"Getting there" took longer than I'd ever imagined it could. But I had as much help as one person could possibly ask for. Beth met with me daily, even after my ordered sessions were finished. I decided to forgo rejoining the purity club to continue meeting with her. I found our sessions infinitely helpful, and figured Sawyer and I saw enough of each other, that I could probably last the rest of the year without being in the club with her.
That wasn't to say I didn't participate in anything. Sawyer and Ms. Reynolds talked to Sally, and convinced her to let me join social events for the club. I wasn't sure if now that the school knew my story, it was suddenly socially acceptable for me to be a prim and proper 'Safe and Sound Club' member, or if Sally just trusted me with Sawyer now, but after a brief talk with the principal, she had readily agreed to letting me come to games and dances and even a couple choir concerts (I loved having the excuse to hear Sawyer sing and she was wonderful at it), all to spread the joy of living life substance free.
As I got over the lunacy of one club trying to change teenage behavior, I started to see that the club was actually helping some people. As it grew in size, the club started putting on their own events - dances and fundraisers and bowling nights - all in an attempt to show kids how to have fun in a "clean" way. As Sawyer and I went to these events, I started to see people truly begin to come to life. Just like me, some of them had been hiding themselves away, maybe with drugs or alcohol or promiscuity, instead of self-imposed isolation, but as they let that part of their life go, they blossomed in a way that was inspiring to watch. It sort of made me proud to be a pseudo-member of such a life altering group.
As winter started shifting into spring, the climate toward me had pretty much thawed as well. A few assholes still chose to badmouth me, and Brittany still tried (in almost comical ways) to drive a wedge between Sawyer and I (which, at this point was such an impossibility, that all her lame attempts at gossip mongering succeeded in doing, was giving Sawyer and me something to giggle about during lunch), but the majority of the student body was open to the idea of taking me back, now that I was open to the idea of letting them.
Following the advice of Sawyer and Beth, I kept myself emotionally available to people; allowing them in, allowing them to talk to me and talking in return. Most of them only needed to hear my story once, and then were content to let my past die and accept who I was now. Most people had just been confused by the swirl of rumors and my abject silence. They hadn't understood, and had been afraid to ask.
Eventually, I formed a small circle of peers, friends even. Randy and Sally started becoming close in my life, hanging out with Sawyer and I often. Randy even tried out for baseball with me, and we both made the team. I hadn't been too surprised about that. Eventually that team started feeling like a second family to me, the same as football had been just a year ago, and I started being more involved in my teammates' lives. It wasn't the same as the tight group I'd had before, but it was enough to start bringing me back to life.
And Josh...well, after second semester started, and Sawyer and I came up with a schedule that got us four out of five classes together plus a free "study" period, I didn't see him much. The school wasn't big enough for me to never see him again, but without a class together, the contact we had was pretty minimal - brushing past each other in the hall, watching him fight with his girlfriend across campus, or occasionally spotting him talking with Will on the steps of the main building as Sawyer and I approached for first period.
He didn't speak much to me, and he didn't try and start anything either. It was almost like I'd become invisible to him. Almost. Sometimes, I'd catch him watching me from the other end of the hall or staring at me a little longer than was necessary as we passed by each other on the stairs.
I didn't know what he thought of me, if he still hated me, still blamed me. I'd thought to ask Beth what he'd said about me during their sessions, but decided against it. What she and I discussed was nothing I'd want her to talk about with anyone else, not that she would, and I had to believe that Josh felt the same.
It was nearly three months after our brief words to each other in the principal's office, when I was sure we'd never speak again, that we ran into each other in the first floor men's room. I was washing my hands when he walked in the door. I looked up in the mirror automatically and my eyes did a double take when I registered him standing in the open frame. His eyes locked with mine, and for a second, I was sure he was going to leave. No one else was in here and I was pretty sure Josh didn't want to be alone with me.
Surprisingly, he didn't. He sniffed and looked down, then walked into the room, letting the door swing closed behind him. I stepped away from the sink, wiping my hands off on my jeans, and wondering what to say to him. He kept his head down and made like he was going to go to a stall, to shut me out. But then he paused and looked back at me.
