“I wasn’t planning on telling him.” I let the partial truth slip out, again wondering how the fuck Doc knew we went out. Does he have someone watching us? I haven’t seen any suspicious cars around lately, but there are still lots of places for people to hide around our apartment complex. But if someone is watching us, why? “It just happened.”
“I get it,” she says sadly, folding her arms on top of her desk. “Your job is really important to you, and being on my father’s good side is really important to your job.”
You don’t get it! You really don’t. If I had my way, I’d pick you over the job for your father. I’d pick it a thousand times over.
“How can I make it up to you?” I sign, my shoulders sagging. “Or is there not a way?”
She ponders my question, thrumming her finger against her lip. Then, her gaze falls to my paper, and she perks up a smidgeon. “Can I see what you wrote?”
I glance down at my paper then back at her. Most of the stuff I write is personal, and usually I don’t share with anyone unless I have to. This is a class project, though, which means the professor is going to read it. Besides, if I let her see it, then maybe I’ll earn back a little of her trust.
“Sure.” I hand the paper to her, but don’t release it from my gasp when she grabs it. I mouth, “Can I read yours, too?”
She rolls her tongue in her mouth, her eyes drifting to the paper in front of her. “I guess so.”
“No, never mind. You don’t have to.” This is about me earning her trust, not the other way around.
“No, it’s okay. We should probably know what the other one wrote, anyway, since this is a partner project.” Sighing, she picks up her paper and gives it to me.
I let go of mine, sit back in the chair, and begin to read what she wrote.
The guy I never knew,
a statue sitting across the room.
So flawlessly put together,
smooth imperfect pieces
that somehow create harmony.
His lips are the sanctuary to his soul,
never to utter the truth of the scars hidden inside,
begging to be free.
Or maybe not.
Perhaps they’ve sealed themselves up purposefully.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
If you listen closely, you can hear the whisper of his heart.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The rhythm is what I crave.
An addiction
I can no longer feed.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
I wonder what it would whisper if he were free.
There’s more to it, but class starts before I can finish. Emery snatches the paper from me, and returns mine. Our fingers graze during the exchange, my skin burning as our gazes interlock.
Want, want, want, my heart beats the truth. Want all you want, but can never have you. You and Emery were never meant to be.
God, how the truth stings.
Chapter 6
Bloodstained Ribbons and Lace
Emery
I want to hate Ryler. I want to hate him because he chose my father over me, but hating him is proving to be a difficult task. With Ryler sitting beside me, class seems endless, especially after reading the paper he wrote for class.
Emery, Emery, Emery,
So beautiful.
Lips so kissable.
Eyes so haunting.
Soft skin that begs my fingers closer.
Like a red rose,
she flourishes for the whole world.
But even though the rose thrives
through sunlight
and rain,
the rose is wilting.
Around the edges,
in desperate need of air.
Withering.
And the whole world simply watches.
As petal after petal falls
to the ground.
What I wouldn’t give to pick each one up
and put them back.
Help her flourish again.
But I’m helpless,
bound by my silence.
His words somehow feel like an apology, but I’m not positive what he’s apologizing for. For working for my father? For not being the person I thought he was? For telling my father he took me out the other night after he gave me one of the best nights of my life?
I try not to overanalyze what’s going on between us too much, though. When it all comes down to it, Ryler still works for my father and he picked him over me. I shouldn’t be surprised.
I spent the first couple of weeks pretending he didn’t exist and should have stuck to it, yet I’m highly distracted during the class lecture, extremely aware every time Ryler glances in my direction, every time he stares at me. I never imagined my time at school would be like this. I imagined freedom. The life I dreamed about during those late hours I spent strapped to my bed promised freedom. I’m starting to believe the dream is something that will never be. That the long road I wanted to jump off will always be underneath me, leading me to my parents’ future of me being married to Evan.
Maybe my mother is right. Perhaps fighting the inevitable is pointless. Perhaps, no matter what I do, I’m going to end up right where I began.
“You want to drive my car home?” Ryler signs to me after class is dismissed. He gathers his books and waits for me to respond, appearing uneasy. “I have to go to work right now, but I can walk home afterward so you don’t have to.”
I shake my head as I collect my books from the desk. “I’m fine. Evan’s out there waiting for me, anyway.” Liar. Like poison on my tongue.
Shockingly, I feel awful for lying to him. I need to lie, though, in order to get a few moments of peace and quiet, some time to myself to decide what to do with my life. Maybe I’ll run. Maybe I’ll stay. Maybe I’ll cave. Maybe I’ll fight. I have no idea, but I need to figure out something, because I can’t keep going like this.