Big mistake.
Jen’s slouched in her seat, her shoes kicked off, her shirt untucked and a few buttons at the top undone, offering me a teasing glimpse of creamy, golden skin. The tops of her breasts, the white lace of her bra—just seeing that delectable hint of her body makes me break out in a sweat.
I reach over and turn up the air, desperate for some relief.
“I’m freezing,” she murmurs.
I glance in her direction, catch her shivering as she wraps her arms around herself, a weak defense against the blast of cold air. Yeah, she’s wide awake now. “Close the vent,” I suggest, not willing to turn the air conditioner down. I need it to cool down my too heated thoughts.
She does as I tell, her then settles back in her seat. “I can’t believe I slept through practically the entire drive.”
“You were tired.”
“More like stressed.” She curls up in her seat, tucking her legs beneath, her and I’m tempted to tell her that position isn’t very safe, but then I’ll just sound like a naggy old man so I hold myself back. “I can’t believe I have to start this process all over again.”
I stay quiet for a few minutes, navigating the familiar drive through town toward my house. The twilight sky is purple and black, with tiny white stars just starting to twinkle, and all the streetlights flick on, illuminating the road as I speed toward the subdivision.
“You know, I could help you,” I finally say nonchalantly as I turn onto my road. “I plan on opening the Redding location soon. I’ll need someone to assist me and work in the office while I’m gone.”
“No.” Her answer is vehement, downright hostile. She shakes her head. “No way.”
What the ever-loving fuck? “Why the hell not?”
“I refuse to take your handouts any longer.” She sits up straight, uncurling her legs and shoving her feet into those damn sexy high heels. “We’ve had this discussion a million times, Colin. No.”
“And we’ll probably have it a million times more.” I pull into the garage once the door finishes opening and cut the engine, turning to face her. “I don’t know why you won’t take my help any longer. I want to be there for you, Jen. I’m your friend. Let me do this for you.”
“I’m not your charity case, okay?” The words explode from her, shocking the shit out of me, and I lean away from her, my back pressed against the driver’s-side door. “I won’t take your little scraps of help because you feel some sort of twisted guilt over what happened to my brother. Danny’s been dead for two years. Two freaking years. You act like you’re the one who threw the bomb that killed him and I don’t get it!”
I open my mouth, ready to say the same old shit in defense, but she cuts me off, calling me on it.
“I don’t want to hear it. It’ll just be the same thing you always say. That you don’t mind. That you do it for my family, that you do it because of the guilt you carry, which is ridiculous. Save it for someone who’ll actually believe you.”
“I broke promises. To you, to your parents, to your brother. I don’t want to break any more,” I say, but she’s not listening.
Jen pushes open the door and climbs out of the car without another word, slamming the door so hard it reverberates through the garage, rattling the metal doors.
Without thought I climb out of the car and follow her inside, my head pounding, my blood roaring hot and fast through my veins. I try and help her out and she throws my generosity in my face. I’m sick of it. Hell, I’m sick of myself.
I find her in the kitchen, her hands curved around the edge of the granite countertop, her back to me as she hangs her head. She’s kicked off those sexy heels but she’s still tall. I can hear her breathing, feel the tension radiating off of her in palpable waves, and I want to touch her. Comfort her. Draw her into my arms and never let her go.
“You’re not my charity case,” I say softly. Her shoulders tense at my words. “I . . . care for you, Jen. I want to protect you. It tears me up inside when I think about what happened to you, when no one knew where you were.”
She says nothing, just keeps her back to me.
“When you’re hurting, I want to make it better,” I admit. “But every time I open my mouth, I seem to make it worse.”
She releases a shuddering breath before she turns around to face me, her expression unreadable. “You’re not honest with me, that’s why you make it worse. You hold yourself back.”
“I sometimes think you’re not honest with me either.” I clamp my lips shut, unable to go on. I can’t call her out when I hide from her as well. If I were honest, I’d tell her how I really feel.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve pushed aside those I care about to strive for more with my career. I fear I’ve turned into my father.
And no one likes my father.
“Fine. You’re right. I’m not honest. I have my own secrets. That’s why I’m leaving. I’m running away from it all. Not a very responsible, grown-up thing to do, but it’s all I’ve got.” She approaches me slowly, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. The sight of them nearly undoes me but I straighten my spine, stiffen my upper lip, and pretend I’m a f**king statue. “I’m not sure you can handle my secrets. But despite them, I want you, Colin. All of you—your faults and your strengths, the good and the bad, it doesn’t matter. I want it all.”
Her words wash over me like a soothing balm and I feel everything within me loosen. All that tightly coiled-up tension, the anger, the frustration, everything that’s been pent up inside me for what feels like a century just melts at first sight of the glow in her eyes. Those tears are for me. Her pain, her emotions, they’re all for me, and like a complete ass I’ve stomped all over her these last few months.
Hell, the last few years. Ever since I’ve known her, really. I’ve been protective to a fault. Guarding her, watching over her. Losing her . . .
Wanting her. Not allowing myself to have her. Pushing her away, hurting her. Every single damn time.
She deserves better. A man who would have rescued her right away instead of letting her continue to work at a place that dragged her down farther every single day she went there.
“I’m out of here in a few weeks. There’s no going back.” She lifts her chin, determination written all over her sad face. “My leaving is going to happen whether you like it or not. I will make it happen despite all of these recent . . . obstacles. So why can’t you give me a little bit of yourself? That’s all I want, Colin. And then I’ll walk away from you before it gets too complicated. It’s what you want, right? I know you don’t do complicated.”
I don’t do complicated because I saw what happened between my parents, and they’re the worst kind of complicated. No one understands them, least of all me.
