“She cleans up nice, doesn’t she?” A voice broke through the silence and my eyes fell on Dorris. She was much thinner since the last time I had seen her, and she had aged at least ten years. Her lips curled up in a smile and I crossed the room in two large strides to hug her.
“It’s been too long.” I gave her an extra squeeze before she pulled back to look me over. “Does Tuck know you’re here?”
“Not yet.” Her smile grew. “I told him I wasn’t able to fly.”
“He’s going to be excited. You were the one thing he said would be missing.”
“That and a good meal. You boys are so thin.” Her eyes danced over the twins, who came over to give her a hug. Terry lifted her from the ground and she squealed, smacking him on the shoulder so he would put her down. “Hasn’t Cass been feeding you?”
“They eat like horses. I can hardly keep up,” Cass joked, running her hand down the front of her silky dress.
“I’ll have to send you some of my recipes. Tucker always loved my lasagna.”
“I’d appreciate that. Thank you,” Cass said.
2
SARAH
DAMAGED AND FILTH had become like family during our tour, and it was amazing to be back with them all. It was like coming home. My eyes drifted over Derek, who sat next to me on the pew. I wondered how it was possible for Cass and Tuck to maintain that “first love” mentality when only a few weeks after the tour ended Derek had already begun to grow distant again. Living on the road is stressful, and going from one gig to the next wears you down. I hoped this trip would help us relax. At the least, I knew that this time he was being faithful.
He looked bored as his foot jumped against the hardwood floor. He didn’t believe in marriage and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of making a bigger commitment. But I felt that he was all talk, that maybe he’d come around. We’d had some rough patches, but we always found our way back to each other—in a lot of ways, he’d become my rock, and it was getting harder and harder to imagine my life without him these days.
I placed my hand on his knee to still his movements. He flicked my arm and I jumped.
“Stop that! You know I hate when you do that.”
I mumbled under my breath as I looked up at Tucker, who was standing in the front of the room, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He looked more excited than nervous, and it made me smile knowing Cass had found someone who truly loved her.
A lot had changed since we had gone on tour with Damaged. Our band was playing more gigs and that meant a lot of long hours on the road. It was nearly impossible to get a decent night’s sleep, and on top of that, the partying intensified.
I envied Cass and Tucker for being able to walk through hell and back together and still smile when their eyes met. I glanced over at Derek and he winked at me, causing my heart to skip a beat. He was good at frustrating me one minute and melting my heart the next.
E stepped out of the door in the back of the room, and his eyes met mine briefly before he made his way to Tucker and whispered something quietly to him. Tucker grinned and said something back to him.
“I still don’t like that ass**le,” Derek’s angry voice broke through my thoughts.
“He’s a good guy”—I cleared my throat—“and you know he’s been through a lot. What is your problem with him, anyway? He never did anything to you.”
Derek’s eyes met mine now. “Did he ever do anything to you?”
I hated that someone I had once considered one of my closest friends and my boyfriend didn’t get along. Derek had always been jealous of the friendship I had developed with E when Derek and I had first split up. Two weeks after the tour ended, Derek and I had gotten into a huge fight because E had texted me in the middle of the night after having another melt-down, and since then Derek had forced me to cut off communication with E entirely. But that was just how E and I worked. He listened to me and let me talk him off a ledge when no one else could get through to him. Then I would ramble for hours about my own problems, and he would just listen until his breathing would even out and I knew he was back to sleep. It didn’t mean we were sleeping together, it just meant we got each other, something that Derek had never been able to understand. Or maybe he just couldn’t help but feel threatened by E, by the thought of our connecting in some way. Either way, Derek just couldn’t seem to deal with it, not even now, after weeks of silence between E and me.
“No. He’s just a friend.”
“I see the way he looks at you. That guy’s been eye-fucking you since we joined the tour. I still don’t buy the ‘just friends’ garbage.”
