He holds up his hand to shut me up. His eyes drop for a second to my bra, and he winces as if he was hoping that what he heard didnt really happen. He looks away, and I immediately cover myself, embarrassed that he heard everything. He looks back at Miles, and his eyes are an equal mixture of anger and disappointment. How long?
Dont answer that, Miles, I say. I just want him to leave. Corbin has no right to be questioning him like this. Its ridiculous.
A while, Miles says, shamefully.
Corbin nods slowly, letting it sink in. Do you love her?
Miles and I look at each other. He looks back at Corbin as if hes trying to decide which one of us he wants his answer to please.
Im positive the slow shake of his head pleases neither of us.
Are you at least planning to? Corbin asks.
I continue to study Miles as if someone is asking him what the meaning of life is. I think I want his answer to Corbins question more than Corbin does.
Miles exhales and shakes his head again. No, he whispers.
No.
Hes not even planning to love me.
I knew his answer. I expected it. However, it still hurts like hell. The fact that he cant even lie about it to save himself from disappointing Corbin proves that this isnt some game hes playing.
This is Miles. Miles isnt capable of love. Not anymore, anyway.
Corbin grips the frame of his door and presses his forehead against his arm, inhaling a slow, steady breath. He looks back up at Miles with eyes like arrows aimed at a target. In all my life, Ive never seen Corbin this angry.
You just fucked my sister?
Im waiting for Miles to fall backward from the impact of Corbins words, but he takes a step toward him instead. Corbin, shes a grown woman.
Corbin takes a quick step toward Miles. Get out.
Miles glances back at me, and his eyes are apologetic and full of regret. Im not sure if its for me or for Corbin, but he does what Corbin asks.
He leaves.
Im still standing in my bedroom doorway, looking at Corbin like I could fly across this hall and deck him.
Corbin pierces me with a stare as firm as his stance. Youre not a brother, Tate, he says. Dont you dare tell me Im not allowed to be pissed. He steps back into his bedroom and slams his door.
I blink rapidly, fighting back tears of anger because of Corbin, tears of hurt because of Miles, and tears of shame because of the selfish choices I made for myself. I refuse to cry in front of either of them.
I walk to the kitchen and retrieve my shirt, then pull it over my head as I make my way toward the front door and across the hall. I knock on his door, and Miles opens it immediately. He looks behind me as if he expects Corbin to be standing there, then he steps aside and lets me in.
Hell get over it, I say to him after he closes his door.
I know, he says quietly. But it wont be the same. Miles walks to his living room and sits on his couch, so I follow him and sit down beside him. I dont have any words of advice, because hes right. Things more than likely wont be the same between him and Corbin. I feel shitty that Im the reason for that.
Miles sighs as he pulls my hand to his lap. He threads his fingers through mine. Tate, he says. Im sorry.
I look at him, and his eyes come up and meet mine. For what?
I dont know why Im pretending not to know what hes talking about. I know exactly what hes talking about.
When Corbin asked if I planned on loving you, he says. Im sorry I couldnt say yes. I just didnt want to lie to either of you.
I shake my head. Youve been nothing but honest about what you want from me, Miles. I cant be mad at you for that.
He inhales a deep breath as he stands and begins pacing the living room. I remain on the couch and watch him as he works to gather his thoughts. He eventually pauses and locks his hands behind his head. I had no right to question you about that guy, either. I dont allow you to question me or my life, so I have no right to question yours.
Not about to argue with that logic.
I just dont know how to deal with this thing between us. He steps closer to me, and I stand up. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me against his chest. I dont know an easy or even polite way to say this, but what I said to Corbin is the truth. Ill never love anyone again. Its not worth it to me. But Im being unfair to you. I know Im messing with your head, and I know Ive hurt you, and Im sorry for that. I just like being with you, but every time Im with you, Im scared youre seeing it for more than it really is.
I know I should have some sort of reaction to everything he just said, but Im still processing his words. Every single one of his admissions should be a red flag, since they were all also coupled with the hard truth that he doesnt plan on loving me or having a relationship with me, but the red flag doesnt rise.
The green one does.
Is it me specifically you dont want to love, or is it love in general you dont want to experience?
He pulls me away from his chest so he can look at me while he answers my question. Its love in general I dont want, Tate. Ever. Its you specifically that I just … want.
I fall in and out and back in love with that answer.
Im so screwed up. Everything he says should send me running, but instead, it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and give him whatever it is hes willing to take from me. Im lying to him, and Im lying to myself, and Im not doing either of us any good, but I cant stop the words that come out of my mouth.
I can handle this as long as it stays simple, I tell him. When you pull the shit you pulled a few weeks ago by walking away and slamming your door? Thats not keeping it simple, Miles. Things like that make it complicated.
He nods, contemplating what Ive said. Simple, he says, rolling the word around in his mouth. If you can do simple, I can do simple.
Good, I say. And when it becomes too hard for either of us, well end it for good.
