Mimi, on the other hand, was particular, but not with a specific look. She went for overall size. She liked her men big, huge, tall, and strong. She loved when they had to pick her up to kiss her, or stand her on a stool so they didn’t get neck cramps. She liked her men a little on the sarcastic side and hated condescending. Because she was small, she had a tendency to draw types that wanted to “protect.” But girlfriend had been taking karate since she was a kid, and she needed no one’s protection. She was a badass in a retro skirt.
I was harder to pin down, but I knew him when I saw him. Like the Supreme Court and pornography, I was aware. I did have a tendency toward outdoorsy guys—lifeguards, scuba divers, rock climbers. I liked them clean cut, but a little shaggy, gentlemanly with a touch of bad boy, and making enough money that I didn’t have to play mommy. I’d spent a summer with a hotter-than-hell surfer who couldn’t afford his own peanut butter. Even Micah’s round-the-clock orgasms couldn’t save him when I found out he’d been using my AmEx to pay for his sex wax. And his cell phone bill. And his trip to Fiji that I wasn’t even invited on. To the curb, surfer boy. To the curb.
I might have taken one more for the road before he left though. Ahh, the days before O’s departure. Round-the-clock orgasms. Sigh.
“So, wait a minute, have you seen him since the hallway encounter?” Sophia asked after we’d ordered and I’d come back from my surfer memories.
“No,” I groaned.
Mimi patted my arm soothingly. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“Dammit—yes! Too cute for his own good. He’s such an asshole!” I slammed my hand down on the table so hard I made the silverware bounce. Sophia and Mimi exchanged a glance, and I showed them my middle finger.
“And then that morning, he’s in the hallway with Purina, kissing on her! It’s like some sick, twisted orgasm town going over there, and I want no part of it!” I said, chewing furiously on my lettuce after telling them the story for the third time.
“I can’t believe Jillian didn’t warn you about this guy,” Sophia mused, pushing her croutons around on her plate. She was on a no-bread thing again, terrified of the five pounds she claimed she’d put on in the last year. She was full of it, but there was no arguing with Sophia when she set her mind to something.
“No, no, she says she doesn’t know this guy,” I reported. “He must’ve moved in since the last time she was there. I mean, she hardly ever stayed in that place. They just kept it so they always had a place to stay in the city. According to the neighbors, he’s only been in the building a year or so. And he travels all the time.” As I spoke, I realized I’d compiled quite a dossier on this guy.
“So has he been wall banging at all this week?” Sophia asked.
“Relatively quiet, actually. Either he really listened to me and is being neighborly, or his dick finally broke off in one of them and he’s sought medical attention,” I said, a little too loudly. The table of businessmen must’ve been listening pretty closely as they all choked a little just then and shifted in their seats, perhaps crossing their legs in unwitting sympathy. We giggled and continued our lunch.
“Speaking of Jillian, you guys are invited out to the house in Sausalito next weekend for their housewarming party,” I informed them.
They both immediately fanned themselves. Benjamin was the one guy we all agreed on. Whenever we’d plied Jillian with enough liquor, we’d confess our crush to her and make her tell us stories about him. If we were lucky and had managed to get an extra martini into her…well, let’s just say it was nice to know sex continued to be worth doing even after your man was well into his forties. The one about Benjamin and the Tonga Room at the Fairmont Hotel? Wow. She was a lucky woman.
“That’ll be cool. Why don’t we come over and get ready at your place, like the old days?” Mimi squealed as Sophia and I plugged our ears.
“Yes, yes, that’s fine, but no more squealing or we’ll leave your ass with the bill,” Sophia scolded as Mimi settled back into her seat, eyes sparkling.
After lunch, Mimi walked toward her next appointment around the corner, and Sophia and I shared a cab.
“So, naughty dreams about your neighbor. Let’s hear it,” she began, to the great delight of the cab driver.
“Eyes on the road, sir,” I instructed as I caught him looking at us in the rear view mirror.
