These were the eyes staring back at me all those months ago. When I walked outside and overheard him saying he couldn’t live without me, that he wouldn’t, and he glanced up, pinning me to the ground where I stood ready to collapse.
It broke my heart then. It’s breaking it now.
I slowly sit up. Tears bead on my lashes. A jarring pain pits in the center of my chest. A pain so agonizing I begin to feel it everywhere.
In my bones. Spreading in my veins. I feel sick and blistering angry with myself.
God, Mia. Look what you did.
My reaction is justified. Earned. This is on me. I’ve been the one evading, making Ben come to his own conclusions because I’ve been too chicken shit to talk about things. Because I wasn’t ready.
Because I was afraid.
“No, I do,” I whisper my answer, gripping the sides of the tub and pulling my weight, sliding along the bottom to get closer.
I need him closer.
“I do want more kids. I want so many kids with you. That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” He guides me into his lap, stroking my cheek with his knuckles as his eyes search my face. “What, Mia?”
“I just don’t want you to go crazy.”
Ben leans back a bit. He looks baffled. “What? Why would I go crazy?”
“Because we’ll never be able to have sex!”
His eyes go round, hold my gaze for several anxious seconds, then close completely as he drops his head back, a deep, rumbling laugh erupting in his chest. One so thick and rich it tickles my belly as I stay pinned against him.
Why is his sanity amusing? I’m completely lost here.
“Jesus Christ, baby.” Ben grabs my face with both hands and kisses me.
Hard.
Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s his stellar mouth, but I actually sway a little when he pulls back.
Whoa.
“I really thought you had some terrible shit to tell me. Like health related. It was stressing me the fuck out. I knew you were avoiding me. Figured it had to be something awful keeping you quiet. Fuck.” He kisses me again. “I should bend you over right here and spank the shit out of you for that.”
Now my eyes are the ones going round.
I squirm in his arms, flattening my hands against his chest and pushing when he tries to position me over the side of the tub.
“Wait a second!”
“What?” he growls, leaning in and licking my neck.
A shiver crawls up my spine. My legs fall open.
Shit. Stupid body betraying me.
Focus, Mia!
Locking my arms, I grip Ben’s shoulders and force him to look at me.
He must see the seriousness in my eyes, the plea there for conversation, because he leans back, surrendering to this, to me, lifting his elbows out of the water and resting them on the edge of the tub.
He looks approachable. Ready to talk.
I dive right in. I can’t afford to waste any time. He isn’t the only one looking forward to that spanking.
“You will go crazy, Ben. You will. We’re already struggling to find alone time together, and it’s just Nolan and Chase. Do you really think adding more kids to the equation will work in our favor? You know how demanding babies can be. We’ll never see each other. Our sex life will consist of both of us getting off on our own time. And knowing our luck, you’ll probably get switched back to night shift again. I mean, don’t get me wrong, phone sex with you is amazing and everything, but you can’t live off that. No fucking way. Not unless you’re ready to start jacking off at work.”
He smiles roguishly.
I sit up a little straighter, letting my hands drop into the water. “Oh, my God. Are you already doing that?”
Seriously? And I’m not getting video messages? Not cool.
The compliant Ben, the one yielding to me slips away, evaporating into the air around us. Possessive, demanding Ben reaches out, wrapping his thick arms around my waist and turning me in his lap, pinning my back to his front, his legs sealing mine together as he encases himself around me.
I go without a fight. Truth is, I’m just happy he isn’t looking hopeless anymore. I never want to see Ben look like that again.
“What did I say to you at Luke’s before we left?” he asks, his mouth moving close to my ear as his chin rests on my shoulder.
I shake my head, pulling my knees in. “I don’t know.”
“I told you I would do anything, Mia. Anything. That will never change no matter how many kids we have. If I have to work extra shifts so I can sneak you away once a month just so we can have some time together, I’ll fucking do it. Or if you want to start meeting me at that spot and letting me take you in the back of my squad car, baby, just say the fucking words. I’ll set it up and make sure no one comes within twenty miles of us. We won’t be getting interrupted again.”
“But, night shift? Ben, it nearly killed us.”
“Nearly killed us?” He grabs my chin and turns my head, forcing me to look at him. “Christ, did I bitch that much about it? I mean, yeah, it was a hard two months, with unbelievable timing on account of the boys, but it could’ve been two years, Mia. I’ll put up with anything if it keeps me coming home to you. Big fucking picture, Angel. You know? You’re what I’m living for. Our family. Let them put me on night shift again. I don’t care. I told you, I don’t need sleep. If we have a second to be together, I’m fucking taking it. You get the boys down and you want me? You come wake my ass up. Ain’t nothing killing us, baby. Ever. Don’t ever think that.”
He brushes a tear from my cheek, sweetly cradling my face in his hand. “I know I’m crazy when it comes to you. I know how I get when I’ve gone days, or shit, fucking hours without feeling you against me. I can’t help it. You’re in my blood, Mia. You always were . . . even before.”
I gasp, sending more tears down my face.
Even before.
“Sharing Nolan with you means everything to me. And you giving me Chase, seeing a little piece of you in this life we created together, there is nothing like that, baby. Yeah, kids are demanding, and it’ll probably be hectic as shit with more of them running around the house, but we’ll figure it out. And if you need help or a break, if you need me, you’ll get it. Anything, Mia.”
“You really want more diapers and middle of the night feedings? You’re okay with that?”
Ben smiles, pushing my wet hair off my forehead. “Yeah. I’m okay with that. This might sound really fucking corny, but I kind of feel like I’m making the world better by giving it more of you.” He shrugs, looking down. “I know it makes me better.”
Oh, my God. This man. My heart will never hold all of my love for him.
I turn my body so fast water sloshes out of the tub and onto the floor.
My hands wrap around Ben’s neck, his snake around my waist and move lower, cupping my ass and pinning me against his rapidly growing erection, which he so sweetly grinds against my clit.
Such a gentleman. He’s going to get laid so hard.
We both groan the second our mouths collide, teeth crashing together and tongues desperate for dominance. It’s sloppy and chaotic and real. Our passion. Our fire. How we seem to be clutching and clutching at each other as if we’re both too afraid to let go.