My mom never brought up my meltdown again. Only once did she stop me in the hall, pull me into a hug, and whisper “it gets easier.” My dad only asked about Reed once. In a way I thought he knew it was best not to, sensed it was taboo. He wondered why we weren’t hanging out, and I explained that I had different shifts, had to fill in on mornings. A lie, but a small one. And I think my dad was really happier not hearing about his baby girl’s broken heart.
Tyler worked both afternoons and mornings. Sometimes he would slip up and mention Reed, but he also was pretty respectful. He always took his breaks with me, but never flirted. I got to work early a few times to see him practice diving, his sport of choice. He was pretty amazing at it. The thought of flinging myself headfirst from a platform that high just sounded mental to me. I could tell he liked it when I was there, showing off a little. But still, he always managed to keep things ‘friendly.’
It was the Friday before the big party weekend. Sarah had planned a party with her sister, Calley. It was going to be a nighttime desert party, Calley’s last before heading to college in August. I was actually a little excited about it, too. I needed to do something normal, on my own. Test my strength, I thought.
I was telling Tyler about the tradition of our desert parties during our last break when I sort of accidentally invited him. I told him he should join us for one sometime, and he said he was free that night. It was sort of throwing a hiccup in my ‘stand-on-your-own’ plan, but I made it pretty clear that he could join me and my friends, hang out with us.
I was giving Tyler directions in the parking lot when I felt Reed’s presence behind me. The smell of him was familiar, his shadow familiar. I heard him clear his throat a little as he was walking up and I turned ever so slightly to see his face. He gave me a slight sideways grin, but it still seemed sad.
“What’s up, Tyler? Hey…Nolan,” he said, swallowing a little as he stopped right at the entrance.
I just shrugged and smiled, putting my pen in my bag and looking for my keys so I could make my escape.
“You working the afternoon today, Ty?” he said to Tyler. Ty? Since when were they friends?
“Nah, I’ve got some shit to do today, man. But hey, maybe I’ll see you later,” Tyler said, waving the small piece of paper I just gave him with directions and stuffing it in his pocket. “Talk to you later, Nolan,” he said, touching my shoulder a little when he stepped off the curb and put his sun glasses on, heading for his car.
I was starting to leave, too, when Reed spoke. “What was that all about,” he seemed almost jealous.
“Oh,” I waited…”Just one of Sarah’s desert parties, you know. Calley’s last one. Thought he might think it was cool. Really nothing other than one more person to hang out.” Damn it, why couldn’t I lie to him!
He just exhaled and shook his head, looking to the side, in the distance. I hated him for breaking me, but god did I love him, too. Finally turning his head to me he scrunched his brow a little. “Are we ever going to talk, Noles?” he was genuine.
I just stood there, almost speaking, then stopping myself. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Reed. I don’t know if I have it in me. I know you didn’t mean to see me get hurt. But I also know that whatever you have to say… well, it’s going to suck. Like, realllllllly suck. And I don’t know if I’m conditioned enough to take another blow right now, if that’s ok.”
That was it. I left it all out there on the field for him. Honesty. That was all I could promise him, and all I’d ever given him. He gave me a crooked smile and went to reach for my cheek, but I stepped back quickly, holding up my keys. “I gotta get to Sarah’s. Have a good shift.”
I cried all the way to her house. She had her work cut out for her when she pulled me into her bathroom and started to work on my hair and make up. She twisted my hair up in a backwards French braid, letting the long parts on the top and side curl down to frame my face a little. It was the perfect style for a summer party in the desert, nice and cool.
Sienna, Becky and Sean came over before the sun set. I hadn’t seen Sean in a few weeks and felt bad at the awkward position I was sure he was in. He and Becky had started dating officially, and they were perfect together. They both had similar styles and finished each other’s sentences. I could tell Sean was smitten, too, because he would pick her up and carry her around like a back pack, smiling around the house when he didn’t think anyone was looking.
We were all getting ready to pile into the back of Sean’s truck when he stopped me outside to talk. “Are you ok?” he said, bending down to look me straight in the eyes. At first I nodded yes, but then I shifted into no. I couldn’t lie to this boy either. Damn it!