MILES
Six years earlier
My room is Rachels now. Rachels room is my room.
We graduated. We moved in together. Were in college now.
See? Weve got this.
Ian brings in the last of the boxes from the car. Where do you
want this one? he asks.
What is it? Rachel asks him.
He tells her it looks like a box full of her bras and underwear.
She laughs and tells him to set it next to my dresser. Ian does.
Ian likes Rachel. Ian likes that shes not holding me back. Ian
likes that she wants me to get my degree and finish flight
school.
Rachel wants me to be happy. I tell Rachel Ill be happy as long
as I have her.
She tells me, Then youll always be happy.
My dad still hates me. My dad doesnt want to hate me.
Theyre trying to accept it, but its hard. Its hard for everyone.
Rachel doesnt care what everyone thinks. She only cares what
I think, and I only think about Rachel.
Im learning that no matter how difficult a situation is, people
learn how to adapt to it. My dad and her mom may not
approve, but theyll adapt.
Rachel may not be ready to be a mom, and I may not be ready
to be a dad, but were adapting.
Its what has to happen. If people want peace within
themselves, its necessary.
Vital, even.
Miles.
I love my name when it comes out of her mouth. She doesnt
waste it. She only says it when she needs something. She only
says it when it needs to be said.
Miles.
She said it twice.
She must really need something.
I roll over, and shes sitting up in bed. She looks at me, wide—
eyed.
Miles. Three times. Miles. Four. It hurts.
Shit.
I jump out of bed and grab our bag. I help Rachel change
clothes. I help her to the car.
Shes scared.
I might be more scared than she is.
I hold her hand while we drive. I tell her to breathe. I dont
know why I tell her this. Of course, she knows to breathe.
I dont know what else to tell her.
I feel helpless.
Maybe she wants her mom.
Do you want me to call them?
She shakes her head. Not yet, she says. After.
She just wants it to be us. I like this. I just want it to be us, too.
A nurse helps her out of the car. They take us to a room. I get
Rachel whatever she needs.
Do you need ice?
I get it for her.
Do you want a cold rag?
I get it for her.
Do you want me to turn off the TV?
I turn it off.
Do you want another blanket, Rachel? You look cold.
I dont get her a blanket. Shes not cold.
Do you want more ice?
She doesnt want more ice.
She wants me to shut up.
I shut up.
Give me your hand, Miles.
I give it to her.
I want it back.
Shes hurting it.
I let her keep it anyway.
Shes quiet. She never makes a sound. She just breathes. Shes
incredible.
Im crying. I dont know why.
I love you so goddamn much, Rachel.
The doctor tells her shes almost done. I kiss her on the
forehead.
It happens.
Im a dad.
Shes a mom.
Its a boy, the doctor says.
Shes holding him. Shes holding my heart.
He stops crying. He tries to open his eyes.
Rachel cries.
Rachel laughs.
Rachel tells me thank you.
Rachel tells me thank you. Like she wasnt the one who created
this.
Rachel is crazy.
I love him so much, Miles, she says. Shes still crying. I love
him so, so much.
I love him, too, I tell her. I touch him. I want to hold him,
but I want her to hold him even more. She looks beautiful
holding him.
Rachel looks up at me. Will you please tell me his name
now?
I was hoping he would be a boy so I could have this moment.
I was hoping I could tell her what her sons name is, because I
know shell love it.
I hope she remembers the moment
she
became
my
everything.
Miles is going to show you the way to Mr. Claytons class, Rachel.
His name is Clayton.
She begins to sob.
She remembers.
Its perfect, she says, her words mixed with tears.
Shes crying too hard now. She wants me to hold him.
I sit on the bed with her and take him.
Im holding him.
Im holding my son.
Rachel rests her head on my arm, and we stare at him.
We stare at him for so long. I tell Rachel he has her red hair.
Rachel says he has my lips. I tell Rachel I hope he has her
personality. She disagrees and says she hopes hes just like me.
He makes life so much better, she says.
He sure does.
Were so lucky, Miles.
We sure are.
Rachel squeezes my hand.
Weve got this, Rachel whispers.
Weve so got this, I tell her.
Clayton yawns, and it makes us both laugh.
Since when did yawns become so incredible?
I touch his fingers.
We love you so much, Clayton.
Chapter twenty-seven
TATE
I drop down into the chair beside Cap, still dressed from head to toe in my scrubs. As soon as I got home from work, I studied for two hours straight. Its already after ten, and I havent even had supper yet, which is why Im sitting next to Cap right now, because hes getting to know my habits and had a pizza ordered for the two of us.
I hand him a slice and grab my own, then shut the lid and set it on the floor in front of me. I shove a huge bite into my mouth, but Cap is staring down at the slice in his hand.
Its really sad when pizza can make it to you faster than the police¸ he says. I just ordered this ten minutes ago. He takes a bite and closes his eyes like its the best thing hes ever tasted.
We both finish our slices, and I reach for another one. He shakes his head when I offer him a second slice, so I put it back in the box.
So? he says. Any progress between the boy and his friend?
