Her words made a flash of bitter heat run up my spine. Yes, I was. Guess letting go wasn’t something I was much good at. “No, this is what I was meant to do. I’m not doing a group thing again. I’m going solo. It’ll be just me, rocking the world.” Carefully approaching her, I wrapped an arm around her waist. “What do you think of that, babe? You’ll be married to the hottest solo artist of all time.”
She didn’t look as awed by that statement as she should have been. “I don’t mean to sound insulting, but…do you even know how to put together an album?”
No, not really. To hide my doubt, I smiled. “This is going to work, and it’s going to be great.” When she still didn’t look convinced, I added, “I’ll get help, okay? As much help as I need. In fact, first thing tomorrow, I’ll start calling record labels. Everything else will fall into place. You’ll see.”
Anna cocked an eyebrow at me. I felt like I was still in dangerous territory, so I said the most honest thing I could say. “You were right. Being a rock star has always been my dream. And I think music has been in the back of my mind ever since I left the D-Bags. I miss the stage, miss performing.” I miss the guys. Shaking off that errant thought, I told her, “Now just seems like the perfect opportunity to do something about it, since I’ve got time…” She narrowed her eyes, so I quickly changed topics. “I think you were right about the house and about our expenses though. I think we need to scale down.”
For the first time since our conversation began, her expression softened. “Well that, I can definitely get on board with.” Wrapping her arms around my neck, she looked around our opulent bedroom. “This house is way too big.”
Yeah…I was gonna miss it though. But tough times called for tough decisions. Like constantly keeping my wife two steps behind the truth.
A few weeks later, the house was almost packed up, and we were narrowing down where we wanted to rent. I’d already hired the crew who’d be creating my epic solo album masterpiece, and each one of them cost ten times more than I’d expected. I wasn’t a whiz at math, but I knew a financial black hole when I saw one. I hated to do it, but it was time to make even harder cuts, which meant…I needed to talk to my wife. Again.
Anna was in the living room with the girls, supervising while they played with dolls. Gibson was pretending that her doll was Onnika. She had her tied up with yarn and lying across a train set. The train was speeding down the tracks, and Gibson was making no move whatsoever to save the replica of her little sister.
Just when I was thinking that maybe I should have another talk with Gibson, Onnika decided to save herself. She waddled over to her distressed miniature and picked her up, right before the train collided with her. It made me feel connected to my youngest daughter. Exactly, Onnie. When life shits on you, sometimes you have to be your own superhero.
Gibson didn’t feel the same. She shoved Onnika backward, onto her plump diaper. I don’t think the fall hurt her, but the sudden movement definitely scared her.
Anna and I snapped at Gibson at the same time. Seeing us both upset made her cry, which made Onnika cry.
Girls. The tiniest things sent them into hysterics.
I held Onnika while Anna had a heart-to-heart with Gibson. With crying children in our arms, it was difficult to talk to my wife. Or maybe it wasn’t. She couldn’t kill me if she was trying to calm down our daughter. “So…I called a real estate agent today. I was thinking maybe it was time we put the house in Seattle up for sale.”
Anna stopped mid-cuddle and stared at me openmouthed. “You…? Really?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I think we should. It seems like a waste of money, making payments on an empty house. And we’re trying to cut back, you know?”
“Oh, well I guess that makes sense,” she said, surprised but looking pleased. “Okay, yeah, make it happen.” She didn’t ask what we should price it at, and I was grateful. From what the agent had said, we were going to lose money on the deal; we’d paid way too much when we’d bought it.
Knowing I had to break the news to her sooner or later, I inhaled a deep breath, then said in a rush, “And actually, I was thinking…it’s stupid to waste money on renting a place right now. We should just save as much as we can until the show launches in the fall. I called Mom and Dad, and they said we could move back in with them. So…I told them we’d move in next month.”
Anna slowly closed her eyes, then shook her head. “If we’d just gotten something modest in the beginning…” she said. Her voice trembled in her effort to stay calm.
Setting Onnika down, I walked over to her. After scooting Gibson out of the way, I got down on my knees and looked up at her face. Feeling my presence, Anna opened her eyes. The green gems I adored were a little duller than before. That was my fault. The stress of dragging her down here, the stress of lying to her, everything I’d done recently had changed her. Me too. I felt worn from the inside out most days. I just needed something to work out like I planned it to.
“I know. I fucked up.” On so many things. “But the album will get us through until the fall. And then everything will be okay. I promise. I promise this will all work out, Anna.” It had to, because there were no more backup plans.
Her eyes widened, and the fear in them was unmistakable. “You don’t make promises.”
Nodding, I told her, “Exactly. But on this…I am. Just don’t give up on me. Okay?” Please see this through with me.