Yet with Jen, it’s already complicated before it’s even begun. That’s how bad I have it for her. Once I have her, will I be able to walk away?
I don’t know.
“You’re going to turn me away yet again, aren’t you?” she asks when I don’t say anything. The irritation in her voice rings clear as her entire body goes tense. “I can’t believe it. I offer myself up to you with no strings attached and you’re trying to figure out how to let me down easy. God, I am such a moron!”
Unable to hold myself back, I rush toward her, angry that she would insult herself. Panicked that she really is going to walk away and I’m going to lose my chance. Thinking too much sucks. I need to just let it happen. Take this opportunity that she’s presenting me.
And let her go when our time is up.
“You’re not a moron,” I murmur, reaching for her. I cup her face in my hands and position her so she has no choice but to meet my gaze. I skim my thumbs across her cheeks, feel her shudder at my touch. “You make an offer like that and a man needs to process it first.”
The unshed tears still glimmer in her eyes and one escapes, leaving a damp trail across her skin. Leaning in, I stop its descent with my lips, tasting the salt, hearing the catch in her breath. “We do this and it’s not going to be some half-assed thing, you know,” I whisper.
She closes her eyes, her tears tangled in her long, thick lashes. “What’s it going to be, then?”
“A discovery.” I nuzzle her nose with my own, breathing in her scent, her very essence. God, I could devour her! It’s taking everything within me to keep calm and not unleash all over her. “An exploration.”
“That sounds like . . . research.” Her breath hitches in her throat when I drop a tender kiss on the tip of her nose.
Chuckling, I shake my head. “It’s the farthest thing from research.” I drift my lips across her cheek, blazing a hot path on her petal-soft skin. “You’re right when you said I don’t do commitment. The closest thing I’ve ever been to commitment is . . . what I share with you.”
She tentatively places her hands on my hips, her fingers curling into the waistband of my jeans. Having her hands on me sends little darts of fire throughout my insides, making me harden in an instant. She has no idea what sort of effect she has on me. How much restraint I’m using at this very moment not to throw her over my shoulder like an oversexed caveman and cart her off to my bedroom.
“But it can be no more than friendship with added . . . benefits.” I lift my head so I can look into her troubled gaze. She doesn’t like what I have to say and I don’t like it either, but I have to be honest. Stringing her along and making her believe this is something more is a mistake.
The two of us together would never work. I’m too damn selfish. I’d disappoint her. I’d hold her back when she needs her freedom. I’m not worthy of her. She’s everything sweet and good in my life, where there’s little sweet and good remaining.
I’ve kept her—and our relationship—as pure as possible even after all of these years. With the realization that she’s leaving me, that we’ll never be together again, I need to take my opportunities where I can.
Jen bites her lip and drops her gaze. “I can handle that.”
Her body language is more than telling me she doesn’t really want to handle that, but I can’t worry about it now.
I want her too damn much.
Chapter 11
Jen
What Colin is offering me is exactly what he offers every other woman who’s flitted in and out of his life. A temporary affair, something meaningless and conveniently disposable, since that’s all he can handle.
I’m the one who offered first. I have no one to blame but myself. So for once, I’ll take what I can get and screw the consequences. I want him, any way I can get him. The constant fight, the push-pull between us, has grown old.
My new mantra floats through my mind again and again.
Be free. Let go.
Bracing my hands on his hips, I lift up on tiptoe and brush my mouth against his. The kiss is soft, as chaste as can be, and he holds himself completely still. Almost as if he fears I’ll pull away from him if he makes a sudden move.
But that’s exactly what I want him to do. Make a move. Show that he wants me, anything to get this started between us. It’s been building for so long I’m not quite sure how to approach it.
I sometimes wonder if he pushes me away because I was a stripper. And that’s not even the worst of it. So I must work my hardest to keep my secret to myself. Even Fable doesn’t know the worst of it. No one ever will if I have my choice.
I push all negative thoughts of my recent past aside and kiss him again, my lips moving over his in gentle exploration. They’re soft, full, and damp, and he tastes like absolute heaven. He grabs hold of my waist when I wobble toward him, our chests brushing, and I hear his quick intake of breath. That tiny sound, the way his body tightens completely beneath my grip, fills me with a rush of power that’s positively heady.
He reacts to me. He wants me. Maybe just as bad as I want him.
Without saying a word he grabs hold of my waist, and I gasp when he picks me up and deposits me on the countertop. I’m above him now, though not by much considering he’s so tall. I stare into his eyes, winding my arms around his neck, my fingers sliding into his silky, soft hair. Those gorgeous blue eyes look back at me and I lean down, kissing him again. Groaning when his tongue swipes along my bottom lip, then nips at it with the edge of his teeth. A jolt moves through me at the deliciously sensual contact and I’m instantly hungry for more.
So much more. More than he’ll ever be able to give me. But I can deal with that.
“Open up, Jenny,” he whispers against my mouth, his voice husky and full of promise. No one calls me Jenny anymore. I put a stop to it when I was in the eighth grade, but hearing him say it sends a thrill running down my spine. “Let me in.”
I part my lips at his command and he slides his tongue against mine, the kiss turning instantly hot. Deep. I cling to him as he steps closer to the counter, my knees bracketing his hips, his arms circling around my middle. He splays his big hands across my back, holding me firm as his mouth consumes mine.
This is exactly how I imagined it would be between us. Hot. All-consuming. Overwhelming. I hear muffled whimpers and realize I’m the one who’s making them. An ache has started between my legs while he skims his hands all over me, his mouth fused with mine. I want more. More touching, more kissing, more skin-on-skin contact. We’re trying to get close, closer and closer, and I slide my hand down the wide expanse of his back, slipping my fingers beneath his shirt so I can touch bare, smooth skin.