I sighed as I struggled to not let my frustration get the best of me. I had given up a great friendship for Derek, but he still wouldn’t let it go. I knew his own infidelity in the past caused him to be concerned, but it was wasted emotion. I had never cheated on Derek, even in our darkest moments.
“It’s never been like that with E.”
“I trust you, Sarah. It’s him that I don’t trust.” Derek ran his hand over his shoulder-length, black hair as he relaxed in his seat.
“Then you have nothing to worry about because I’m not going anywhere.”
“You promised me.”
I could only nod. I knew it would be impossible to maintain a friendship with E when he and my boyfriend hated each other. The door in the back of the room opened again and Dorris walked out, limping slightly. Tucker’s face lit up and he ran to meet her at the end of the aisle. My eyes found Eric’s and he was staring at me, his face hard. The intensity of his gaze made it impossible to look away. I was surprised to feel a fluttering in my stomach. Was he making me nervous?
He wasn’t the angry ass**le most thought he was. He had a deeper side to him that few got to see. Donna came out of the little room and made her way to E, saying something quietly to him. She wrapped her arms around his and led him back to the back of the church.
“I always thought he was tapping that.” Derek laughed.
I rolled my eyes. The thought of E and Donna was laughable. He had told me a hundred times that he wouldn’t risk their friendship—or her sometimes precarious position as the band’s manager—for a one-night stand. If Derek only knew him the way I did, he’d know E just didn’t chase hot women for the sake of getting laid. And he wouldn’t ever hit on me, either.
Dorris, Damaged’s former manager, took a seat on the other side of the church pews, and Tucker made his way back to the front to stand by the preacher. Soon after, Donna was sitting by Dorris’s side, and the wedding was ready to begin. Music began to swell, signaling the bride’s entrance. For a rocker couple’s wedding, I was surprised that they’d gone with the traditional “Wedding March.”
Cass looked stunning in her simple silk dress, with crisscross backing. As usual, she didn’t need to cover herself in jewelry and makeup. She was naturally beautiful. She kept it simple with a small necklace and a little bit of makeup to play up her features. The rest of the band walked by her side as she slowly made her way to Tucker, like magnets drawn to each other. The “Wedding March” continued to play quietly in the background, and Tucker’s eyes grew wide and his lips quirked in a loving smile.
The love they had for each other radiated off them. I wondered if anyone ever looked at Derek and me and felt that way.
The ceremony was simple but perfect. Tucker and Cass didn’t write their own vows beforehand, but spoke honestly from their hearts about their love for each other. I cried as they spoke, and Derek gave my hand a little squeeze. I smiled over at him. His face softened and his eyes filled with warmth. The hardness that usually defined his expression seemed to slip away, just for a moment, revealing that the old Derek who had stolen my heart all that time ago was still in there, even after all we had been through. Trying to maintain a committed relationship while living the rock-and-roll lifestyle is nearly impossible, but we had survived thus far.
“I can’t wait until we are up there,” I whispered, trying to gauge whether seeing Tucker and Cass making such a moving commitment to each other was having an impact on Derek’s rocker bravado.
But Derek just looked over at me and rolled his eyes as he shook his head. “Sarah . . .”
“What? You can’t blame me for trying,” I grumbled. Derek had told me from day one he never planned to get married, but I still hoped he would change his mind, especially now that things had gotten so serious with us.
“We don’t need a stupid piece of paper to show that we love each other. It’s not important.”
“It’s not important to you, and if it is so stupid, why not just humor me?”
“You’re killing me, woman.”
After the ceremony everyone stood and made their way to the center of the room to congratulate the newlyweds. I hugged Cass and we both cried. Derek’s arm went over my shoulders and he pulled me against his side, my hand falling to his chest.
“When are we hitting the strip club?” Derek asked, and my heart sank.
I looked up at E, whose gaze was locked on mine, causing me to squirm. I didn’t remember his being so . . . intense.
