She shook her head. “I hope to God you know what you are doing, Adam, because I think this is a really bad idea.” Then she pressed her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes as if to will the tears to stop.
Mine were minutes away from starting. But I had to show her the brave face—what I definitely wasn’t feeling—that I was confident this was a good idea.
I cleared my throat. “I think it will be good…for both of us. I couldn’t let you go, before…when you wanted space. I kept trying to force the issue and I made things worse with us. I think I’ve learned now…”
She sucked in a painful breath but didn’t speak until she finally stuffed her bandana in her pocket and straightened. “I’ll go pack, then. I need to get my car back from Kat.”
“I’d rather you didn’t drive there today…in this condition.”
She turned to me, her eyes clear but full of pain. “It will be a lot easier for me to drive than it will be for me to stay here another night like this.
I frowned, running my hand across the morning beard on my jaw. “Okay. Then at least take the Tesla. I want you in a safe car. I’ve been driving the Porsche everywhere, anyway.”
She turned and left on shaky legs. I watched her go, running a hand over my face.
This was so hard. I wanted her more than anything. I wanted her here, in my life, by my side, but we were both so wounded I had no idea how we could do that until we healed. Until we figured out where our heads were—where our hearts were.
I loved her with everything that was in me.
But sometimes love just wasn’t enough.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Mia
Full circle. That’s what this was. Eleven months ago, I’d made this same drive with an injured heart and emotions like tropical storms swirling inside me. And here I was back where I was then, making this same drive. Like my life was on some kind of sick, endlessly repeating loop.
Only this time, I’d left my heart behind. Battle-wounded and bloody and left for dead. I fought fresh tears every stretch of that two-hour drive until…until I was about fifteen minutes from pulling into the driveway of the ranch. Passing through the old familiar sights of town—the convenience store on the corner, the little rustic café where I hung out sometimes, the small high school, some of my old friends’ houses. A weird sort of peace came over me. I had no idea what it meant. Just that I hoped it would be okay. That I still had any hope at all inside me was a miracle.
Mom greeted me with concern in her eyes, pulling me into her tight hug. When I’d called her and told her I was coming to stay for a while, I hadn’t given her details. But I’m sure she’d concluded a lot.
“I’m glad you’re here, baby.”
I wished I could say the same. I had no idea what I’d accomplish here for the next eight weeks. Going back to Anza was going backwards, I’d once told Heath. But sometimes no matter how old a person got, they needed their mom. And thank God she was here.
“Mom,” I said, pulling back from her and looking her in the eyes. I’m sure she could see from the swelling in mine that I’d been crying—a lot. “I want you to know that I’m so completely happy for you and Peter. And—whatever happens between me and Adam won’t change that.”
She nodded, taking my bag off my shoulder and turned to take it into the family wing of our Bed-and-Breakfast home. “You don’t have to talk to me about this at all. But as far as I’m concerned, you are here to heal your body and your heart.”
She turned to me and smiled, putting a hand to my head. “Your hair is growing back! It’s coming in darker than it was before.”
I put a self-conscious hand to the fuzz on my head.
“You’re going to have respectable coverage by the time the wedding rolls around.”
“Yeah? It grows that fast?”
She grinned. “Yeah. It will be back in no time. Thick and glossy. And the rest of your body will bounce back, too. You’ll see. I’m on a mission to fatten you up.”
“Not sure I feel much like eating these days, even if I’m not nauseous anymore.”
“Well, you have no choice in the matter. We need to put some weight back on these bones. And I’m fixing your favorite stuff every day. I just made a whole fresh batch of baklava. We’re healing body and heart. Okay?”
I nodded.
Mom left me and I immediately went to my desk, rifled through my drawers and found an old blank notebook that I’d been saving until I had something important enough to write in it because it was just so pretty. It had an imprint of illuminations from the medieval Book of Kells, with Celtic knotwork design and gold embossing. I ran a hand over the cover and pulled it open to gaze at the creamy blank pages within.