"Jacky, I think you may be right,” Kat said, plopping down next to her on the altar step. “You know, we were just talking about The Iliadat Susie’s house. Clearly our tragic deaths have happened and we’ve been thrown into some kind of literary hell. The next thing you know we’ll be sucked into a fucking Thomas Hardy book.”
“Thomas Hardy? My god! The pain!” Jacky fanned herself furiously.
“Shit, I’m sorry I got you into this. Shtuping the TU quarterback definitely wasn’t worth it.”
“Well, I knew having a white best friend would cause me some shit eventually.” Jacky held her very slender, very white arm out despondently. “I just didn’t know it would be this bad.”
“Again I would like to ask, what is so terrible about being white?” Athena said.
“Nothing, if you are white,” Jacky said. “But I’m not.” She sighed. “Or at least I wasn’t before I went to hell.”
“By Zeus’s beard they are exceedingly stubborn,” Athena said to Venus. “You didn’t tell us about that.”
“I told you they’re different than ancient mortals. This is just part of it.”
“Hello! Right here—in hell—with you,” Kat said. Then she turned to Jacky. “I wonder what they did to get sent to hell?”
“They’re gorgeous. Women that gorgeous are always pissing someone off,” Jacky said.
“Oh, yeah, you’re right. Forgot about that.”
“Are they saying that we’ve angered people? We’re goddesses. We don’t anger people; they anger us,” Athena said. She gave Venus a severe look. “Tell them.”
“Uh, we can hear you,” Jacky said.
“Jacqueline! Katrina! You are not in hell. Stop this nonsense at once. And ending the Trojan War won’t be that difficult. We already have a plan of action figured out for you,” Venus said.
“Hey, aren’t these the three goddesses who caused the whole Helen/Paris thing?” Jacky said. “You know, the wedding, the apple, the giving already-married Helen to Paris and whatnot.”
“Huh. I think you’re right,” Kat said.
“Do you see how long that ridiculous rumor has lasted?” Venus told Hera. Then she turned back to the two mortals. “That is exactly why we’ve had enough of the Trojan War. We”—she gestured at Athena and Hera—“did not start this war, and we’re sick and tired of being blamed for it.”
“So typical for that wretched Agamemnon to blame others,” Hera muttered.
“What Venus, Hera and I have decided is that this war has gone on far too long. We want it stopped. Now,” Athena said.
“And why do ya think Kat and I could help you with that?” Jacky asked.
“Yeah, sounds like you need to zap some scientists here so they could whip up a lovely weapon or two of mass destruction—”
“As if those can actually ever be found,” Jacky input.
“As if,” Kat agreed. “But if you’re thinking we can do something like that you’ve definitely got us mixed up with someone else.”
“Hey, and bringing modern weapons to the ancient world sounds like it’d be messin’ with the Prime Directive or somethin’,” Jacky said.
“God, you are such a dork,” Kat said. “This is hell, not Star Trek. Although the two do have some odd similarities.”
“See, it’s blasphemy like that that got you in this situation.”
“Achilles!” Venus blurted. Both mortals turned questioning looks on her. “Achilles is the key to the war going on and on. If he and his Myrmidons withdraw from the battlefield the Greeks won’t be able to sustain the siege of Troy. They’ll lose heart and go home where they belong.”
“Again, not understanding what this has to do with us,” Kat said.
“Actually, it has to do with you, Katrina,” Hera said, though she gave Jacky an apologetic look. “Your friend is here because Venus didn’t think the two of you would want to be separated.”
“I told you so!” Jacky said.
“Shit,” Kat said. “I need a drink.”
“Excellent idea.” Venus looked around the chamber until she spied Eleithyia where she was sitting wide-eyed in a dark alcove. “Darling, would you get us all some wine. It is a rather long story.” The little priestess darted from the room and Venus drew a deep breath. “Now, let me explain everything to you…”
"No way is that plan gonna work,” Jacky said.
“Of course it will work,” Venus said.
“Come on, get serious. Who ever heard of a therapist saving the world? That didn’t even happen in Buffy,” Jacky said.
“What is a buffy?” Athena asked.
“I’m starting to believe this might not be hell,” Kat said. “You know they know who Buffy is in hell.”
“You have a point,” Jacky said. “By the by, may I just mention that your Buffy comment is every bit as dorky as my love for Star Trek.”
“No, you up dork me because you’re into both of them.”
“I wasn’t until Spike got all delicious with that nasty sex. God, I’d really like to make him pop like a champagne cork,” Jacky said.
“What is a buffy?” Athena asked Venus again.
Venus shrugged. “You can’t expect me to know everything about modern mortals.” The goddess took a long, fortifying drink of wine before continuing. “Kat, will you help us with our plan?”
Katrina chewed her bottom lip. “Basically you want me to do a super-duper counseling session with Achilles to help him control his rage while I keep him from fighting.”
“Sounds like they want you to do a super-duper shtuping session with him, too,” Jacky said.
Venus ignored her. “As I explained, Thetis, the mother of Achilles, has already put into motion his withdrawal from the battlefield.”
“Because his woman, uh Briseis, was taken away from him. And you want me to take her place.”
“Yes,” Venus said.
“Whose place am I taking?” Jacky asked.
“No one’s, darling,” Venus said. “You are simply Polyxena’s maidservant.”
“Oh, Jesus fucking everlasting god. I almost forgot. Where is that little wine girl? I definitely need a refill.”
Eleithyia hurried to top off Jacky’s goblet.
“Answer me this, Goddess of Love,” Kat said while Jacky drank. “Achilles’ woman just got taken away from him. If that pissed him off enough that he was willing to stop fighting why in the world would you believe that he’d be interested in moving on to another woman? I mean, it sounds like he had a thing for the old one.”
“It wasn’t a love relationship,” Venus said. “Achilles’ pride was hurt by Briseis being taken, not his heart.”
“How can you be so sure?” Jacky asked.
“Agamemnon told me that Briseis’s beauty was wasted on Achilles,” Hera said.
“Great. Kat, he’s gay,” Jacky said.