“Come on, man. I want to spend tonight with my bride.” Tucker laughed as he pulled Cass into his arms and kissed her on the forehead. “How long you in LA for?”
“We’ll be here for two weeks.”
My eyes danced around the plain church as memories of my past began to wash over me.
“Why do you have to marry him?” I asked my mother as she finished braiding my hair and securing a tie around the end.
“He’s not a bad guy, Sarah Bear. He’s good to me and to you kids.”
“He’s creepy.” I folded my arms over my chest and my mother just laughed. I had no real reason to hate Phil. But sometimes his eyes lingered on me for just a second too long and his hugs seemed to be just a little too tight. I could feel it in my gut—something just wasn’t right.
“I don’t expect you to understand what love is. You’re only eleven, but one day you will know what he means to me and maybe then you can be happy for me,” she snapped, and I felt like the world’s biggest jerk. Now I had upset Mom on her big day.
“You’ve only been with him for four months. Why can’t you just date him like a normal person?” I huffed.
She laughed as her hands smoothed over her cream-colored silk gown that stopped just below her knees. “Normal people get married.”
“Yeah, well, he is a jerk, and he is always yelling at me like he’s my dad or something.” I wanted to tell her how uncomfortable he made me, but I knew she would just think I was trying to get them to break up. I wasn’t exactly accepting of him from the first moment he walked into our lives. He moved in only three weeks after Mom introduced us to him. What if Dad came back? Our family would never be back together if Mom was with this guy.
“You’re right, Sarah. He’s not your dad. Your dad couldn’t handle being a father and ran off with the neighbor.”
“Maybe lightning will strike twice.”
“You stop that right now!” Her voice was a low whisper and she was practically growling. “Your sister is only seven and she isn’t acting like a brat. Why are you? You should be thankful someone even wants to join this family. It’s not often a guy will take on someone else’s kids.”
I glanced over at my little sister; her hair was a shade lighter than mine and curled at the bottom. She was holding a bouquet of cream-colored flowers and pulling off the petals.
“Stop it, you idiot. You’re ruining her flowers!” I snapped, and my sister frowned as tears formed in her eyes.
“Stop fighting with your sister, Sarah. Don’t you take out your childish anger on her.”
“You okay?” Cass asked.
It took a moment for her words to sink in and for the memories to be pushed aside. I nodded and forced a smile.
“You don’t look happy.” She frowned.
“I’m great. Weddings . . .” I rolled my eyes as I glanced around the group.
“Yeah, I get it.” She was now beaming from ear to ear as her eyes fell on her new husband. She didn’t get it and I was glad. I carefully placed my mask back in place. I wasn’t going to let my memories ruin her big day.
“You look amazing,” I whispered to her and she pulled me into her arms for a hug. I needed that hug more than she realized. She’d become like a sister to me on the road, and I had missed having her in my life so much these past few weeks. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d seen or heard from my own sister, and sometimes I felt that Derek and the guys were the only family I had left in the world.
3
ERIC
I PULLED MY TIE loose and fell against the inside of my hotel-room door. I felt as if I were suffocating. I had been trying to push what day it was out of my head for Cass and Tucker’s sake, but I was missing my brother more than ever and it killed me to force a smile,
I hadn’t realized how much I had missed Sarah until I looked into her eyes. She always seemed to see past the bullshit, as if she was looking at the real me. It scared the f**k out of me but it was also freeing. So why couldn’t she see what kind of ass**le Derek was? Why would she subject herself to his constant mind games and cheating?
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I struggled to fight off the headache that was slowly beginning to throb in my head. I just didn’t want to see her get hurt. That is what I told myself. Denying my feelings was a hell of a lot less scary than accepting how much I liked her . . . and yet would never have her. It was always hard to never have a place I could call home. I felt that I was never where I was supposed to be. I was always just on the outside, watching everyone else being happy. It was like chasing a shadow. I could never get close enough without surrounding myself in darkness.