“Ditto,” I replied, and took the seat across from her at the bar.
“Harlow just went to get Lila Kate from her stingy daddy. I’m trying to hurry up so I can hold her.”
I rarely got to hold Lila Kate. I smirked at Blaire. “Take your time. I can hold her until you’re done.”
“OK, I got her!” Harlow announced as she walked into the kitchen. “If you want to hold her, you’d better act fast. I’m not sure how long Grant will stay outside before coming in here to hover.”
I jumped up and went to take her from Harlow. “Me first,” I said as Harlow handed her to me.
“She’s not a fan of lying back. She thinks you’re trying to make her go to sleep, so she fusses. She likes to see things.”
Even at six months old, she was still tiny. Her eyes were huge and looked so much like her mother’s. But she had her daddy’s eyelashes and dimple. “Look at how big you are,” I said, sitting down with her in my lap. She reached for my hair and grabbed a handful, but she didn’t tug on it. She just wanted to feel it.
Her eyes studied my face, and I realized there was no dark twist in my gut. Nothing heavy weighing on me. As much as I loved Nate and Lila Kate, every time I had held them or even been around them before, I’d felt a heaviness on my heart. I’d never wanted to accept it, but I knew why it was there.
But now I was free of that. I could watch her little expressions without sadness or guilt. She let go of my hair and patted my neck. Grant’s laughter carried through the windows, and she started straining to see over my shoulder.
“You hear your—”
“Don’t say the D word. She’ll realize he’s not around and start fussing,” Harlow warned from her spot at the bar.
That was too cute.
“Enjoy it. I’m almost done, and then she’s mine. I have a rambunctious toddler who would rather fist-bump me than hug me, so I need to hold something small and sweet,” Blaire said before she turned on the blender.
Lila Kate jumped at the noise and swung her little head around to see what was going on. Her hand squeezed my arm, and she laid her head over my chest. I wanted this. I could admit that now. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom one day. The fact that I could even think about it without having guilt eat me alive was so freeing I almost burst into tears right there in the kitchen.
I ducked my head and blinked away the tears quickly. Maybe one day, I would explain the past to my friends, but I wasn’t ready yet. I hadn’t even told Tripp. I had almost expected him to call me and ask me about it after I’d talked to him at the golf course. But he’d either forgotten or gotten too busy.
The blender stopped, and luckily, my eyes dried up. I kissed Lila Kate’s face and inhaled her baby smell right before Blaire came over with her hands out and a big goofy grin on her face, saying, “My turn.”
I handed her over just as Grant’s laughter came through the window again. This time, Lila Kate started trying to twist around to find him. Her lips stuck out, and she scrunched her nose like she was about to cry.
“Oh, no you don’t. We don’t need him. Come on, let’s go explore,” Blaire told her as she walked off with Lila Kate in her arms.
Harlow filled two margarita glasses and brought me one. “You want one, Della?” she asked.
Della was washing fruit and putting it into a large bowl. “No, I’m good right now. Thanks,” she said.
Harlow bit back a grin and sat down beside me. “You look good,” she said.
“Thank you,” I replied before taking a sip.
“No, I mean your eyes. You look . . . well, the empty look is gone.”
I set my glass down and decided to be as honest as I could without telling them anything. “I’m healing. Learning to let go and live again.”
Harlow smiled. “I am so glad to hear you say that.”
“Me, too,” Della said, then popped a grape into her mouth. “I’d fix you up, but apparently, I’m bad at that, so I’m not going to try it again.”
I knew she was referring to Charity, but that only reminded me that Tripp was outside with London.
“He seems to have found his own date. And he’s worse at it than you are,” Harlow said with a frown.
“I know, right? I was thinking the same thing,” Della replied.
Grant filled the doorway, and his eyes went straight to Harlow. “She OK? Where is she?” he asked, scanning the room like she would be up and walking around on her own.
“Blaire has her. She’s fine,” Harlow said with a laugh. “Go back outside.”
Grant walked over and pressed a kiss to Harlow’s head. “You good in here?”
Harlow grinned up at him. “I’m with my friends drinking a margarita. What do you think?” she teased.
“Good point,” he said, then pressed a kiss to her lips this time.
“Oh, for God’s sake, get a room! You’re the worst one of the bunch,” Della said, laughing.
Grant flashed a smug smirk.
“Uh-oh, I didn’t know you were in here,” Blaire said as she walked back in.
Lila Kate got one look at Grant and started reaching and fussing to make sure everyone knew who it was she wanted.
“There’s my girl,” Grant cooed, and went to take her from Blaire.
“Well, that lasted all of twenty minutes,” Blaire drawled as she went over to get a margarita.