And some little tickle of instinct somewhere told me that he had been lying to me.
I had to talk to him. I had to find out.
"George," I said, interrupting him again. "I need to speak to James. Will you ask him to call me? It's important."
"Yes," he said, "will do. He should be back in about half an hour."
"Thanks," I said. "Bye now."
And I hung up.
I sat trying to make sense of what George had inadvertently told me. So James had always loved me. And James felt threatened by my being, well...me, I suppose, for want of a better description.
Is that why he needed to have an affair with another
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woman? And why did he have to tell me that it was all my fault? And why did he have to tell me that I'd have to change totally if our marriage was to have a future?
I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. But I did know one thing. Something was.
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thirty-three
Just to make sure, I called Judy.
"Claire!" she answered, sounding delighted. "Are you back?"
"No, Judy, not yet," I said miserably.
Before she could say anything I went on talking.
"Look, Judy," I blurted out, "I need to talk to you about something."
"Talk away," she said. "Are you okay? You sound a bit agitated."
"I am, Judy," I said. "I'm agitated and confused and I don't know what's going on."
"What do you mean?" she asked gently.
"Well, you know that James and I have made up," I started.
"Yes," she said.
"Well, did you know that it was my fault that James had the affair?"
"What on earth are you talking about?" she said, sounding horrified.
"He told me that it was all my fault. That I was immature and selfish and demanding and inconsiderate and that he'd only take me back if I changed radically."
"He's talking about him taking you back?" said Judy in disbelief. "Claire, Claire, slow down a minute. There's something very wrong here."
Well, if Judy thought there was something wrong then I wasn't imagining it.
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But I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not.
"Now, Claire, can we start again please?" she asked. "James said that he was forced to have an affair because you were so difficult to live with. Have I got that right?"
"Yes," I said, feeling distressed. I admit that it sounded very spurious the way that Judy said it. James made it sound a lot more reasonable, somehow.
"And now he's saying that he'll take you back if you change?" she contin- ued. "What way does he want you to change?"
"Oh, you know," I mumbled. "He wants me to be less of a party-giver. And less of a party-goer. Quieter. More considerate."
"Oh, I see," she said hotly. "He wants you to be a boring fucker like him, is that right? Or else he wants you where he can keep his killjoy little eye on you. What a shit!"
She paused. And then another thought struck her.
"And what kind of idiot are you? You mean to tell me that you believed this crap! Can't you see that it's the oldest trick in the book?"
"In what way?" I asked. Not wanting to hear.
"He has an affair. He realizes what a huge mistake he's made. He wants you back because he really loves you--any fool can see that--but he's afraid that you'll tell him to take a hike. So he makes out that it was all your fault so you feel guilty and then you feel grateful because, even though you were an awful person, he still wants you.
"And anyway," she said, drawing breath and launching into another furious speech, "I happen to know for a fact that he's lying."
"Oh?" I said. It was about all I could manage.
"Yes," she said. "Michael told me."
Michael being Judy's boyfriend. Michael being James's friend.
"About a month ago Michael went out with James for a couple of pints, well, more like a couple of dozen pints, but anyway...and James got plastered and wouldn't stop talking about you. Michael says that James is bonkers about you. That he always was. And that he was always much more in love
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with you than you were with him. And always thought that he was going to lose you. And he couldn't handle it. So with the pressure of the baby and all that he decided to throw in the towel. And took off with Denise, who, let's face it, couldn't believe her luck to land a catch like James."
"I see," I said evenly. "That's interesting, because George told me something very similar today."
"I can't believe you needed to hear this from George or me. Didn't you know that James was crazy about you? And totally insecure about you?"
Judy was obviously disgusted with me.
"And he's being so manipulative," she fumed. "Taking advantage of the situation just so he can get you under his thumb. Telling you it's your fault that he left you, and that if you're not the way he wants you to be, he'll leave you again. Typical!"
"Judy," I said, "I need you to be calm for a moment. This is very import- ant."
"Oh, er, right," she said, sounding slightly embarrassed. "Look, when I said that he was a boring fucker I didn't mean..."
"It's okay, Judy," I said kindly. "I know you did, but it doesn't matter."
"You know how it is," she went on. "The heat of the moment and all that."
"Judy," I said. "For Christ's sake! Forget it! I need to get this straight in my head."
"Sorry, sorry," she said. "Go ahead."
"James had an affair, but he said it was my fault. Right?" I asked Judy.
"So you say," she agreed.
"He should have apologized to me, but wouldn't. Right?"
"Um, right," said Judy.
"He has convinced everyone that he loves me. Except me. Right?"
"Right."
"He has hurt me, humiliated me, confused me, compromised me, lied to me, undermined me, made me apologize for being me. Right?"
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"Right."
"And he won't apologize to me or comfort me. Right?"
"Right."
"I don't need a man like that. Right?"