“You ready to head out?” Tucker asked, cocking his head to the side.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I shot him a smile as I slipped my feet into my brown sandals. He looped his hand in mine and we headed off on our morning adventure.
I nearly fell over as I stepped out of the bus. The sun was shining brightly and we were in the parking lot of a mall. It took me a moment to get my bearings.
“They drove while we slept.” Tucker stated the obvious, poking me in the ribs.
“Welcome to life on the road,” Eric said as he put on a pair of aviator sunglasses.
I followed behind the group as we made our way inside the mall. All of the guys were wearing T-shirts and jeans, none of them looking like the rock stars that graced the stage for thousands of screaming fans hours ago. The only attention we received was from a few girls shooting flirtatious glances. I couldn’t blame them; I was surrounded by some very attractive men. I felt like a queen as they flanked my sides and we walked through the stores. For once, I wasn’t getting the looks of pity I had grown so accustomed to from working at Aggie’s Diner.
We slipped inside a restaurant tucked between a clothing store and a cell phone shop. We all slid in, one by one, to a half circle–shaped booth in the far back corner.
“Feels like home, don’t it, Cass?” Eric spat out like he had a bad taste in his mouth.
“What the fuck?” Tucker pushed from his seat, but I grabbed his arm, keeping him from reaching across the table.
“This place is much nicer than the one I worked at.” I tried to keep my voice level.
A waitress was at our side ready to take our drink orders. She was beautiful with expertly placed gold highlights in her hair, and her makeup was flawless.
“Wanna upgrade, Tuck?” E laughed, and Tucker lurched over the table between them. The twins each grabbed one of them and pulled them apart.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Tucker’s voice echoed throughout the small space. Everyone’s eyes were on us. So much for keeping a low profile and eating in peace. I pushed against Tucker so he would slide out. I wanted out of there as quickly as possible. I was embarrassed and hurt. I managed to make it outside before the tears started to fall. Tucker was at my side, wrapping an arm around my waist.
“I can’t be the reason you guys fight,” I said, shaking my head.
“You’re not.”
“Then why is he being so awful? Is it . . . is it because I left you?” I stopped and turned toward Tucker. He wiped my tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“No, trust me. It has nothing to do with that. Eric is . . . complicated.”
I rolled my eyes at the understatement of the century. Tucker smirked, revealing his dimples.
“We’ve always had a hard relationship. He had a rough life before he joined the band, but other than that, he doesn’t say much. He thinks I am just some privileged kid.” Tucker laughed sardonically and looked back toward the restaurant.
“But you’re not. Have you talked to him about it?”
Tucker’s eyes locked back onto mine. His jaw clenched.
“A little, but it’s none of his business.” His tone was harsh and it made me lean back from him fractionally. “I’m sorry.” He ran a hand roughly through his hair as he blew out a deep breath. My heart went out to him
“I wish I knew more about your past, Tuck,” I said quietly, hoping he could feel the genuine concern behind my words as I stepped close enough to feel the heat from his body. He nodded once.
“Not now. . . . One day.” He leaned in so our bodies brushed against each other, his arms looping behind me and pushing against the small of my back to nudge me closer still. “Cass, don’t take this the wrong way, but I need to be sure you are not going to run from me again.”
His distrust stung, but I couldn’t blame him. I nodded, curling my body into his chest.
“Come on. Let’s go get something to eat by ourselves. The guys can manage one meal without killing each other.” Tucker laughed, coaxing a smile from me.
I nodded. “It would be nice to have some alone time.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek, pausing to take in the loving look in his eyes.
We walked around the mall until we found a small pizza joint. It was early for pizza, but that was one of the things I loved about Tucker. He lived outside of the box, and I loved that life with him was so carefree.
“Tuck, how did you fill your free time when . . . when we were apart?”
“I wrote songs . . . to make me feel closer to you.”
“Yeah, I heard.” I sighed, dropping my food on the paper plate. “I’m sorry, Tucker. For everything.”
“The songs you heard helped me get over the pain. The songs that reminded me of you, of the good times, I don’t play onstage. They are just for me.” I could feel his eyes on me. I slowly raised my gaze to meet his. “I’d like to play them for you.”
“I’d love that.” His hand slid across the table and over mine.
“Tucker, I don’t want to be the reason your band isn’t getting along.” I let my shoulders sag, wondering if there was any way I could make all of this right and still be with him. After the baby, I was actually surprised any of the band members talked to me at all. I remembered how Eric reacted when Tucker first told him last summer that I was pregnant, and I felt a stab of pain and hatred as if he’d just spat those cruel words at me again: “Make it un-happen.” I shook my head to erase the painful memory from my mind.
“You’re not causing any sort of rift, Cass, I promise you. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ll talk to the guys.” He squeezed my hand reassuringly. “You’re my number one priority. If I have to choose, it’s you every time, Cass.” He smiled, but my heart sank. I didn’t want him to have to choose, didn’t want to be that person. I wouldn’t let him destroy everything he had worked for just to be with me. We had sacrificed enough already.