I swallowed and my face softened at the haggard look on his. His dark eyes had nearly as dark of circles underneath them. His dark hair was shaggy and unkempt, as disheveled as his baggy clothes under his baggy letterman's jacket. He looked more tired than I'd ever seen him, and I couldn't help but think that no matter the struggles we'd gone through earlier in the year, I wanted to see him smiling and happy again. A tiny part of me even wanted him to start attacking me again. Even if his smile had been a vindictive one back then, it had at least been a smile.
My brow furrowed in concern for him. "Are you...okay?" It occurred to me then, that even though Josh had a circle of friends, none of them were probably that invested in his happiness. Josh didn't exactly have a "Sawyer" to look after him.
He blinked, seemingly taken back that I'd ask him that. He started to shake his head, like he was going to say he was fine, but then he sighed and seemed to slump. "No," he whispered. "I miss him."
I swallowed and nodded, walking over to stand in front of Josh. He looked up at me, blinking slowly, like he wanted to sleep, but hadn't been able to in a really long time. I completely understood that. "I do too...every day."
Josh nodded and looked at our feet. He was silent for long seconds and I started to think that maybe he'd said all he was going to say to me. I debated turning to leave, when he spoke again. "You swear you were sober...?"
I bit my lip and swallowed back the lump that suddenly seized up my throat. Josh peeked up at me, just a hint of anger in his dark eyes as he waited for my answer, waited to see if I'd be truthful. I slowly nodded and my voice was thick when it finally came out. "I swear, Josh. I swear on his grave. It was just a really horrible...accident."
Relief coursed through me as that word passed my lips, relief and a small trickle of peace. It had been an accident and finally admitting that to someone, made me feel a thousand times lighter. Josh cocked his head, gauging the sincerity in my voice. Finally, he swallowed and looked down again, but not before I saw the tears start to form. I let him keep his emotion hidden from me, let him keep his head down.
I put my hand on his shoulder, clenching it hard. "I'm so sorry, Josh. If I could do that night over..." I didn't finish that. It was pretty much implied anyway that of course I'd do things differently. I just didn't know what.
What had happened wasn't something that I could have prevented without some foresight of what was going to happen. At the time I'd been doing what I could to be a responsible friend, driving my other drunken friends home. Maybe I could have slowed my speed, maybe I could have made sure my friends were safely buckled. But really, would that have changed the outcome? I felt another trickle of peace come into me. I'd done what I could...the rest hadn't been up to me.
Josh looked up at my touch, his cheeks wet, and nodded solemnly. I wanted to hug him, but didn't really want to stress this tenuous connection we were having. Wanting to help in some way, but not knowing how, I removed my hand and awkwardly put it back in my pocket. "I hear you got sent to Mrs. Ryans."
He nodded, his eyes guarded, and I continued with a shrug of my shoulders. "Yeah. I wasn't too thrilled to see her at first either." I looked down and added quietly, "She really helped me though."
I bit my lip to not ask him if she had helped him, if she still was helping him. I slyly peeked up at him, to read his face. He was staring away from me, gazing at the door. I wondered if he was debating leaving, but instead of moving, he spoke, "She has been helping, I guess. It's hard...but I'm starting to like talking to her."
I looked up and he met my gaze. Smiling, I nodded at him. "Good."
The silence stretched between us as we simply looked at each other. Thinking Sawyer was going to bust in here looking for me, I shifted to move. My adjustment broke our silent stare down and as my head twisted to the door, he spoke again.
"Do you still feel like killing yourself?" I hesitated and looked back at him, wondering if he knew about the highway. His eyes watered again as his face became tragically sad. He lightly shook his head and with a wavering voice said, "Does that ever go away?"
Finally understanding that he wasn't really talking about my mental state, that he was talking about his own, I turned back to him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "No, I don't want to die anymore." Pointedly meeting his eye, I calmly said, "It gets better. Day by day...it does get better."
He swallowed and nodded, his head hanging down again. Deciding it was warranted, I gave him a swift hug. "Call me if you need to, Josh." He mumbled something sounding like an agreement as he loosely hugged me back.
Feeling like Josh needed a minute alone to pull himself back together, I made my way to the door. As I was opening it, I heard him say, "I'm sorry for drugging you, Lucas."