It makes me laugh that he constantly refers to Miles as the boy. I nod and respond with a mouthful. Kind of, I say. They had a successful game night, but I think it was only successful because Miles pretended I wasnt there the whole time. I know hes trying to respect Corbin, but it kind of makes me feel like shit in the process, you know?
Cap nods like he understands. Im not sure that he does, but I like that he always listens so attentively anyway. Of course, he texted me the entire time he was in the living room sitting next to Corbin, so I guess I have that. But then there are weeks like this week when hes not even in the same state, and its like I dont even exist to him. No texts. No phone calls. Im pretty sure he only thinks about me when Im within ten feet of him.
Cap shakes his head. I doubt that. I bet that boy thinks about you a lot more than he lets on.
Id like to believe those words to be true, but Im not so sure they are.
But if he doesnt, Cap says, you cant be mad at him for it. Wasnt part of the agreement, now, was it?
I roll my eyes. I hate that he always brings me back to the fact that Miles isnt the one breaking rules or agreements. Im the one with the problems in our arrangement, and thats no ones fault but my own.
How did I get myself into this mess? I ask, not even needing an answer. I know how I got myself into this mess. I also know how to get out of it … I just dont want to.
You ever heard that expression, When life gives you lemons …?
Make lemonade, I say, finishing his quote.
Cap looks at me and shakes his head. Thats not how it goes, he says. When life gives you lemons, make sure you know whose eyes you need to squeeze them in.
I laugh, grab another slice of pizza, and wonder how in the hell I ended up with an eighty-year-old man as my best friend.
Corbins home phone never rings. Especially after midnight. I throw the covers off and grab a T-shirt, then pull it over my head. I dont know why I bother getting dressed. Corbins gone, and Miles isnt due back until tomorrow.
I make it to the kitchen on the fifth ring, right as the answering machine picks up. I cancel the message, then put the phone to my ear.
Hello?
Tate! my mother says. Oh, my God, Tate.
Her voice is panicked, which immediately causes me to panic. What is it?
A plane. A plane crashed about half an hour ago, and I cant get through to the airline. Have you talked to your brother?
My knees meet the floor. Are you sure it was his airline? I ask her. My voice sounds so terrified I dont even recognize it. It sounds as terrified as hers did the last time this happened.
I was only six, but I remember every single detail as if it happened yesterday, down to the moon-and-star pajamas I was wearing. My father was on a domestic flight, and we had turned on the news right after dinner and saw that one of the planes had gone down due to engine failure. Everyone on board was killed. I remember watching my mother on the phone with the airline, hysterical, trying to find out information on who the pilot was. We found out it wasnt him within the hour, but that hour was one of the scariest of our lives.
Until now.
I rush to my room and grab my cell phone off my nightstand and immediately dial his number. Have you tried calling him? I ask my mother as I make my way back to the living room. I try to make it to the couch, but for some reason, the floor seems more comforting. I kneel down again, almost as if Im in prayer mode.
I guess I am.
Yes, Ive been calling his phone nonstop. Its just going to voice mail.
Its a stupid question. Of course, shes tried calling him. I try again anyway, but his phone goes directly to voice mail.
I try to reassure her, but I know its pointless. Until we hear his voice, reassurance wont help. Ill call the airline, I tell her. Ill call you back if I hear anything.
She doesnt even say goodbye.
I use the home phone to call the airline and my cell phone to call Miles. Its the first time Ive ever dialed his number.
I pray that he answers, because as much as Im scared to death for Corbin, its also running through my head that Miles works for the same airline.
My stomach is sick.
Hello? Miles says on the second ring. His voice sounds hesitant, like hes unsure why Im calling.
Miles! I say, both frantic and relieved. Is he okay? Is Corbin okay?
Theres a pause.
Why is there a pause?
What do you mean?
A plane, I say immediately. My mom called. There was a plane crash. Hes not answering his phone.
Where are you? he says quickly.
The apartment.
Let me in.
I walk to the door and unlock it. He pushes the door open and still has the phone to his ear. When he sees me, he pulls the phone away, immediately rushes to the couch, grabs the remote, and turns on the television.
He flips through the channels until he finds the TV news report. He dials numbers on his cell phone, then turns and rushes toward me. He takes my hand in his. Come here, he says, pulling me to him. Im sure hes fine.
I nod against his chest, but his reassurance is pointless.
Gary? he says when someone answers on the other end. Its Miles. Yeah. Yeah, I heard, he says. Who was the crew?
Theres a long pause. Im terrified to look at him. Terrified.
Thank you. He hangs up the phone. Hes okay, Tate, he says immediately. Corbins fine. Ian, too.
I break down into tears of relief.
Miles walks me to the couch and sits down, then pulls me to him. He takes my cell phone out of my hands and presses several buttons before putting the phone to his ear.
Hey, its Miles. Corbin is fine. He pauses for a few seconds. Yeah, shes fine. Ill tell her to call you in the morning. A few more seconds pass, and he says goodbye. He sets the phone on the couch beside him. Your mom.