Sarah and I finally fell asleep in the early morning hours. I woke up at 10 and nudged her after laying there for a little more than an hour, thinking. Thinking, it turned out, was not good for a broken heart.
“Hey, I’m sorry, but can you take me home?” I was quiet, a sharp contrast from the loudness of the night before.
“Sure, just let me hop in the shower real quick. I want to go out for a bit,” she grimaced. “I don’t want to be around while Calley’s here today.”
“I’m sorry,” I started, but she stopped me with her hand up.
“Again, not your fault. Don’t, ok?” she was genuine. I was grateful she didn’t blame me, but I still felt badly.
Sarah drove me home and then headed out to Chandler to spend the afternoon at the big mall in town. My parents were out for the afternoon and had left me a note on the counter. “Hope you had a good time, honey. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge if you’re hungry. We’ll be home later this afternoon. Love you, mom”
I couldn’t eat now if someone held a gun to my head. I wasn’t sure when my appetite would come back. I flopped onto my bed in my room and tossed my bag of things to the floor. Deep breath after deep breath was helping me to clear my head. I had come to terms with the fact that this needed to happen. I knew it was inevitable, and I knew that it was coming the second Kyle missed that pass.
Kicking my shoes off, I slid from my bed onto the floor, bringing my knees up and tucking them under my chin. I stared at it for a few minutes before finally sliding the box out from under my bed. I didn’t have to open it; I knew everything that was in there. It was every letter, every card, every single thing that Reed had ever given me. There were pictures and stupid things that reminded me of him like the napkin from MicNic’s that he drew a heart on and hid in my purse for me to find after our date once.
There was also a packet of information on UofA and Stanford in there with my notes from the research I’d done. Reed was probably right; affording Stanford was a bit of a pipe dream. But I was still going to try if that’s where he had decided to go. Now, sitting here with my box of Reed in my lap, I felt ridiculous. I was redrawing my entire plan, just to be with him. And that wasn’t healthy either. I had wanted to go to ASU my entire life, and here I was ready to throw that all away just to follow a boy to college. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have broken up with me as soon as we got there for some cheerleader?
Who’s throwing the pity party now, I thought.
Suddenly, the box of mementos in my lap was the last thing I wanted in my house. It had to go. Standing, I pushed my shoes back on my feet and tucked the box under my arm and grabbed my keys and wallet from my duffle bag on the floor.
With purpose, I walked to my car and tossed the box in the passenger seat. Within minutes I was pulling up in Reed’s driveway. Buck’s big truck was nowhere to be found, but I saw what looked like Reed’s old Jeep parked off in the garage. It looked like it had been fixed. I was glad for that. At least something was able to be fixed from this awful accident.
I grabbed the box and jogged up to Reed’s front door and rang the door bell. It was one of those long-ringing bells, playing its song forever. Everything about his house suddenly seemed so pretentious. I was about to give up when the door clicked open and Reed was standing in the doorway, his body leaning against the wall a little. His face was still flat, which was going to make this easier.
“Here’s your shit,” I said, shoving the box in his hands and making sure his eyes saw right into mine. This was me, ending it. On my terms. Sure, it was childish to play the last word game, but nothing about the end of our relationship was mature. I might as well win at something.
I spun on my heels and headed back to my car, fighting every itch to turn over my shoulder to see his reaction. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. In fact, I didn’t even look in his direction when I climbed in my car and drove off, pulling a U-turn in front of his open doorway. I was pretty sure he was watching me leave, and I was glad.
Everything was going to hit me eventually, but for today I was going to be strong. I owed that to myself. And I was. Tomorrow, that’s when I could cry.
25. My New Normal
The entire town seemed to be operating under an umbrella. Sure, there was still one more game to play. But it didn’t matter. Not really. We were knocked out of the state tournament. And this was our last Johnson, so the odds of Coolidge making the spotlight again in the near future were slim.
I ran into Buck at the grocery store the morning after the big loss, and, positive as ever, he was hopeful. He told me Reed was set to get his cast off, and he was anxious to give the scouts one more look at his arm before signing season began. He still had a few tricks up his sleeve, and I felt a little better knowing Reed had his father in his corner.