He chuckled, and my stomach fluttered. Dang it.
“You want to read in the heat instead of sitting inside with me?”
I nodded.
“That’s a blow to my ego, babe.”
Babe. He’d just called me babe. Of course I’d also heard him call other girls babe. But he’d never called me that. I would not smile like an idiot. Babe wasn’t even a very nice word. I should be insulted.
But I wasn’t insulted at all. Crap.
“Are you worried about Brady? Because he’s fine with our friendship. I’ve even got Serena in there too. He sees that. He knows I’m not moving in on you.”
That got me back to where I needed to be. Thank you, West Ashby, for reminding me where I stood. I really wanted to read my book. I held it up again and gave him a tight smile.
He frowned and let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine, read your book.”
I nodded in agreement. That was exactly what I’d planned to do. He shook his head and turned and left me there. Alone again. Just like I’d asked for.
Good.
Well, it was supposed to be good. It was what I wanted.
So why did it feel even lonelier now that he was gone? If he’d just stayed inside and not come out here, I would have been perfectly content. Now I was going to have a hard time concentrating on my book.
I saw West again at my locker before last period. He said he hoped I enjoyed my book. Then he brushed the hair off my shoulder before leaving me.
Aunt Coralee picked me up from school like she usually did, since Brady had football practice for three hours every day. She always had a snack waiting for me when I got home, and she chatted about her day.
I listened while I ate, and when she asked me questions, I answered with a nod. She didn’t expect more and, unlike Jorie, she didn’t seem annoyed when I didn’t reply. My godmother still hadn’t texted me to see how I was. I’d kind of expected her to. It wasn’t that I missed her—being away from her was definitely a relief—but she’d still been a big part of my life growing up. She was like my aunt. Always at family events and holidays.
Once I was done eating, I hugged Aunt Coralee because she liked it when I did that, and then I headed upstairs to my room. Uncle Boone wouldn’t be home for a few more hours. He would get off work and then go to Brady’s practice and watch the last of it. Then they’d talk about it over dinner. Like they did every night.
I knew the routine here, and I felt comfortable with it.
I wondered whether, if I’d come to live here right after my mother’s death, I’d be better by now. If I would trust people more. Maybe I would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost so much of myself. Wouldn’t have lost the girl I’d once been. I didn’t know her at all anymore.
I no longer heard from the friends I used to have. They stopped texting me weeks after everything happened. Mostly because I never responded. My best friend and my boyfriend had gone to prom together that year. I’d seen their photos on Instagram. I hadn’t even cared. None of that had mattered anymore.
And I had thought that nothing would matter again. That I’d lost all those emotions and feelings. But West was showing me that I wasn’t broken. That my heart still worked and I still could care. I just wished it wasn’t all working and caring for him.
I fell back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I needed to get myself level-headed again. West was watching his father die. I knew how painful that was. He needed me to be his friend. He had enough girls wanting him for something more. He didn’t need that from me, too. So pouting and getting upset over him and a girl was wrong. If a girl made him smile, I should be thankful for that.
I was going to be a friend to West. I wouldn’t let my heart keep me from being what he needed.
We Weren’t That Damn Funny
CHAPTER 18
WEST
It was game day. I used to love Fridays during football season. Dad would always wake me up, and we’d eat breakfast together while we talked over the plays and what I needed to do to win.
This morning I’d woken up to a clatter of dishes in the kitchen. I’d jumped up and run down the hall to find Momma standing in the middle of a pile of broken plates. Tears had been streaming down her face as she’d looked up at me. “I was trying”—she’d sniffed—“to make you breakfast. I couldn’t reach the top shelf. Your dad always reached the waffle iron for me. I slipped and pulled the second shelf down with me.” Another sob had shaken her chest.
I’d gone over to her and pulled her into a hug. “Momma, go back in there and be with Dad. I can make my own breakfast. I’ll clean all this up. He needs you with him.”
