“Good fucking behavior. It doesn’t matter that she could’ve killed Nolan. That she could’ve taken my son from me. No, she’s been playing nice with the guards and doing a real good job cleaning toilets. Let’s let her out early. She fucking deserves it.”
I start pacing the room.
That night three years ago when I got the call from Rollins plays back in my mind. It stings like a fresh wound, pitting deep in my chest. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget how scared I was for Nolan and the unforgiving rage I felt for his mother, seeing her in the back of that squad car crying and begging for compassion, spouting her excuses to me, trying to justify shit. I didn’t want to hear her fucked up reasoning for driving drunk and high with my son in the car—blaming me. Saying I gave up on us.
She could’ve killed Nolan, and she wanted my understanding? My empathy?
Fuck her. I will never forgive that bitch. She thinks she paid for her mistakes? She thinks I owe her time with my son? I don’t owe her shit.
“What does this mean? You have full custody. Do you have to let her see him?”
I grip the base of my neck. “I don’t know. Technically, when one parent has full custody, the other has visitation. You work it out together. If you can’t, you go to court. That’s what happened when Nolan was born. Angie got full custody.”
What a fucking joke that was. She should’ve never had custody of Nolan. Never did anything with him. Never paid him any attention when he was in her care. She acted uninterested in being his mother half the time, and the other half she spent keeping my time with him as limited as possible.
“Yeah,” Mia whispers. “But this is different, Ben. She put Nolan in danger. How can they let her have any time with him?”
“Because she’s the mom. They could grant her visitation based solely on that. Maybe supervised. Maybe not. I don’t know, Mia. The only cases I know about where one parent doesn’t get any visitation with their kid at all is if there’s been a history of sexual or physical abuse. Something that extreme. I don’t know if Angie’s mistake would prevent her from getting to see Nolan. It fucking should, but if we go to court a judge could favor against me. I don’t want to risk that. There is no way in hell I’ll ever leave her alone with him. Court ordered or not, that cunt isn’t getting any privileges.”
She’s not taking my son from me. From Mia. I don’t care what I have to do. I won’t let that happen.
This is his home. His family. She doesn’t deserve to know him.
The boys scamper into the bedroom, chasing after each other and laughing.
It stops my pacing.
I look up at Mia and see the worry in her eyes, the tears building there and threatening to fall as she keeps her gaze lowered.
She doesn’t even react to the commotion in front of her.
Fuck. I’m making this all about me. I’m forgetting how much this affects her too.
Chase squeals, following a giggling Nolan out of the room and back down the hallway. Their laughter fades. I watch as Mia turns and picks my phone up off the bed and walks it over. She presses it into my hand.
“Mia.”
“You need to call her,” she says quietly, blinking and sending a tear down her face. “You have to, Ben. Work this out somehow. I’m afraid if you don’t she’ll just stop over here. I don’t want her confusing Nolan like that. It’s not fair to him.”
I grit my teeth.
I know Mia’s right. Angie can and will stop over here if I don’t deal with this. She’ll eventually stop calling and seek me out another way. I need to handle this shit now, but my only real concern at the moment is standing right in front of me.
I lift Mia’s chin, forcing her to look at me.
“What are you thinking, Angel? Talk to me.”
She shakes her head slightly. Her breath bursts against my wrist.
“They’re selfish.”
“What are?”
“My thoughts. What I’m thinking. What if Nolan chooses her over me? What if he wants her to be his mommy again? I know he has that right. Angie’s always had that claim to Nolan, but he’s my son, Ben.” Her chin wobbles. Another tear wets her cheek. “He’s my son.”
Her soft voice breaks, and it kills me. Seeing this woman, my salvation and the best thing to happen to Nolan worry that she’ll lose him to someone who doesn’t deserve any right to him. It fucking kills me.
I hold her cheek. “You are more of a mother to Nolan than she ever was. Everyone sees that. Nolan sees it. He would never choose her over you.”
“You don’t know that,” she softly replies, pulling back out of my grip and moving away.
“Baby.”
She looks at the phone in my hand while wiping at her face, trying to compose herself as fresh tears brim her eyes. “Call her. Set something up and take Nolan over there.”
I move toward her. “We’ll do it together.”
“No.” She shakes her head, halting me.
My eyes go wide.
No?
“I don’t think I can,” she says, holding my gaze but looking like she’s struggling to give me this honesty. Looking like she’s scared to acknowledge it.
Mia isn’t the type of person to put her needs before anyone else’s. She’s always thinking about me and the boys first, herself last. I know this is killing her. She doesn’t want to recognize her fear, but she is, and she’s looking like she hates herself for feeling it.