I looked back at his sad, tired face, wondering if I'd ever again see that kid I used to know. I nodded at him and made my way out to the hallway, where Sawyer immediately grasped my hand and asked me if I was okay. I chuckled at her never ending concern and told her everything that had just happened.
Later with Beth, I repeated the encounter. She didn't seem surprised to hear it and I thought maybe Josh had told her already. It pleased me that he was opening up to her as well. Again my hope for him soared. We talked more about Josh and then our conversation shifted to the topic it had started shifting to of late, Sawyer and I.
I talked openly to Beth about everything - past and present, and my virginal status was no exception. As the months of a comforting relationship with Sawyer went by, I started to feel something that surprised me a little. I started to feel like I wanted to move forward with her, beyond what I'd done with any girl. That was a pretty big step for me, considering the fact that I'd been holding out for a dead girl for a really long time now.
Expecting a typical 'wait until you're married' response from the adult across from me, I was pretty surprised when she said she thought that was fine, as long as we were ready, emotionally and physically. She cautioned me to be safe with our bodies and our hearts. I found that much more helpful advice.
As it turned out, the physical aspect of safety wasn't an issue. Sawyer had confessed to me one night, during a frankly honest conversation, that her parents had put her on the pill after her suicide attempt, when the truth behind her reason for the attempt had come out. They'd assumed a 'better safe than sorry' approach to the whole matter and Sawyer hadn't felt the need to tell them it was an unnecessary precaution, since she wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone ever again after her one awful experience. Of course, once she'd met me, taking the pill had seemed wise to her too and she'd continued with it. It made me flush, thinking of how soon into our meeting that she'd been interested in me...like that.
She'd been responsible enough her first time, that they'd used a condom. That turned out to be a good thing, since he'd turned out to be a two or three or six timing asshole. Since she was protected from pregnancy now, thanks to her overprotective parents, and both of our fairly inexperienced bodies were completely healthy, she'd told me that when we were ready to go there, she didn't want a condom barrier with me. She didn't want anymore barriers between us, physical or otherwise. The entire revelation made me oddly happy. I'd be the first man to be inside her, skin to skin (and hopefully the last). It wasn't exactly virginity, but it was enough to make me feel like I'd have a lifelong claim on her. Wow, I guess I was a little possessive.
That made our bodies pretty safe and sound, leaving just our hearts to consider. And as we spent more and more time together intimately, loving each other with tender kisses and caresses, I felt more and more at ease with the future of our hearts. She loved me...and I loved her. Now that I wasn't holding a part of myself away from her, the level of love I felt was nearly astonishing. It was something I'd convinced myself I'd never feel again for a living person. And I wanted to show her how deeply I felt it, but I wanted to make sure I was ready for the right reasons. Well, to be honest, I held off partially because of nerves. But mainly, I held off because I wanted to make sure the moment had nothing to do with Lillian.
I hadn't dreamt of my friends since they'd said goodbye to me, and I felt relief and sadness from that. I knew it was all in my head, but then again, I'd known that all along. That didn't make the fantasy any less addicting, knowing it was fake. It had almost made it better, since I'd had some level of control, although never as much as I'd wanted. But still, a part of me wanted that fantasy back, if anything, just to say goodbye less painfully. It eluded me though and my dreams were constantly...forgettable.
As Sawyer and I got even closer to each other, I took this to be a good thing, like Lillian's absence was her way of saying, 'go ahead, live your life. I won't interfere'. I wanted to tell Sawyer that. I wanted to tell her that I was finally ready to go through that final step with her, that I'd let my past with Lillian go. Days later, when we were in my room after baseball practice, that she had stayed to watch, as she often did, I lazily ran my fingers through her hair as she lay beside me on my bed, and thought maybe I finally could.
My mom had the night off from the diner and was having a nice dinner with Sheriff Whitney. Since their relationship had gone "public", they'd decided to tell his wife the truth. They had decided to do it together, and I'd supported their decision. A real relationship couldn't be continued on lies, from either party. From what I'd heard later from my mom, his wife hadn't been surprised by the announcement.
With a heavy sigh, she'd admitted that she knew; her husband hadn't been that great at hiding the secret and she had known for a couple years. She also admitted that she didn't mind. That seemed odd to me at first, until my mom explained it farther. His wife knew that she was dying and she wanted to leave her husband happy, and Mom made him happy.
