Without realizing what I was doing, I grabbed a pen and began writing. Those first few entries might have contained more than a little anger. There might have been smudges staining the pages with my tears. But I began to feel better because I had my own place to let it all out.
I wrote in it every day.
And I went to see Dr. Marbrow, my psychotherapist. I was determined to do this thing. I was determined that when I saw him again, I would be healthy enough in body, mind and spirit to look him in the eye and tell him how much I wanted him. How much I needed him in my life and to hope that he felt the same way.
So with that goal to fuel my courage, I faced my demons.
***
After some weeks in Anza, Heath and Kat came up to spend a long weekend with me. I think Heath was really worried about me because he kept giving me that look over dinner—homemade gyros and fresh Caesar salad from Mom’s garden. Of all the delicious things my mom made, this dish was his favorite, but he barely paid attention to it.
After dinner, I was getting the horses ready to take them on a sunset ride when he came out into the barn alone.
“Where’s Kat?” I said as I brushed the dust out of Snowball’s coat.
“She’ll be along. I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay…hey, do you want to ride Whiskey or Tate tonight?”
He made a face. “Tate’s an asshole. He threw me repeatedly in high school. Put me on Whiskey. Damn, I haven’t ridden in years.”
I smiled. “I know.”
“How are you really doing, Mia?”
I blinked. “I thought I was looking better…maybe not.”
“You don’t know how badly I want to go beat the shit out of Drake right now.”
I burst out laughing. “He’s back to being Drake to you, huh?”
“I can’t believe he broke up with you when you have fucking cancer.”
“I don’t have fucking cancer anymore and he didn’t break up with me.”
Heath glowered.
“No. Stop it, okay? Adam is your friend, too. I don’t want you to take sides. There are no sides to take.”
Heath folded his arms and shoved his shoulder up against the barn. “You two didn’t break up?”
“You’re nosey,” I retorted.
“I’m pissed. If you two don’t make it then there’s no hope for the rest of us.”
I dropped the soft brush into the plastic tote and grabbed Snowball’s saddle and pad from the tack room—Heath insisted on carrying it over for me even though I was sure I could do it myself. He rested them on Snowball’s back and I adjusted the pad, stooping to grab the girth to begin cinching it up.
“I think I’ll put Kat on my boy Snowball here.”
“Mia—”
“Heath, you, of all people, know the most about what we are dealing with. What we are going through. The losses we’ve had to face. I can’t wave a magic wand and wish it away. We have shit to work through.”
“Then why aren’t you down there going to counseling with him? A good couples’ counselor—”
“That’s not Adam’s style. He’s going to find his own way to deal with his shit. And I’m finding a way to deal with mine.”
“That’s the problem. You aren’t dealing with it together.”
“Hmm. Maybe it’s not time for us to do that yet. Maybe in order to be a healthy couple, we need to be healthy individuals first.” I said the words and this time, I believed them, though I’d doubted the wisdom in them before, when Adam had said them to me.
He was silent so I went to the stall where Whiskey was poking his head out, eyeing me expectantly. I scratched his head under his forelock. “Who’s my good boy?” I slipped a halter over his head and pulled him out of his stall. “You’re going to be a good boy for Heath, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, or Heath’s going to kick your ass. Ask your buddy Tate,” Heath said. He turned back to me. “This was his idea, wasn’t it? For you to separate, to come back here.”
I didn’t answer, bending over to use the hoof pick to clean out Whiskey’s hooves.
“That’s what I thought.”
I straightened and blew out a breath. “I’m not going to judge him for how he’s dealing with this. He needs time alone. I’m going to give it to him. I’d be hypocrite to judge him when I didn’t exactly handle things the best way possible between us last time.”
Heath looked away. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are only human.” He sighed. “This relationship shit is so hard. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it.”