Kay smiled and put a warm palm on his cheek. “I’ve seen you with your family. You adore them. Especially your mom.”
“Yes. I do.” Eli’s throat tightened. Images of his mom, frightened and hurt, flashed through his mind. “I saw something happen to my mom… Has Jackson ever mentioned our cousins? The ones that live on the west side of New Haven?”
“I’ve met a few. The tall, handsome one that’s a doctor was at the Memorial Day party.”
Eli gritted his teeth. “Handsome, huh?”
Kay bit her lip and grinned at him. He could tell she was trying to defuse the tension in the room. “Well, you Alexanders are known for having pretty good genetics.”
Eli grunted. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, we all grew up together. Uncle Stewart is the oldest. My father was the second child, then Aunt Maria, and last is Uncle Gordon. He’s the drifter. Every five years or so, he’ll blow through town and then back out again just as fast.”
“If your father was the second son, why did he inherit the farm?”
Eli raised his eyebrows. “Your guess is as good as mine. Apparently Uncle Stewart felt the same way because they haven’t gotten along since. However, for the sake of us kids, they always tried to keep their feud as civil as possible. We played together on the weekends. Grant was as much of a tool then as he appears to be now.”
Kay slid forward until she was perched on the end of the couch. Her breath fanned across his cheek when she exhaled. “So you used to spend time together. What changed?”
“My parents don’t speak of it. I just know what I saw. Uncle Stewart kissing my mom.”
Kay’s hands tightened around his. “No! Your mother wouldn’t do that.”
“It wasn’t her choice, believe me. She slapped him so hard it left a handprint on his face. I was only seventeen when it happened, but I ran up and fought him off. My mom was crying. I wasn’t strong enough to fight him the way I wanted to back then, but I was like a beast possessed. My dad came in then and once I blurted out what happened, he punched my uncle in the face. That was the last time our families got together.”
“I am so sorry,” she whispered.
“She wouldn’t press charges. I couldn’t understand it. I pleaded with her and my dad, but they wouldn’t do it.” He covered his mouth with his hand. He needed to stop talking. Some of the secrets he was telling weren’t his to share. But now that the dam was open, it was like a gaping hole that he couldn’t cover. Everything came spilling out, and he couldn’t hold it back. “It broke something in me, knowing that he could do that to her and get away with it.”
Eli was startled when Kay pulled him closer and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “No wonder you feel so strongly about standing up for women. Because of what happened to your mom.”
“All I could think about for months afterward was what if I hadn’t heard them? What if I hadn’t been near the barn that day? He could have—”
“Don’t even think about it.” Kay caressed his face. “You were there and that’s all that matters. Just like you were trying to do the right thing when you joined that group.”
Eli blinked a few times. “Apparently you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. We were criminals, Kay. We stole and hurt people. The women we saved from the gangs ended up being sold into prostitution somewhere else. We were monsters.”
“Did you know ahead of time that this group was doing bad things?”
Eli sighed. “No, I didn’t, but that’s not the point.”
She moved closer, snaking an arm around his waist. “Would you have joined if you knew the things you know now?”
“Of course not.”
She squeezed him, her arm pulling him against her hip. Her hand rested lightly on his chest as she gazed up at him. “I know that. I wasn’t asking for me. I was asking for you. Because I think you needed to say it out loud. You made a mistake, yes but it wasn’t something you did purposely. I know you’d never want to hurt anyone if you could help it.”
He swallowed against the giant lump that had formed in his throat. Talking her out of her hero worship wasn’t something he wanted to do, but it was the only fair thing. There was so much available to her; the entire world was wide open at this point in her life. She’d never have to know the despair of losing her sense of self or being afraid to look in the mirror because you didn’t like what you saw. She was pure and good. He wanted her to keep that sense of peace, and she wouldn’t be able to with him in her life.
“You always look at me like I was the hero. But I’m not the good guy. I’m just a guy who’s trying to make up for doing bad things.”
“That’s just it, Eli. You’re trying to make it up because you care. Only good guys care about atonement.”
Eli wouldn’t have thought it possible for love to be as evident as it was in her eyes just then. The way she looked at him, damn if it didn’t make him feel invincible. Like he could do anything, bear anything, for her sake. To protect her.
Now she knew the good, the bad, and the unforgivable, and yet she still saw him. Still wanted him. He couldn’t believe it.
No one was this blessed.
“Kay, you can’t have the kind of life you deserve with me. The government monitors me. The people I used to associate with are the kind who hold grudges. I usually don’t sleep in the same location more than a few nights in a row just in case. This is not the kind of life for a family.”