While living arrangements were going to stay the same until his wife passed, so he could care for her, albeit it in separate bedrooms, their relationship was now out for everyone to see, and date nights were a more and more frequent thing. My mom was happier than I'd ever seen her, and I let my misgivings about the nature of their relationship go. If all parties were okay with it, who was I to criticize it?
So Mom was out with her boyfriend for the night and Sawyer's parents weren't expecting her back for another couple hours, since they were pretty comfortable with me at this point, and allowed Sawyer much longer "visits". We were alone...completely alone. No parents...no ghosts. No one but the two of us were here in my room, and in my head.
As we kissed and wrapped our arms and legs around each other, I felt like it was the perfect time to tell her that I wanted to be with her, that I was ready to be with her. I just didn't know how to bring it up. But, as she so often did when we were together, Sawyer spoke my thoughts for me.
Her hand came up and the backs of her fingers ran over my cheek as she lovingly gazed up at me. I leaned down to kiss her, but her voice stopped me. "I feel like we've gotten really close, Lucas. And if you're ready to move forward...so am I." I pulled back and gazed at her suddenly serious expression. Her eyes flicked between mine as she softly continued, "I don't want to rush you, if it's still too soon after..." She shrugged and bit her lip. "I just wanted you to know...that if you were ready...I wouldn't say no." Her hand cupped my cheek as her eyes looked over my face. "I love you," she whispered.
I swallowed back the almost overwhelming emotion at hearing her simple declaration. It passed so easily from her lips, yet carried such weight with it. "I love you too, Sawyer." My fingers running through her hair stopped at her jaw and my thumb brushed her tender skin. I thought about her words, about everything we'd been through this year, about everything we'd been through in our short lives. And, as I traced the perfect heart-shaped double arch of her upper lip with my thumb, I thought about Lil...about everything I'd lost with her, because we'd waited for so long. "I am ready, Sawyer. I'm ready...right now."
I leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled away from me. She eyed me warily as I cocked my head at her reaction. "Are you...sure?"
I smiled softly and shook my head. My hand came up to tenderly stroke across her brow, following a long piece of hair at the crown all the way down to her shoulder. "I couldn't be surer." I followed where the long lock hooked over her shirt, lightly grazing the fabric with the back of my knuckle. "If this past year has taught me anything...it's don't put off the important things." My eyes lifted from where they'd been watching my fingers trace the swirl of her hair. "I waited so long with Lil...I never even got the chance to tell her I loved her, much less..."
I swallowed back that thought and started on a different one. "You and I have held off until I was sure I could...be with someone else." My eyes searched hers intently. "I can, and I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to hold back being with someone I love...and I love you, Sawyer. With everything inside of me, I love you and I want to show you." I looked down and felt the heat in my body, the desire in my voice. "I want to make love to you..."
I raised my eyes to hers. They misted as she gazed up at me and then her hands tangled in my hair and pulled me to her. Her lips met mine intensely and I shifted my body, so I was lying more directly on top of her. One of her hands trailed down my back as I pressed my body into hers. She gasped at the feel of me and hitched her leg around mine, drawing us tighter. I groaned and deepened the kiss, feeling her tongue slide against mine.
Her hands tugged at my shirt and I helped her lift the fabric over my head. Her eyes drifted down my chest as her fingernails lightly dragged down my muscles. I hissed in a soft breath while hers caught. Our eyes met again and my body heated even more at the desire I saw in hers. Our lips met as her hands reattached themselves to my wavy, mess of hair. My hand slid up her shirt as our mouths tasted, felt, caressed each other's. I felt her taut nipples through the light fabric of her bra and a quiver went through my body. She moaned in my mouth when I ran my thumbs over the sensitive peaks. Needing more of her bare skin, I tore the shirt off of her and paused to stare down at the black see-through bra that was the same dark shade as her hair. I stopped breathing.
"Do you like it?" I managed to drag my eyes up to her face, her lips twisted in a soft smile. "The underwear matches," she whispered.
I closed my eyes as a shudder went through me and a throb pulsed through my lower body. "Yeah," I whispered. "I like it." My fingers ran behind her back as my lips traveled along her jaw to her ear. Gently tugging on a lobe, I muttered, "I almost hate to take it off..."
