Don’t cry, Kate. You’re not a crier.
I make it to the end of the block and take a left. I think I remember seeing a bus stop just about a quarter of a mile outside the entrance to this subdivision, although I have no clue where I’ll go. I half run, half walk, trying to put as much distance as I can between me and the man who is now starting to batter my heart.
A car approaches me from the rear and when it pulls up alongside me, I hear Zack call out to me. “Kate…get in the car.”
I don’t even look over at him, just duck my head and start trotting faster. He curses and then steps on the gas, his Range Rover shooting forward twenty feet before he slams on the brakes. The driver’s-side door flies open and Zack gets out, slamming the door hard. In three strides he’s in front of me and his hands are on my shoulders.
I duck my head lower and try to push my way past him. “Let go of me.”
“For Christ’s sake,” he growls at me, gripping my shoulders tighter. “Just listen to me a minute.”
I try to pull away from him and he gives me a little shake. “I’m sorry, Kate. Fuck…you have to know I didn’t mean any of that. I have no clue what came over me.”
“You’re an asshole,” I say in a small voice.
Zack pulls on me forcefully and I slam into his body. His arms wrap around me and he squeezes me hard, his chin coming to rest on my head. “I know. And I’m sorry.”
I blink hard several times to dispel the tears that are threatening. “Is Ben in the car watching this?” I mumble into his chest.
“No,” he says on a sigh. “I put him at the kitchen table with a piece of pizza and ordered him not to move.”
Jerking out of his arms, I say, “You need to get back. You can’t leave him alone.”
Zack pushes his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I know. But I couldn’t let you leave like that. Will you just get in the car and come back to the house?”
I have my stubborn pride, but I also know Zack is stubborn too. He’s not leaving until I get in that car and go back to his house, and I am not about to let Ben sit by himself for another moment more. Spinning on my heel, I say, “Fine. Let’s go.”
We’re silent on the short drive back, and when we walk in the house Ben is happily sitting at the table, pulling pepperoni off his pizza. Zack watches me warily, but I don’t pay him any mind.
“I’m tired,” I say quietly, knowing he won’t argue with me in front of Ben. “I’m going to head to bed.”
“You need to eat,” Zack says, almost pleadingly.
“Not hungry,” I tell him, and then walk up to Ben. Leaning over, I give him a kiss on top of his head. “G’night, Silly Putty Pop Star.”
Ben tilts his head backward to look at me upside down with a grin. “Night, Kate.”
As I start to head back through the living room toward the stairs, Zack tries one more time. “Kate…”
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” I tell him without looking back.
And what should we talk about?
Should I tell him that he’s sending me mixed signals? Should I tell him that every time he pulls me closer, he then does something to hurt me? And yes…it hurts a lot to have a physically intimate relationship with someone that I’ve come to admire and care for, who doesn’t return those feelings.
It’s stupid of me, really, to keep going.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But on the flip side, Zack has made many changes since we’ve started this sexual relationship. He’s pushed aside boundaries that he’d said were set in stone. I’m sure he must care some for me.
I’m just not sure it’s enough.
—
Zack clearly didn’t hear me when I told him we’d talk tomorrow.
He came into my room just after nine P.M. I was awake because damn if I could go to sleep, despite how tired I was. The entire wretched scenario just kept playing over and over in my head.
Zack walks over to my bedside table and turns on the lamp. I blink from the bright light since I had been lying in the dark for a few hours. He just stares down at me a moment before he says, “Guilty.”
I shift and then sit up in the bed, pulling the covers over my lap. “Excuse me?”
“I felt guilty that Gina’s pictures weren’t out. I felt like I was betraying her memory that they weren’t out. I felt like shit, I felt guilty, and I took it out on you. And I’m sorry.”
Well, damn…every bit of anger, hurt, and doubt that I had been feeling dissipates and is replaced just as quickly by empathy for Zack. Before I can say anything, he takes a step closer and squats down beside my bed. His hand comes out and rests on my leg. “I’m really sorry, Kate. You didn’t deserve that. That was my pill to swallow and I tried to shove it down your throat instead.”
“It’s okay,” I say softly, my hand reaching out to tug on his shirtsleeve. “You’re entitled to be an ass every once in a while.”
“I’m trying,” he says as he looks at me with naked honesty in his eyes. “I really am. You’ve thrown me for a loop, Kate. You’ve made me feel shit I didn’t think possible and it’s all confused in my head. I just want you to bear with me for a bit while I work through this.”
I nod at him, my heart cracking wide open and trying to suck him inside. “I can do that.”
“I can’t promise you anything,” he says just as gently. “I still don’t have anything to offer you other than what we have right now. There may never be anything else other than sex. I’m just being honest, but you can’t hold out hope for some romantic fairy-tale ending for us, okay?”