I let my thoughts drift to the dreams, which had come every night for the past week. I, on the other hand, had not—ratcheting up my sexual frustration to a critical point. When I could ignore the O, I was okay. Now that I was treated to dreams of Simon every night, O’s absence was even more pronounced. Clive had taken to sleeping on top of the dresser, safer with my flailing legs, you see.
“The dreams? The dreams are good, but he’s such an asshole!” I exclaimed, thumping my fist on the door.
“I know. That’s what you keep saying,” she added, looking at me carefully.
“What? What is that look?”
“Nothing. Just looking at you. You’re awfully worked up over someone who’s an asshole,” she said.
“I know.” I sighed, looking out the window.
“You’re poking me.”
“I am not.”
“Seriously, what the hell is in your pocket, Mimi? Are you packing?” Sophia exclaimed, jerking her head away as Mimi pressed the curling iron through her hair.
I smiled from my place on the bed, lacing up my sandals. I’d put my own hair up in rollers before the girls got here, so I’d been spared the full treatment. Mimi fancied herself some kind of beauty school dropout, and if she could’ve opened a shop in her bedroom, she’d have given it some careful thought.
Mimi produced a brush from her pocket and showed it to Sophia before starting to tease. With the brush, that is.
We were pre-partying just like we did at Berkeley, right down to the frozen daiquiris. Although we’d upgraded to the good alcohol and freshly squeezed lime juice, it still made us a little hyper and slaphappy.
“Come on, come on—you never know who you might meet tonight! You don’t want to meet Prince Charming with flat hair, do you?” Mimi reasoned as she forced Sophia to flip her hair over to “get some lift at the crown.” You didn’t argue—you just let her do it.
“I’m not flat anywhere. If these girls are on display, Prince Charming won’t even notice I have hair,” Sophia muttered, which sent me into another gale of giggles. Then over our laughter, I heard voices from next door. I got up off the bed and went closer to the wall where I could hear better. This time instead of just Simon, there were two other distinctly male voices. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but suddenly Guns N’ Roses came blaring through the walls loud enough to make Sophia and Mimi stop what they were doing.
“What the hell is that?” Sophia snapped, looking wildly around the room.
“Simon’s a GN’R fan, I guess.” I shrugged, secretly enjoying being welcomed to the jungle. I put a headband low on my forehead and did Axl’s crab dance back and forth, much to the delight of Mimi and the scorn of Sophia.
“No, no, no—that’s not it, fool,” Sophia scolded over the music and grabbed another headband. Mimi screamed with laughter as Sophia and I Axl-battled. Until, of course, Sophia started to mess up her hair. Then Mimi lunged. Sophia jumped on the bed to get away from her, and I joined her. We jumped up and down, shrieking the lyrics now and dancing wildly. Mimi finally gave in, and all three of us danced like mad fools. I started to feel the bed moving underneath us, and I realized it was banging merrily against the wall—Simon’s wall.
“Take that! And that! And a little of…that! No one’s banging on my walls, huh? Hahahahaha!” I shrieked crazily as Mimi and Sophia watched in amazement. Sophia climbed off the bed, and she and Mimi clutched each other as they laughed and I thumped. I rocked back and forth like I was surfing, driving my headboard into the wall again and again.
The music cut off suddenly, and I dropped like I’d been shot. Mimi and Sophia clasped their hands over each other’s mouths while I lay flat on the bed, biting my own knuckle to keep from laughing. The frenzy in the room was like when you got caught TP-ing someone’s house, or laughing in the back of church. You couldn’t stop, and you couldn’t not stop.
Bang bang bang.
No way. He was banging at me?
Bang bang bang.
He was banging at me…
Bang bang bang! I gave as good as I got. I couldn’t believe he had the balls to try to get me to quiet down. I heard male voices chuckling.
Bang bang bang came once more, and my temper flared.
Oh, he really was an asshole…
I looked at the girls incredulously, and they jumped back on the bed with me.
Bang bang bang bang we pounded, six furious fists raining down on the plaster.
Bang bang bang bang came back to us—much, much louder this time. His boys must have gotten in on the action.
“Give it up, mister! No sex for you!” I yelled at the wall as my girls cackled maniacally.