She whimpered and arched her back and my hand bunched the fabric and unsnapped the hinge. Smoothly, I pulled it off her shoulders and gazed down at her undeniable beauty, unadorned and unhampered by seductive fabric. She was perfect. "You're beautiful," I murmured as my head lowered to taste that tempting skin. She pressed my head into her breast as my tongue flicked and stroked her nipple. She moaned and rocked her hips when I ran my teeth over the tender flesh. She was panting and rubbing her legs up mine provocatively when I switched to the other one.
Her hips rocked again as I trailed soft kisses down her abdomen. My hands lightly ran down her sides, tickling her, and she laughed softly and then groaned. I flicked my tongue in her belly button and closed my eyes at the moan she made. It went straight to my already hard body and I knew I needed her to touch me soon. I drew a line with my nose to her waistband and kissed the button on her jeans before I unhooked it.
She groaned and helped me unzip and remove them. I bit my lip when I saw the aforementioned matching see-through underwear, and had to look away from the overly erotic sight before I lost it. The second we had successfully pulled her jeans off of her, her hands came up to mine. I was so ready for her, that the feeling of the tips of her fingers brushing against me through the denim fabric made me suck in a quick breath and mutter her name.
She rolled me to my back as she unzipped them and slid them down. I lifted my hips so she could get them off and she kissed the tip of me, through the fabric of my boxer-briefs. I gasped and stilled my hips to keep myself from coming. Not noticing what that nearly did to me, she pulled my jeans all the way off.
Not wanting to completely lose it if she did that again, I slipped my boxers off while her back was turned, occupied with dropping my jeans to the floor. When she swiveled back, her eyes widened as she took in the naked sight of me. I flushed as her eyes stayed focused on my erection. Nerves suddenly tightened my stomach at what we were going to do, what I was finally going to do. Maybe Darren was right, maybe I'd built sex up too much in my head. Now the expectation of it was sort of squashing me.
"I'm nervous," I whispered.
Her eyes immediately flew to my face and her brow scrunched slightly as a hand reached out to cup my face. "Why? It's just me." She smiled encouragingly, like those words would help me.
I swallowed and shook my head, sitting up on an elbow beside her. "Exactly....it's you." I sighed and ran a hand down her arm, my eyes tracking the movement. "I don't want to disappoint you," I whispered.
The hand on my cheek moved to under my chin, lifting me and making me look at her. "You...could never disappoint me, Lucas. Never." I started to protest, but she quickly leaned over and kissed me, cutting off my words. "I'm not feeling overly confident about myself either, you know. I mean, the last guy I was with rated me a three." I shook my head but she quickly cut me off again. "But I've always felt comfortable being with you, and I know this will be perfect...because it's you and me. That's all that matters, that's all that's ever mattered...you and me."
I sighed and let her deepen the kiss; draw me into her mouth, into her passion as we lay side-by-side. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe I wouldn't mess this up. Possibly still feeling my tension, she ran her lips to my ear and huskily whispered, "Just tell me what you need...and I'll do it."
The answer slipped out of my mouth before any conscious thought was put into it. "I just want you to touch me," I whispered.
She groaned at my words and slipped her hands down my sides, running them along my hips. I started to move on top of her when she slipped her hands under her own underwear and slipped them off. I paused, taking in the entire effect of this beautiful, naked woman lying on my bed...for me.
My breath spiked and a sharp ache went straight through me. With my eyes never leaving her sensuous body, I watched the way she slid her hands over herself, along her curves, over her hip bones, across her stomach. I again began to move over her, needing to be with her, and was again distracted by her hand, dipping down to her inner thigh.
My mouth dropped open as she ran a finger along her own wetness, a sharp gasp leaving her lips as she swept one digit and then another through the moisture, collecting some on the tips. I bit my lip, praying that this sight didn't cause me to come before she'd even touched me. She breathed lightly on my cheek as I watched her fingers intently. She pushed two of them all the way inside herself and I heard a groan escape me.
