The look was so odd on her that for a moment, I forgot my protests. They swelled up again in my chest as we pulled into the parking lot of Pete's. She shut the car off and I stared at the familiar black Chevelle. My heart was thudding in my chest.
"I'm scared," I whispered into the silence of the car.
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "I'm here with you, Kiera."
I looked over at her perfectly beautiful face and smiled at the love I saw there. I nodded and jarringly opened the door to step out. She was at my side again almost instantly and holding my hand tightly, she walked me through the inviting double doors.
I didn't know what to expect. A part of me thought everything would somehow be different in my absence, like maybe every wall would be black now, and the cheery lighting would be dull and dingy gray. But I was startled when I stepped through, and saw that everything was exactly the same...even the people.
Rita did a double take when she noticed me, then gave me a suggestive wink and smiled devilishly. Apparently she knew about the affair, and since I'd joined her "I've had sex with Kellan Kyle club", we were now bonded. Kate waved to me from where she was waiting for a drink at the counter, her perfect ponytail bouncing in her happiness. And Jenny was almost instantly in front of me, squeezing me tight and laughing about how good it was to see me out and about...and here. She glanced at the stage when she said that and I shut my eyes to not look. I couldn't stop hearing though; his voice shot right through my core.
Jenny leaned into my ear when she noticed my reaction, and said over the music, "It will be okay, Kiera...have faith." I opened my eyes and stared at her smiling warmly at me. I felt my sister pulling my hand and Jenny, seemingly understanding what Anna was doing, grabbed my other hand. They both started weaving me into the massive crowd that packed Pete's on the weekends, when the band played, and I instinctively tugged against them.
Insistently they dragged me forward, all the way forward. We pushed through the crowd and I kept my eyes focused on my feet, not wanting to look at him yet. It had been so long... It had been even longer since I'd heard his voice though, and it traveled all the way from my ears, down my spine, to the very bottom of my toes.
My breath hitched as the next song started while we inched through the packed bar. It was slow and haunting and dripping with emotion. His voice had an ache to it that seared me. I glanced slyly at the people we were passing, and watched them sing along to the song with solemn faces. They knew it, so it wasn't new. Still not looking at the stage, I let his timbre affect every cell in my body. He was singing about that night in the parking lot, I suddenly realized. He sang of needing me and feeling ashamed for it. He sang of trying to leave me and it breaking him. He sang about crying, as we gave each other our final kiss... Then, the lyrics turned to what he was feeling now.
That's when I looked up at him.
His eyes were closed. He hadn't noticed me approaching him yet. After not seeing him for months, his perfection was almost too much to take in all at once, like I'd go blind if I didn't absorb him in segments. Just the jeans - those perfectly fitted faded jeans that looked a little more worn than usual. Just the basic t-shirt that he preferred to wear - not decorated, not elaborate - simple, black, and perfectly sculpted to him. Just the delightfully toned arms, the left one completely healed and no longer casted, slinking down to strong hands that clutched the microphone while he sang. Just the impossibly sexy and wild hair, a little longer than I remembered it, but still a tousled mess, hinting at multiple past intimacies that rang loudly in my head, and in my body. Just that movie star jaw, that for the first time had light stubble along it, like he'd given up on the task of staying groomed - it only highlighted that strong right angle and made him even more impossibly attractive, crazy as that sounds. Just the full lips, holding no trace of the sexy grin he usually sang with. Just the slope of his nose. Just the perfect cheekbones. Just the long eyelashes of his closed lids, hiding the amazing blueness behind them.
I had to take everything about him in separately at first; he was just too perfect to take in all at once. When I could handle it, I finally noted the fact that the perfection was unmarred. His face was perfectly healed, and no sign of the physical trauma he'd endured was with him. But, looking at that face as a whole, was affecting me in an unexpected way. My breath came in stuttered pulls and my heart squeezed painfully, as Jenny and Anna drew me towards him relentlessly.
His eyes were still closed and his body rocked gently to the music, but his face was almost...desolate. His words matched his face, as he sang about how each day was a struggle, and never seeing my face caused him physical pain. He sang that 'my face was his light, and he felt drenched in darkness without it'. Tears fell freely after I heard that line.
Jenny and Anna successfully pulled me right to a spot in front of him. Some rabid fans didn't like that, but my sister was not one to be messed with, and after some flowery words from her, they left us alone. I barely noticed, as I stared up at his god-like perfection.
Eyes still closed, he sang of being beside me, even if I couldn't see or hear him. He sang of being scared of never again feeling me, never again feeling what we had. A long instrumental section followed his last verse and, eyes still closed, he rocked his head back and forth, biting his lip. Some girls around me screamed at that, but it was so clear to me that he wasn't trying to seduce anyone, he was in pain. I wondered if thoughts of me, of our time together, were flashing before his eyes, like they were flashing before mine.
I wanted to reach my hand out to him, but he was too far away to touch, and Jenny and Anna still had a hold of me, maybe fearing I would bolt. I couldn't move now though. Not when he was filling my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I could only stare at him, enraptured.
I didn't even notice the other members of the band, and I didn't know if they noticed me. I barely noticed the crowd anymore as I watched him, and after another minute, I barely even noticed the feeling of Jenny and my sister's eyes boring into me. Eventually I couldn't even feel their hands anymore, and I didn't even have it in me to wonder if they'd finally let go.
