“You totally just set him up.” Mia shook her head. “I’ve heard you talk about those kids before.”
Leaning back in her chair, Gwen couldn’t stop the evil laughter that escaped her throat. “Ladies, it’s time to separate the men from the boys before I go any further. If he makes it an hour tonight, then I’ll know that he’s got more staying power than my last three boyfriends combined.”
“And if he doesn’t?” Crystal asked, playing devil’s advocate.
“I’ll just use him for sex, without relationship potential.” Gwen rubbed her hands together, suddenly looking forward to babysitting more than she ever had before. Come on, Maddy and Megan, don’t let me down now.
* * *
“Do you have a penis?” asked the little blond-haired cherub standing in front of him. Dominic couldn’t remember if this was Maddy or Megan, and he wasn’t sure it mattered at this point.
“How about another piece of pizza?” He attempted to derail her train of thought without answering her question.
“I got a gina,” she continued, completely ignoring his food offer.
The older of the two put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. “It’s a V A G I N A,” she carefully enunciated. He almost sagged in relief when Gwen walked into the room, shook her head at the conversation she had obviously overheard and then did the unthinkable—she turned and walked away, leaving him in hell. The older girl continued in a scary, matter-of-fact voice, “A penis is like a stick and a vagina is a hole. You gotta be careful so nothing falls in there, you know.” Fucking shit, how could Gwen have left him? He wasn’t supposed to be having a conversation like this.
“Who wants to watch a movie? I think Frozen is on. I bet you love that movie.” The remote shook in his hand, and he tried desperately to find the correct channel.
One of the little fountains of horrifying information blurted out, “Jimmy Miller told me that I have cooties and boobies.” The remote fell from his nerveless fingers and clattered to the floor. He looked helplessly away, not knowing what to say when the younger rammed her finger almost to the knuckle in her nostril before pulling it back out and sticking it in her mouth.
Dominic felt his stomach rolling as the little girl made sucking noises. “Um . . . do you need a tissue?” he asked.
The older one shook her head. “She eats her boogers all the time. I told her she should just wipe them on her shirt like I do.”
“Yeah, ’cause that’s much better,” Dominic said to himself.
“Do boys wipe their pee?” the older one asked as she pointed to a spot near her sister on the floor.
He was getting ready to run for the door when the little one walked up to him and tugged on his hand. “I had an accident. I forgot that I had to pee pee.” He looked down to see a puddle that seemed to be following her. Dear Lord, how many gallons had she been holding in her small body?
“Pee comes from your hole,” the older one said nonchalantly as she picked up a slice of pizza and stuffed half of it into her mouth. “How do babies get in your stomach?” she managed to ask between bites. Right in the middle of eating another piece of pizza, she suddenly tossed it aside and stood, waving frantically. “I . . . ate . . . too fast. My flux is coming!”
“Your what?” Dominic shouted in alarm as he jumped to his feet. He was afraid she was choking, and he started doing what his mom had always done for them. He held one of her hands in the air, for what he had no idea, and began patting her between her shoulder blades. In retrospect, not the best move for someone with reflux because she spewed like a fountain not thirty seconds later. “Son of a . . .” He stopped himself before he could release the last word as he looked upon the scene before him. There was puke all over her and everything in the nearby vicinity as well as what looked like an even bigger puddle of urine covering the floor under the little one. The puker—who he now knew was Megan, thanks to her sister Maddy screaming her name when she got vomit on her—looked right as rain despite the chunks clinging to her clothing.
He was stunned when Megan turned to the nearby pizza box and resumed eating as if nothing had happened. “My uncle Mason has a boyfriend. Did you know that boys could have boyfriends?”
He was trying to process Megan’s statement when Maddy added another level of alarm as she started dancing in place. “I’ve got to poop.”
“Gwen!” he shouted in desperation. She came skipping into the room with a smirk on her face that disappeared as soon as she looked around.
“Wh-what happened?” she croaked out, wrinkling her nose at the foul smell.
“Maddy had an accident,” he answered, indicating the nearby puddle, “Megan ate too fast and triggered her reflux”—he pointed to vomit and then pointed back to Maddy—“and she’s got to poop, stat!” Gwen took Maddy’s hand and rushed her down the hallway. He looked over at Megan, who was munching away and shook his head in resignation. He went to the kitchen for a roll of paper towels and a bottle of cleaner. He grabbed the trash can on his way back to the living room and then dropped to his knees and got to work. He’d seen some nasty shit in the military, but this was right there at the top of the list.
When Gwen returned from the other room with a freshly changed and hopefully bathed Maddy, Dominic had just finished mopping the floor and wiping down Megan as best he could. She smelled so bad that he’d even considered spraying her with the 409 cleaner and hoping that it helped. In the end, he did his best with damage control until Gwen could change her clothes. “You cleaned up,” she said, looking at the once again tidy room.