She pulled them out and I could see the dampness of her arousal shine in the fading sunlight filtering in the room. My breath increased dramatically and I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. Just when I was sure I was as hard as it was humanly possible to get, her damp fingers touched the tip of me and I stiffened even more. I cried out and closed my eyes as she spread her moisture over the head, gently coating the length of me. I felt her lips press against mine at the same time that her thumb swept a circle over the top of me. I tried not to, but a deep groan followed by a quick inhale through my teeth, escaped my lips.
I automatically deepened the kiss, matching her intensity and breath as her hand ran down the length of me, squeezing at the base before running back up to sweep her thumb over the top. I moaned in a near whimpering way at the electricity coursing through me, and hearing gentle words of encouragement, I moved my hips against her hand. I groaned louder, sucking on her bottom lip as her hand made a continuous loop - up, over, down and back up. She squeezed me harder and I pressed harder with my hips, loving the feeling of sliding through her slick fingers, imaging we were already joined together.
I relaxed into the rhythm of her hand and my hips and all nerves vanished with the rightness of the movement. Our lips never stopping, our breath only increasing, Sawyer took her free hand and with a gentle prodding, urged me to finally move myself directly on top of her. Still pumping gently into her hand held in-between us, the very tip of me started grazing over the wetness of her, over and over. She groaned and rocked her hips whenever I touched her, and I rocked faster to touch her more often.
I felt a wonderful tension building and knew I was getting dangerously close. I panicked for a moment, suddenly worried that I'd lose it all over her body. But it was approaching fast, closer and closer with every thrust, and eventually I stopped worrying about it, and heard Sawyer's name pass my lips with a "more" and "yes", followed close behind. My forehead rocked against hers, my breath fast pants that matched hers, as my hands dug into her shoulders.
Just as I felt my stomach clench with the start of my release, her hand let go of me and her other hand stilled my hips. The feeling immediately faded from me and a disappointed whimper escaped my lips before I could stop it.
Her lips came to mine, kissing me softly, bringing me down a little with soothing touches and soft words. Her gentle kisses traveled to my ear, where she very gently said, "It's okay, Lucas. This will be better...I promise." I dropped my head to her neck and moaned softly.
With that, she adjusted her legs wider and guided the head of me, to the entrance of her. As her wet warmness called to me, I ached with the need to plunge deep inside her. I stopped myself though and lifted my head to gaze at the pale, gray eyes looking back at me so lovingly.
"This means everything to me, Sawyer. You mean everything. I love you."
Her eyes misted over as her hand urged me inside of her. I gasped as the tip of me slid in and she pulled her hand away. "I love you too, Luc," she whispered, as she pulled my hips to her, sinking me all of the way inside of her with a deep moan.
I was overwhelmed as she took me in, inch-by-inch, until our hips rested flush together. She conformed to me, like she was made...just for me. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. All I could do was lie there and try to absorb the fact that I was within her - we were one.
"Move in me, Lucas."
Her sweet voice awoke me from my over-stimulated state and I inhaled a deep, steadying breath. Slowly, I moved my hips back and then equally as slow, forward again. I will never, no matter how many more times in my life that I do this, forget that first thrust. It was electric. It was earth shattering. It was exquisite pleasure, made all the more so because I was experiencing it with her.
It started at the very tip of me and shot all the way back through my body in shuddering waves. I cried out with the ecstasy of it and dropped my head to her shoulder. Her hands came up to cradle me, and our hips started a slow, easy rhythm - neither one of us wanting to rush this moment.
I sort of felt like I should be doing something more for her - touching her, kissing her or whispering words of undying love, but I found that all I could do, was keep my head buried in her shoulder, making near whimpering noises as explosive new feelings and sensations rocketed through me. Even though I knew this wasn't her first time, like it was mine, there were enough moans and general sounds of approval passing her lips that I believed, whatever I was doing, was enough for her.
Of their own accord, our hips started rocking together faster and my whimpering changed to some sort of uncontrollable groaning. I felt that unbearably wonderful tension building in me again, but stronger than I'd ever felt before. It started somewhere in my abdomen and throbbed outward down the length of me buried deep inside her. The need to relieve that wonderful pressure was so incredibly strong that I grabbed her hips and started thrusting in her hard and deep. I gasped at the sensation and muttered incoherent words of "more" and "harder". It was working, the buildup was coming.