“Maybe I should talk to them. One-on-one. If I can find out what is bothering them, maybe I can help put their minds at ease. Reassure them that I have no intention of coming between you guys.”
Tucker smiled at me, tracing over the bones in my hand with the pad of his finger.
“All right.” He picked up his slice and continued to eat. After watching him for a moment, I did the same. It felt good being here with him. It felt normal.
We left the eatery and walked around the mall, hand in hand. We stopped in a few shops and I got some clothing. Mostly jeans and a few tops and a pair of pajamas, since I would be in such close proximity to all of the guys. I had some money saved but not nearly enough to cover it all. Tucker insisted on paying since he was the reason I was even here with him. I didn’t want to be a charity case, but I had no other choice if I wanted to stay clothed. We finished our shopping excursion by buying a few toiletries.
We crossed the parking lot back to the bus, and I paused to take in the sight of it now that I had the benefit of daylight. It was black and massive like a double-decker bus, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the cars. The side had gold and brown swirls that trailed back the length of it. We stopped at the entrance as I looked it over.
“Pretty nice, huh? It’s used, but it still has a lot of life left in it.”
“It’s really great.” I smiled over at him. He was beaming from ear to ear.
“We’re gonna get a new one once we get signed.”
I gave him a quizzical look as I ran my fingers over the gold pattern.
“To a label. A big label.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him. I loved his drive, his ambition, his faith in Damaged.
“It will happen soon. I can feel it.”
He kissed the top of my head, hugging me back with his hands full of shopping bags.
“That’s the plan.”
The door to the bus opened and Eric stepped out, glaring at us as he lit a cigarette. He propped himself against the van.
“Spending up all of his money already?” Eric asked, staring straight ahead as he took a long drag from his cigarette.
“It’s not like that. I needed clothes.” I rolled my eyes as Tucker placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me to the stairs.
“If you say so,” E mumbled under his breath as Tucker and I stepped inside.
“Why is he like that? So angry all the time?” I followed Tucker to Dorris’s room. He placed my bags on her bed and began pulling out the contents. “And where the hell is Dorris?”
Tucker sighed, running his hands through his hair as he sank down onto the bed.
“She is still our manager, but she’s just . . . managing from afar right now. After having to deal with Lizzy for a few weeks, she began to distance herself from the band.” He paused. “And when she found out I was coming for you . . .” His voice trailed off, and he rested his head in his hands.
“She left because of me?” I could feel the bile rising in my throat.
“No. No. She left because this isn’t how she planned on spending her golden years.” He laughed sardonically and took my hand in his. We both fell back onto the pile of clothing. “I hope she changes her mind.”
I squeezed his hand empathetically. It must be tough to feel so close to your big break and yet suddenly abandoned by the person who was supposed to be your biggest advocate. Suddenly I felt even worse for leaving when I did.
“No, it’s okay. Dorris is finding us a new manager, and in the meantime, she is still taking care of us. Just from a distance.” His free hand trailed down my jaw, and he ran his thumb over my bottom lip. “Everything is fine.”
“Tuck, you wanna work on those songs?” Terry leaned against the door frame. Tucker sighed heavily as he stood from the bed. He held out his hand to help me up.
“Just give me a chance to change.” I stood, catching my balance before turning to the bags of clothing.
“Actually,” Tucker began, and I turned to face him, new shirt in hand. “We need to work on some of those other songs. It will be easier to concentrate if it’s just the guys.”
I scrunched my eyebrows together and dropped the shirt on the bed next to me. I didn’t know what part bothered me more. The fact that he would be working on songs about how much I had hurt him, or that he didn’t want me there while he did it.
“We need some new tracks to give to the producers.” His fingers slipped through his ruffled hair.
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll just hang out here.” I gave a small forced smile. He returned the smile and kissed me lightly on the forehead.
“I’ll be back soon.” He turned and left the room behind Terry. I sunk back down onto the bed and let myself collapse back onto the bags, pushing out a heavy breath.
I wondered how I was going to spend the next few hours. Suddenly, I felt alone . . . adrift. I realized that I needed to start earning my keep, contributing to the tour in some way if this was going to be my life—our life—for the foreseeable future. I decided to head out and get some groceries so at least the fridge would be stocked when the guys returned. If I couldn’t win Eric over with words, maybe I could break that wall down with food.
I got up and changed into a new pair of jeans and a baby blue tank top. I couldn’t get on board with the “pre-torn” style that seemed very much in vogue; I bought my pants perfectly intact, knowing full well I would wear them long enough for the holes to form naturally. I slipped my feet back into my sandals and tied my hair back into a messy ponytail, tucking back the stray stands behind my ears.
I sighed and made my way out of the bus and down the short flight of stairs. The weather was warm in the direct sun but not as overbearing as Georgia. I took in a deep breath and surveyed my surroundings. Directly across from the mall and across the highway was a local grocery store. Stepping inside the store, I grabbed the circular off the stand as I made my way to aisle one, eyeballing the coupons and trying to remember how much money remained in my bank account.