When the instrumental section came to a close, he finally reopened his inhumanly beautiful eyes. He happened to be looking down at me, and my face was the first thing he took in when he opened them. I felt the shock run through his body, even from where I was standing. The deep blue eyes widened and instantly glassed over. His mouth fell open and his body stopped moving. He seemed to be completely thrown, like he'd woken up in a different universe. His eyes locked onto mine, as tears flowed down my cheeks.
He sang the next lyrics with his brows scrunched, like he was sure he was dreaming. The rest of the band was quiet on this section, and his voice rang clearly through the bar, through my soul. He repeated the line about me being his light, a look of reverence on his face. His voice drifted off along with the music, but his look of awe never left him.
I didn't know how to respond, other than with tears. I wiped a few away as I realized that my hands were indeed free. I could understand what Anna had wanted me to see now. That was the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing I'd ever heard; more intense and emotional than anything I'd ever heard him sing. My whole body was buzzing with the need to comfort him. But we were still just staring at each other, him on the stage, and me on the floor in front of it.
The fans stirred with an uneasy energy, as the guys waited for Kellan to signal the next song and he didn't. An unnatural silence filled the bar as we continued our silent stare down. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt lean toward Kellan and whisper something, smacking his arm lightly. Kellan didn't react, just kept staring at me with his mouth open slightly. I was positive several fans were staring and wondering about me, as I had his rapt attention, but I didn't care for once. My only focus was him.
Eventually, Evan's voice broke through the sound system. "Hey, everybody. We're gonna take a breather. Until then...Griffin's buying a round for everyone!" The bar erupted in whooping, as something streaked behind Kellan to where Evan was sitting at his drums. Laughter broke out around me and I barely heard it.
The crowd dispersed a little bit, as three of the D-Bags hopped off the stage and melted into it. Kellan still didn't move though. His brow creased as he regarded me intently and nerves shot through me. Why wasn't he jumping down and scooping me into his arms? His song made it seem like he ached for me...but his actions?
I took a step towards him, determined to be closer, even if I had to jump up on the stage with him. He looked away, out over the thinning crowd, and I watched several emotions pass over his face. It was almost like reading a book: confusion, joy, anger, sorrow, bliss, and then confusion again. Looking down briefly, he sniffed once and then carefully lowered himself to stand before me. My body hummed with the restraint to not touch him. He stepped closer to me and our hands in front of our bodies lightly brushed together. It sent fire through me, and he inhaled sharply.
Looking torn, he gently reached up and stroked a tear off my face with a knuckle. I closed my eyes and a small sob escaped me at the contact. I couldn't even care that I probably looked horrid, my eyes tired and bloodshot from sleepless nights, my hair an unruly mess, even though my sister had attempted to fix it, and still dressed in my "moping" clothes - ratty lounge pants and a torn, long sleeve t-shirt. None of that mattered...because he was touching me, and it affected me, just as it had always affected me. He cupped my cheek and stepped closer to me, our bodies touching now. I brought a hand to his chest and exhaled with relief that his heart was hammering as hard as mine. He was feeling this too.
Then, some of the fans around us seemed to think we weren't having a moment, and they had every right to intrude. I opened my eyes as some girls jostled me. He put an arm around me, to steady me, and stepped us away from the swarm a of couple spaces. Most of the girls acknowledged the retreat and left him alone. A particularly drunk blonde saw it as an opening instead. She aggressively walked up to him and grabbed his face, like she was going to kiss him. Anger flared in me, but before I could even react to her, he leaned back and removed her hands from his face. Then he almost harshly pushed the eager woman away from him.
I turned to stare at him and he looked down at me. I'd never seen him push anyone away, and definitely never that rudely. The girl did not appreciate that. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman narrow hers in drunken anger and swing her hand back for a maneuver that I knew all too well. My hand automatically reached up and grabbed her wrist, right before her hand made contact with his cheek. Kellan startled and looked back at her, seeming to finally understand that he'd just about been slapped again.
The woman dropped her mouth and looked me over with a comically surprised face. I thought she might fight me, but her cheeks suddenly flamed bright red, and she yanked her hand out of my grasp. Looking thoroughly embarrassed about what she'd almost done, she sheepishly backed off and disappeared into the crowd.
I felt Kellan chuckle beside me and I looked back at his small smile and warm eyes. The look had been gone for so long from my life, that I felt an actual pang looking at it. I smiled in kind and his eyes warmed even more. He nodded over at where the girl had disappeared to. "No one gets to smack me, but you?" he asked playfully.
"Damn straight," I said, blushing furiously at my curse. He chuckled again and shook his head adorably. Bringing seriousness back to my voice, I quietly said, "Can we go somewhere without so many...admirers?"
Seriousness marked his face too and he slinked down to grab my hand. He deftly led us through the remaining fans, and pulled us into the hallway. Nerves flashed through me as I started wondering if he'd pull me into the backroom. Too many memories were in there. It was too secluded, too quiet. There was too much heat between us. Too much could happen in that room, and we had too many things to talk over.
Maybe he felt my reluctance, maybe he understood that we needed to talk, maybe he'd never intended to lead me in there - whatever his reason, he stopped in the hallway, well before the door, and I leaned against the wall in relief and confusion.
He stood in front of me, his hands loose at his sides and his eyes traveling the length of me. I felt heated under his intense gaze. Eventually his eyes stopped on my necklace, his necklace, and with shaking fingers, he reached out to touch it. One of his fingers brushed my skin as he felt the cool metal, and I closed my eyes.
