I studied my coworkers while I scraped the bottom of my pudding cup. Watching and listening to them was like being given a glimpse into my future, and from all I could tell, it wasn’t going to be good. Most of the guys here were struggling to make ends meet. A lot of them were drinking away their problems every night and on their second or third marriage. I loathed the idea of that being my future.
But could I take another risk? Assuming the guys invited me on the show…and that was a big assumption since most of them didn’t like me at the moment…the winner was voted on by the fans. They did hate me. They hated the way I left, they hated what I did to the guys, and…I didn’t blame them. I was a selfish asshole who hadn’t appreciated a single fucking thing I’d had. I didn’t deserve to be in the band again. I didn’t deserve to be with Anna again. I wasn’t good enough for anything I’d once had…
Kiera’s words wouldn’t leave me alone though. They’re miserable without you…They do care…
Pushing away the rest of the lunch I couldn’t eat, I closed my eyes and tried to think what Anna would want me to do. Where would I end up if I stayed at this job? I instantly knew the answer to that. I’d wind up with the same miseries I saw around me on a daily basis. I’d lose Anna, I’d lose the girls…I’d lose my family, and probably my mind.
Mentally, I shifted my focus to the other path in this crossroads before me. Where would I end up if I auditioned? Like I was waking from being numb, just the thought made tiny pinpricks of hope start to tingle my nerves. I could end up a D-Bag again, if fate was with me. But what if it wasn’t? What if I quit my job and lost the contest? How would I pay off my debts and support my girls? Then again, without Anna and the girls with me…what was the point of any of this? I’d rather scrape by with pennies in my pockets, or even beg for cash on the street corner, than spend the rest of my life without them. If I lost, I could start over. Somehow. But if I by some miracle I won…
Opening my eyes, I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do. My future was with Anna, and with the D-Bags, with my family…if they’d have me.
Feeling the burn of hope in my chest starting to expand outward, I smiled. It was painful, but I welcomed the ache. Okay, Kiera. I’ll go to the audition.
Trying to be smart for once, I didn’t completely quit my job. Instead, I put in a conditional notice. If I made it through the auditions and onto the show, then my job would be lost, but if I didn’t make it that far, I would have something to fall back on. It made me a little proud of myself that I’d thought out a plan before rashly jumping off the cliff. See, Anna, I’m learning.
I was still scared though. If I made it on the show and lost, I’d have to completely start over. My job gave new meaning to the word “suck,” but it paid well, and I knew I’d never make that kind of money right off the bat again. I’d have to work three times as hard just to barely scrape by. But no, I couldn’t think that way. I needed to be positive…like I used to be. I could own this contest. I mean, it was my position I was fighting for; I’d been preparing for this my entire adult life.
When I got home that night, there was an unusual spring in my step. I now saw a small light at the end of my very dark tunnel. It was just a pinpoint at the moment, but it was there, and I was going to hold on to it for as long as I could.
Mom noticed it instantly, and Dad seemed to spot it as soon as Mom pointed it out. “You’re more chipper than usual. Something up? Did you talk to Anna?”
My enthusiasm died a little as Mom mentioned my wife’s name. Had Kiera given her the note? Would she read it? Or would she just throw it away, throw us away? Would she be moved if she did read it, or was she already set on us going our separate ways? I wouldn’t know until I talked to her, and maybe it was chickenshit of me, but I didn’t want to talk to her just yet. I wanted to cling to this tiny thread of possibility that I’d been given.
“No…I quit my job.”
Dad dropped the newspaper he’d been reading. Mom dropped her cigarette. Almost. She caught it at the last minute and stuck it back in her mouth. She sadly shook her head while Dad sighed. “Griffin, I had to pull a lot of strings to get you that job. Your resume isn’t really…well, it’s not the best for that industry.”
I nodded. “I know, but it isn’t what I want.”
Both parents seemed confused. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I explained. “The D-Bags are having auditions to replace me.”
Dad put a hand on my shoulder and patted me a couple times. “Sorry to hear that, son.”
I brushed off his concern. “No, they’re having open auditions…so I’m going to audition.”
Mom still looked confused. “You’re going to audition for your band…to be your replacement?”
My smile was wider than it had been in a really long time. I felt like flakes of rust were cracking off me and drifting to the floor, exposing a shiny surface underneath. “Yes. I’m going to audition for my old spot and work my ass off until I have it.” I hoped.
Mom gave me a half smile, like she supported me, even though she didn’t fully understand the situation. Dad frowned. “Okay…well, why did you have to quit? Couldn’t you do both? Didn’t you like it there?”
I could tell from the look on his face that he was hoping I’d stay at his old job. Maybe he wanted just one son to follow in his footsteps, and he’d been hoping that would be me. I felt bad for crushing that desire, but this was my dream, and I had to go for it.