“Tons of sex for me, sister. None for you!” he yelled all too clearly through the wall.
I raised my fists to bang once more. Bang bang ba-bang bang rang out from my side.
Bang bang! A single fist answered back, and then all was silent.
“Oooohhhhh!” I screamed at the wall, and I could hear Simon and his boys laughing.
Mimi, Sophia, and I stared wide-eyed at each other until we heard a tiny sigh from behind us.
We turned to see Clive sitting on the dresser. He stared back at us, sighed again, and proceeded to lick his bum.
“The nerve, I mean, the mother-loving nerve of that guy! He has the balls to actually bang on my wall, on my wall? I mean, God what an—”
“Asshole, we know,” Mimi and Sophia said in unison as I continued my rant.
“Yes, an asshole!” I continued, still worked up. We were in the car on the way to Jillian’s party. The car service had arrived promptly at eight thirty, and we were soon headed over the bridge.
As I looked out at the twinkling lights of Sausalito, I began to calm down a little. I refused to let that guy upset me. I was out with my two best friends, about to attend a fantastic housewarming hosted by the best boss in the world. And if we were lucky, her fiancé would let us see the pictures of him when he was a swimmer in college, back when swimmers still just wore tiny Speedos. We would sigh and gaze endlessly until Jillian made us put them away. And then she would usually put Benjamin away too—for the night.
“I’m telling you, I have a really good feeling about tonight. I feel like something’s going to happen,” Mimi mused, staring thoughtfully out the window.
“Something’s going to happen, all right. We’ll have a great time, drink way too much, and I’ll probably try to cop a feel off Caroline on the car ride home,” Sophia said, winking at me.
“Mmm, sugar,” I teased, and she blew me a kiss.
“Oh, would you two forget your pseudo-lesbian romance? I’m being serious here,” she continued, sighing in the Harlequin romance voice she used sometimes.
“Who knows? Not sure about me, but maybe you’ll meet your Prince Charming tonight,” I whispered, smiling back at her hopeful face. Mimi was certainly the most romantic of the three of us. She was steadfast in her belief that everyone had a soulmate.
Eh…I’d just settle for my Soul-O.
When we pulled up to Benjamin and Jillian’s house, there were cars parked everywhere along the winding street, and Japanese lanterns and luminary bags lined the property. Like most houses set into the hilly landscape, from the street there was nothing to look at. We giggled as we made our way through the gate, and I smiled when the girls stared at the contraption before us. I’d seen the plans for this, but had yet to take a ride.
“What kind of fucked-up rickshaw is this?” Sophia blurted, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Jillian and Benjamin had designed and installed a hillevator, basically an elevator that went up and down the hill. Very practical when you considered the amount of steps it took to reach the house. Their hillside front yard was blanketed with terraced gardens and benches and various garden scenes, all artfully arranged on flagstone paths lit with tiki torches that led down the hill to the house. But for grocery shopping and other less-leisurely approaches, the hillevator made for a much easier ride.
“Would you ladies care to use the lift or make your way down the path?” an attendant asked, appearing from the other side of the carriage.
“You mean, ride in that thing?” Mimi squeaked.
“Sure, that’s what it’s made for. Come on,” I encouraged, stepping through the little door that he’d opened in the side. It really felt like a ski lift, except that it was going down a hill instead of up in the air.
“Yeah, okay, let’s do it,” said Sophia, climbing in behind me and plopping down on the seat. Mimi shrugged and followed.
“There’ll be someone at the bottom waiting for you. Enjoy the party, ladies.” He smiled, and we were off.
As we rode down the hill, the house rose up to meet us. Jillian had created a purely magical world here, and as there were huge windows throughout the house, we could see into the party as we continued our descent.
“Wow, there’s a lot of people here,” Mimi noted, her eyes huge. The sounds of a jazz band on one of the many patios below came tinkling up to us.
I felt a little fluttering in my tummy as the cart came to a stop and another attendant came to open the door. As we filed out and our heels click-clacked across the flagstone, I could hear Jillian’s voice from inside the house and immediately smiled.