"Jesus," muttered Helen, giving Anna a "you're so pathetic" look.
Adam and Anna continued to murmur to each other.
Then Helen turned her attention to me.
"Get off that," she ordered, trying to push me off the chair. "I've just taken an exam. I need to lie down."
"That's fine," I said, getting up. "I was just going anyway."
It was important for me to let her know that she hadn't forced me into relinquishing my chair. That I was doing it of my own accord.
Power games.
I was so childish.
"Yes," said Anna hastily, her face like a tomato. "I'm going too."
"Why, where are you going?" demanded Helen.
"Inside," I said.
"Oh great," she said. She was really pissed off. "I've just taken an awful exam and I've got to learn the entire anthropology course this evening and you won't even stay for five minutes to chat and help me unwind."
"But Kate's too hot," I said.
"Go on then," she said gloomily. "Go."
She looked at Adam. "We'll start in ten minutes, okay?"
"Okay," he agreed.
"What'll we do first?" she asked.
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"What do you want to do?" he replied.
Correct answer. He obviously had a good idea of how to treat Helen.
"I suppose we could do dysfunctional families," said Helen. "Seeing as you know so much about that."
She laughed nastily.
"Helen," said Anna in a shocked voice.
"What?" said Helen, all belligerent. "It's only a joke. Anyway, he does. Don't you?" she demanded of Adam.
"I suppose I do," he said politely.
That was enough. I was going. I picked up Kate and walked across the lawn (lawn! what a joke!) with her. The couple of yards felt like miles and miles. All I could think about was Adam's eyes homing in on my highly unattractive ass in the awful shorts.
I finally reached the safety of the kitchen.
I realized that I had left my magazine in the garden. Well, it could stay there! You wouldn't catch me going anywhere near Adam of my own vo- lition.
Oh dear!
I was very upset. Because, over the past few weeks, I had begun to suspect that maybe Adam hadn't been that attractive at all. That in my recently deserted state, my judgment had been impaired. Perhaps I had been so grateful for the attention from him that I had managed to convince myself that he was gorgeous.
But no. It wasn't true. The bastard was gorgeous. I hadn't imagined it. I hadn't been deluded.
And he looked even nicer with a tan. And his arms were so big and muscley in that T-shirt.
Jesus! It was too much to bear, what with my being celibate for close to five months, not counting that one night with Adam.
Actually, it was a lot longer than that, because James wouldn't touch me with a stick in the last four or five months of my pregnancy.
Anyway, what was Adam's problem? Why was he all cold and unfriendly to me? Surely that was a bit unnecessary? Was he afraid that I was going to attempt to jump on his bones?
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That I wouldn't be able to restrain myself? Did he feel that he had to keep me at bay?
Well, he needn't worry, I thought. He was safe. I wouldn't attempt to come between him and his girlfriend. I wasn't as stupid as I used to be. I recognized a no-win situation when I was looking it in the face.
"Isn't it weird?" I thought as I carried Kate upstairs. "The last time I saw Adam I had just gotten out of his bed. We had been as intimate as two human beings could possibly be. And now we're acting like polite strangers."
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thirty-nine
Kate was a lot happier inside. All smiles and gurgles and kicks when I put her into her crib. I held her hot little feet and cycled her legs--she loved that. Well, at least I hoped she loved it, because I enjoyed it im- mensely--when I heard the knock on my bedroom door.
What was going on? No one knocked in our house.
The door opened and Adam loomed into the room. Everything instantly looked much smaller, like a doll's house.
"Oh Lord," I thought, going into shock and abruptly abandoning Kate's little legs. "What does he want?"
Maybe he wasn't able to believe how awful my shorts were and was coming for a second look.
"Claire," he said sheepishly, "can I talk to you for a moment?"
He stood there, so big, so beautiful, an anxious look on his handsome face.
I looked at him and something happened inside me (no! not that!), something wonderful.
My heart lifted and a surge of gladness rushed through me, so strong it nearly knocked me over. I was suddenly filled with hope and gladness and happiness. That elation when you thought all was lost and then you realized that everything was going to be fine.
You know the one I'm talking about. The one that only happens once or twice in a lifetime.
"Yes," I said, "of course."
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He came over and shook Kate's foot and then sat down beside me on the bed. The mattress nearly hit the floor, but never mind that.
"Claire," he said, looking at me beseechingly with his blue, blue eyes, "I'd like to explain about my girlfriend and my baby."
"Oh yes?" I asked, trying to sound brisk and businesslike. As if he wasn't having a very unsettling effect on me.
His bigness and nearness were a bit overwhelming. As I said before, the first thing I had ever noticed about him was his manliness. And now it was as if he had doused the bed with testosterone. Or as if he'd walked around the room with one of those incense dispenser things that the priests wave around at Benediction, except, instead of incense, his dispenser thing was filled with Essence of Man.
I couldn't help it if I thought about having sex with him. I was only hu- man. If you prick me do I not bleed? If you stick a gorgeous man under my nose, do I not want to rip the clothes off him?
I mean, I don't make the rules.
It was imperative that I got myself under control. Adam was not here to offer me his body. He was here, well, at least I hoped he was here, so we could untangle whatever was happening in our lives when we met each other. Then maybe we could be friends.
I realized that I'd really, really like to be friends with him. He was so interesting and entertaining and sweet. He was a lovely person to be around. Special, you know. Whoever this girlfriend of his was, she was one lucky woman.