Im not worried about it becoming too hard for me, he says. Im worried about it becoming too hard for you.
Im worried about me, too, Miles. But I want the here and now with you a whole lot more than I care about how it will affect me in the end.
With that thought, I suddenly figure out what my one rule is. Hes had his boundaries this entire time, protecting himself from the vulnerability that Ive been subjected to.
I think I finally have my one rule, I say. He looks at me and raises a brow, waiting for me to talk. Dont give me false hope for a future, I say. Especially if you know in your heart well never have one.
His posture immediately stiffens. Have I done that? he asks, genuinely concerned. Have I given you false hope before?
Yes. About thirty minutes ago, when you looked me in the eyes the entire time you were inside me.
No, I say quickly. Just make sure you dont do or say things that would make me believe otherwise. As long as we both see this for what it is, I think well be fine.
He stares at me silently for a while, studying me. Evaluating my words. I cant tell if youre really mature for your age or really delusional.
I shrug, guarding my delusions deep inside my chest. An unhealthy mixture of both, Im sure.
He presses his lips against the side of my head. This feels really fucked up to say out loud, but I promise I wont give you hope for us, Tate.
My heart frowns at his words, but my face forces a smile. Good, I say. You have serious issues that kind of freak me out, and Id much rather fall in love with an emotionally stable man someday.
He laughs. Probably because he knows the odds of finding someone who can put up with this kind of relationship, if you can even call it that, are extremely low. Yet somehow, the one girl who might be fine with it just happened to move in across the hall from him. And he actually likes her.
You like me, Miles Archer.
Corbin found out, I say as I take what has become my usual seat next to Cap.
Uh-oh, he says. Is the boy still alive?
I nod. For now. Not sure how long thatll last, though.
The doors to the lobby open, and I watch Dillon make his way inside. He pulls a hat off his head and shakes rain out of it as he walks toward the elevator.
Sometimes I wish the flights I send up would crash, Cap says, eyeing Dillon.
I guess Cap doesnt like Dillon, either. Im beginning to feel a little bad for Dillon.
He spots us just before he reaches the elevators. Cap is moving to press the up button, but Dillon reaches it before him. Im pretty capable of fetching my own elevator, old man, he says.
I vaguely remember having a brief thought ten seconds ago about Dillon and how I felt sorry for him. I take that thought back now.
Dillon looks at me and winks. What you doing, Tate?
Washing elephants, I say with a straight face.
Dillon shoots me a confused look, not at all understanding my random response.
If you dont want a sarcastic answer, Cap says to him, dont ask a stupid question.
The elevator doors open, and Dillon rolls his eyes at both of us before walking onto the elevator.
Cap cuts his eyes to mine, and he grins. He holds a palm up in the air, and I high-five him.
Chapter twenty-four
MILES
Six years earlier
Why is everything yellow?
My dad is standing in the doorway to Rachels bedroom,
looking at the few items weve collected in the months since
hes known about the pregnancy. It looks like Big Bird threw
up in here.
Rachel laughs. Shes standing at the bathroom mirror, putting
the finishing touches on her makeup. Ive been lying on her
bed, watching her.
We dont want to know if its a boy or a girl, so were buying
gender-neutral colors.
Rachel answers my dads question as if it were one of many,
but we both know its the first. He hasnt asked about the
pregnancy. He doesnt ask about our plans. He usually leaves
the room if Rachel and I are both in it.
Lisa isnt much different. Shes not past the point of
disappointment or sadness yet, so we dont push it. Itll take
time, so Rachel and I are giving that to them.
Right now, Rachel only has me to talk to about the baby, and
I only have her, and even though that seems like too little, its
more than enough for both of us.
How long will the ceremony last? my dad asks me.
No more than two hours, I tell him.
He says we should go.
I tell him that as soon as Rachel is ready, we can go.
Rachel says shes ready.
We go.
Congratulations, I tell Rachel.
Congratulations, she tells me.
We both graduated three hours ago. Now were lying on my
bed, thinking about our next step. Or at least I am, anyway.
Lets move in together, I tell her.
She laughs. We kind of already live together, Miles, she
points out.
I shake my head. You know what I mean. I know we already
have plans for after we start college in August, but I think we
should do it now.
She rises up on her elbow and looks at me, probably trying to
read my expression to see if Im serious.
How? Where would we go?
I reach over to my nightstand and open the top drawer. I pull
out the letter and hand it to her.
She begins reading it out loud.
Dear Mr. Archer,
She looks up at me, and her eyes are wide.
Congratulations on your summer registration. We are pleased
to inform you that your application for family housing has been
processed and approved.
Rachel smiles.
Enclosed you will find a return envelope and the final
paperwork which will need to be returned by the postmarked
date.
Rachel looks at the envelope and quickly flips through the
attached paperwork. She pulls the letter back to the top.
We look forward to receiving the completed forms. Our contact
information is below should you have any questions.