She’d nodded against my chest and sobbed again.
That was how I’d started my day.
Getting to school and seeing Maggie was all I thought about as I kissed Mom’s cheek good-bye and then kissed my dad’s forehead and promised him we’d win big tonight. I’d tell him all about it when I got home.
My chest hurt, and my throat felt tight, but I knew if I could see Maggie, if I could hear her voice, I’d be okay. Calling her wasn’t an option because she’d be in Brady’s truck and she wouldn’t talk in front of him. So I had to get to her this morning and get her alone. Before I completely broke down.
Brady’s truck was parked outside school when I pulled up. Never had I been more thankful to see it in my life. I didn’t waste any time talking to people who called out my name. I had to get to my locker. To Maggie.
When I saw the back of her hair, my chest eased some. She was here. I focused on her as I made my way through the crowd, needing to remind myself that I could do this. I could make it through this. Maggie was with me.
“Hey,” I said almost breathlessly as I got to our lockers. I waited for her to turn and look at me. It was odd how just the promise of seeing her made things seem better.
She closed her locker and then turned to face me. The smile on her lips slowly fell as she studied my face. She knew. Without me saying a word, she knew I was dealing with some shit. That was something I needed from her. Her understanding without me having to explain.
Her hand slid over mine as she stared up at me with a gentle strength that was just Maggie. I flipped my hand over and threaded my fingers through hers. Then she squeezed my hand tightly even though it dwarfed her small one. “I’m here,” she whispered, barely moving her lips.
That was what I needed. The tightness in my chest eased away, and I could breathe deeply again. “Bad morning,” I explained, although she’d already figured that out.
She nodded and her thumb brushed against my hand. I liked the way it felt to have her palm pressed against mine. Everything I doubted about myself, about my ability to deal with this, about life —she cleared it all away with just one touch.
“Good morning, sexy.” Serena’s voice broke the spell that had been wrapping around us, and Maggie’s hand was instantly gone. She moved away from me before I could say anything, and then she slipped past me and into the crowd.
I jerked away from Serena’s hand on my shoulder, pissed she’d interrupted us. I didn’t get much time with Maggie during the day. If I was going to play tonight, I needed her to help get my head right.
“What’s wrong? You tense about tonight? You know you’ll be amazing. You always are.”
I moved to my locker without answering her. The past couple of days she’d been good for me. With her hands on me and her mouth doing things for me that felt more than good, I wasn’t thinking about anything else.
But today Serena would have to back off. Sex was not what I needed. Forgetting everything by getting off between her legs or in her mouth wouldn’t work today. That only lasted for a few minutes. Then the shit was all back.
Only Maggie’s presence helped me.
“What’s the matter? You’re all grumpy. Come to the bathroom and I’ll ease some tension for you. Like yesterday. You liked that, didn’t you?”
I didn’t want to be reminded how low I had sunk. If Maggie knew I used girls like this, she’d be disgusted with me. She hadn’t used anyone to ease her pain. She’d dealt with it alone.
No one got hurt just so she could feel better.
“Not interested today. I got the game to focus on,” I finally said to Serena, moving past her and toward my first- period class before she could catch up to me.
By lunchtime I had missed Maggie at her locker twice more, thanks to Serena holding me up in the hallway. My gaze was locked on the door of the cafeteria, waiting on Maggie to come inside. I knew she’d go out to the picnic tables again. She’d been doing that most of the week. I’d tried to get her to come inside, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to sit in the heat and read.
Serena came in first and made her way straight toward me. I knew I’d asked for this by messing around with her, but today I wanted her to just step back. We were fooling around; we weren’t in a relationship. She seemed to be forgetting that, even though I’d made it very clear before we had sex the first time on Wednesday. Two days later does not make us exclusive.
But she sure was trying to get her claws in me.
I shifted my gaze back to the door, waiting on Maggie. Just seeing her would help.
“So, you and Serena, huh?” Brady asked as he sat down across from me.