As I drove faster into her, her murmurs of pleasure turned into outright cries of ecstasy as she met me thrust for thrust. As I panted with pure need, she threw her head back and cried out my name. I sat up slightly to watch her, her black hair spread out over my white pillows, her chest heaving with her exertion, her pale eyes closed. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And then I felt it - I felt the walls of her tighten hard around me, squeezing me in the most intense and erotic way. I'm pretty sure an, "Oh my god, Sawyer," fell from my lips before my stomach clenched and I started coming inside her, pulsing repeatedly with an intenseness I'd never felt before.
She gasped and pulled my head tight to her neck while I groaned, as our hips slowed to gentle rocking. I tenderly kissed her neck, her cheek, her lips, and then I carefully pulled out of her. Gently, I scooped my arms underneath her, rolling onto my back and bringing her with me. She laid her head on my chest as our hearts slowed in time with our breaths. "God, Lucas...I felt you. I felt you come in me."
I kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tighter. "I felt you too." I pulled back to look at her and she looked up, her gray eyes dancing with happiness. "I love you so much, Sawyer. That was...amazing."
I smiled and she laughed and then kissed me softly. "I know. I told you, you wouldn't disappoint." I chuckled and she ran a finger down my cheek. "I love you too, Lucas...so much." She laid her head back down on my chest, snuggling her legs up close to mine. As a shiver went through us, I brought a blanket around our bare bodies and she burrowed even closer to me. Closing my eyes, I let out a long exhale, reveling in the stillness that I felt.
"Are you okay?" she whispered, breaking our silence.
She looked back up at me, concern in her eyes. I knew what she meant by that question. She wasn't asking if I was physically alright, and, I so was, she was checking on my mental state, just like she always did. I'd just done something with her that I'd always assumed I'd do with Lillian first. She wanted to make sure I was okay with my decision, after the fact. I looked away, looking inside myself. Was I okay? Searching the bits and pieces of my heart and head, all I could find in me was happiness though. Happiness, and a calm depth of peace that I'd thought was lost forever to me.
I turned back to her and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I'm great."
She sighed happily, placing light kisses along my chest. I smiled wider with each pass of her lips over my skin. I felt like I could stay here, naked in my bed with her, for days. I hated that we'd eventually have to separate. She lifted her body up and kissed my jaw before propping her elbows on top of my chest and settling her head into her hands. My hands instinctively cradled her waist, holding her against my body.
As she dropped one of her hands to lightly stroke my cheek, the scar on her other wrist was exposed. My eyes locked onto it, hating what she'd done to herself, remembering what I'd nearly done to myself.
She noticed my gaze and spoke softly, "Did you know...that I didn't fail in killing myself?" My eyes went back to hers, surprised and terrified. Her eyes flicked between mine as her hand on my cheek twisted, so her knuckles brushed my skin. Her eyes went to the scar I knew was visible on the wrist I couldn't see. "I succeeded at my attempt. I died at the hospital."
My hand came up from her hip to grab the fingers caressing my face. I kissed the knuckles, holding them to my lips as I swallowed the horrid knot in my stomach. I couldn't imagine her gone. A soft smile lit her lips as her hand clenched mine, her beautiful gray eyes on our fingers. "For a full minute, I was dead. But somehow, somehow they brought me back." Her eyes shifted back to mine and she gave me a pointed look. "And there is nothing quite like death, to make you reevaluate your life. "She cocked her head to the side, her curtain of black hair brushing over my bare skin. "And I think you get that."
I pulled her hand away from my lips and twisted it around so I could fully see her scar. I grabbed her other wrist and brought it around to where I could see both of them in my vision together. Her hands tensed, as she seemed a little reluctant to let me examine them so closely, but of course, she let me. We had no secrets anymore. I placed light kisses along each one, feeling the difference in the texture of her skin, where she'd tried to sever herself from this world. I was so grateful she hadn't been allowed to give up.
"I'm glad you came back," I whispered.
Her hands twisted in mine to reach up and grab my cheeks. Her eyes glassed over with moisture while she looked over my face. Hers took on that expression that was so beyond her years, and I instantly remembered every wise word I'd ever heard her say to me. I understood so much better now, how she'd come to earn that wisdom.
She leaned down, placing a light kiss on my lips. "I'm glad you came back too."