“I’m sorry. Ben, I’m so sorry. But you gave up on us.” Her tears come harder. “You gave up!”
I lunge forward and fill my lungs to the max. “There is no us! And I don’t give a shit if you’re sorry! You could’ve killed him! You could’ve killed my son!” She is delusional if she thinks any amount of apologizing is going to help. And the fact that she thinks it will help only enrages me further. “You’re a f**king piece of shit!”
“Ben, that’s enough,” Luke strains in my ear. He has the main hold on me and I am now a good fifteen feet away from the cop car. I see Tessa’s wide eyes and realize I need to calm down. I can’t be like this when I get back to the truck. I’ve said all I wanted to say to Angie and I don’t want to see her face again.
“Alright. I’m fine.” I shrug him off me and walk over to Rollins who is watching the scene.
“Can’t say I blame you for that outburst. I would’ve reacted the same way.”
“What are my chances of getting sole custody of my kid now?” I ask him. Rollins’ wife is an attorney that we work with frequently, and he in turn knows more about the system than I do. He also has an ex-wife that took him to court years ago over a custody battle.
He puts a hand on my shoulder and applies mild pressure. “Pretty damn good, man. Especially if the test results come back with more than just alcohol in her system. That on top of the class E felony she’s getting charged with should give you full custody.” I knew under law she was facing up to four years of jail time for having a minor in the car with her. And I figured I’ll have a damn good chance of getting full custody of Nolan. But I wanted to hear it out loud. I needed to hear those words. I wanted certainty.
I nod at Rollins, thanking him before walking back toward Luke and Tessa. She is watching me while he is watching her. And by the look on both their faces, they still aren’t talking. “I’m going to stay at Mom and Dad’s tonight with Nolan. Did you drive here or did Mia?”
“I did. I’ll meet you at home.” She turns on her heel without giving Luke a glance.
“Tessa, come on. Will you at least talk to me for a minute?” Luke calls out. She hears him but she doesn’t respond, not even with a look over her shoulder. He runs his hands down his face and lets out a grunt behind them. “I’ll see you tomorrow, man. I’m glad Nolan’s okay.” He walks away looking defeated which is not a look he wears often. Especially pertaining to women. I feel bad for the guy.
I talk to some other officers before finally walking to the truck. Mia is holding Nolan against her chest in the front seat, both of them asleep. I open her door and pry him out of her hands so that I can put him in his car seat. She stirs at the loss of his weight on her.
“Hey.” She places her hand on my cheek after I settle into the driver’s seat. “Are you okay?”
I turn my face into her palm and kiss it. “I am now.”
She doesn’t ask me any questions on the drive back to my parents’ house. It’s as if she knows I need the silence right now. My brain is working out the possible scenarios that could’ve transpired tonight. All of them involving Nolan injured somehow. My grip keeps tightening on the wheel and every time it does, Mia tightens her hold on my hand. She keeps her other hand on the back of my neck, massaging it gently and relieving the tension that is beginning to permanently set in. When we get to the house, I carry Nolan inside and lay him down in the middle of the bed he sleeps in when he spends the night here. I can’t leave him. Not yet. So I sit on the edge of his bed and watch his chest rise and fall.
I could’ve lost him.
I’d never be able to watch him sleep again. I’d never hear his husky voice ringing throughout the house or see him slaying invisible dragons. I’d have three years of memories to live off of for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. He is my world, and now because of his mother’s reckless decision, he’s all mine. I’ll never have to miss another moment with him. I’ll never have to beg to see my son on days that aren’t technically mine. And I feel like a complete shit for feeling slightly grateful for the events that unfolded tonight.
What the f**k is wrong with me?
I have no idea how long I sit there but when I eventually get up and turn around, Mia is leaning against the doorframe. I walk over to her and she wraps her arms around my waist, pressing her face to my chest.
“You know if you want to talk about it, I’m here.” She turns her face up and I kiss her forehead.
“I’m glad it happened. How f**ked up is that?”
Her hands grab my face. “You’re not glad it happened. You’d never want Nolan to be in any sort of danger. The fact that you’ll probably never have to split your time with him again because of Angie’s poor judgment is a small silver lining. But Nolan’s well-being is the only real thing that matters to you. You’d give up all your time with him if it meant keeping him safe. I know you would.”
I love you.
The words burn the back of my throat, aching to be released. I have no idea how long getting Nolan’s custody arrangement sorted out will take. And I can’t take him to Georgia until that happens. The legal system takes its f**king time when you want it to hurry the hell up. And Mia may have to leave me before I can take him out of the state. Plus I’ll need to get a job lined up out there. It could be weeks, months before I’m with her again. And I won’t make this harder on her. So I swallow those same three words again, not letting them out. Not yet.