“You can’t blame me for that. Veronica woke me up that night, and when I came back in the room he was just hanging there. Spiders DO NOT work alone. And he was hovering over me, watching me sleep. Who knows what other plans he had in store for me. I bet his friends were just lurking in the corners waiting to pounce on me.”
For several minutes Liz and I argue back and forth about what I like to refer to as “the night I almost got eaten alive by rabid spiders” when Claire suddenly grabs both of our shoulders from the back seat.
“Guys. I think I just saw some guy staring at the car,” she states in a whisper. “Over there behind that bush.”
“Why the f**k are you whispering? He can’t hear you,” Liz scolds.
“Shut the hell up, crotch rot!”
“Oh you did NOT just call me crotch rot, you twat-faced cum dumpster!”
“OH MY GOD! WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! There is a man hiding behind a bush watching us!” I yell in frustration.
Liz and Claire give up on their insults to stare at the bush in question and sure enough, a head peaks out for a quick second and then goes right back into hiding.
“Oh it’s ON now!” Liz says excitedly as she starts digging into her Target bag and scrambling into her black outfit.
“Okay, Jenny, you stay here. Claire and I will sneak out of our side of the car and double back around the building so we can creep up on this douchebag,” Liz explains as she pulls her own black skull cap down low on her head. “How are we going to communicate what’s going on though?”
I reach into my own Target bag that rests on my lap and pull out two walkie-talkies.
“I got these at the store too.”
I hand one to Liz and clutch the other one tightly in my hand while I continue digging through the bag. “I’ve also got mace and a taser.”
I hand the taser to Claire and the mace to Liz.
“Since when do they sell tasers at Target?” Claire asks, leaning forward in between mine and Liz’s seats.
“Oh, they don’t. I actually brought that from home. Drew likes it when I use it on his balls.”
“Fuck, Jenny. Overshare,” Liz complains.
I watch as they quietly and slowly open their doors and slink out of the car. They shut their doors without a sound and crouch down, moving across the parking lot toward the building. I immediately feel nervous and double-check the bush to make sure the guy is still hiding behind it and not paying attention to my friends.
I turn on my walkie-talkie and hold down the talk button.
“Hey,” I whisper. “It’s Jenny.”
I let go of the button and within seconds hear Liz’s voice. “No shit, Sherlock. We just made it to the back of the building,” she says softly, the sounds of her heavy breathing coming through the walkie-talkie. “Don’t watch where we’re going. Don’t act suspicious. Just keep an eye on stalker guy and let us know if he changes position. Over and out Mrs. Pink.”
I stare at the device in my hand in confusion.
“Mrs. Pink?” I ask into the speaker.
“Yes, Mrs. Pink. I’m Mrs. Black, Claire is Mrs. Brown, and you’re Mrs. Pink,” Liz explains.
I hear Claire snatch the walkie-talkie out of Liz’s hand seconds later. “I don’t want to be Mrs. Brown. I want to be Mrs. Pink.”
“Yeah, I don’t get why I’m Mrs. Pink. I don’t even like the color pink,” I complain.
“Ooooh, I like the color pink. I’ll be Mrs. Pink and you can be Mrs. Brown,” Claire tells me.
“No, brown makes me think of poop. I want to be Mrs. Blue. Blue is pretty.”
Suddenly there’s a scuffle and some cursing coming through the speaker.
“You guys are such dicks. We’re not changing secret names. Claire is Mrs. Brown because of chocolate and you’re Mrs. Pink because pink makes me think of victims and now if anyone is on this channel they’re going to know what we’re doing,” Liz explains in irritation.
“So why are you Mrs. Black?” I question.
“Because I’m going to blacken your face if you guys don’t shut the f**k up. We are supposed to be commandeering a suspect, not having a coloring contest.”
I sigh and rest my hand with the walkie-talkie in my lap, glancing out of the car window to see if my stalker is still behind the bush. I can see the bush rustling and what looks like a pair of black boots peeking out from underneath. Suddenly, I see Liz and Jenny running full speed from the other side of the building, straight at the bush. Without thinking, I throw the walkie-talkie onto the passenger seat and scramble out of the car, rushing across the parking lot towards them.
As I’m running, I see Liz dive behind the bush and tackle someone. I can hear Claire screaming at the top of her lungs, aiming her taser at the tangle of arms and legs I see flying out from the edge of the bush.
I finally get close enough to hear what’s going on and see a quick flash of light burst out from the end of the taser followed by a high pitch scream.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU FUCK FACE. YOU JUST TASED ME!” Liz screams at Claire while her body spasms and yet, she still manages to straddle the stalker’s back. She’s got him face-planted into the ground and her elbow wrapped around his neck the whole time the electric voltage from the taser is ripping through her. She’s like Rambo on crack.
“OH MY GOD! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! SHIT!” Claire yells as she yanks the taser back toward her to get it off of Liz.