I lied down on the couch to ponder it...and didn't wake up until it was time to catch the bus for work. Oops, so much for school today. I needed to be more careful, or I was going to lose my precious scholarship. Luckily, I was still very good at schoolwork, even if I was slacking off on attendance.
Jenny pulled me aside as I came into Pete's awhile later. "So, you and Kellan...?"
I smiled and wiped away a sudden tear. He hadn't come home in time to give me a ride to work, and I already missed him. "He's in love with me, Jenny...deeply in love." To the bottom of his soul deep. To the, 'I've never felt this for anyone' deep. It was overwhelming to think about.
She hugged me. "I'm glad he told you...you should know the truth. You should make an informed decision."
I pulled back and stared at her, terrified. "What do I do? I love Denny. I can't bear hurting him. I can't bear hurting Kellan either. I don't know what to do?"
She sighed and patted my arm. "I can't tell you that, Kiera. You have to figure it out on your own." She looked over at some customers just sitting down in her section and made a step towards them before stopping and looking back at me. "You do have to choose though." She smiled reassuringly and patted my back as she walked away.
Kellan didn't come in that night. He didn't come home that night. That was when worry settled in on me. When that cycle repeated the next night , that was when panic settled in on me. When the cycle repeated yet again the next night , that was when despair settled in on me.
Four achingly long days went by without a trace of him...
Every morning, I came downstairs, expecting to find Kellan sitting at the table, looking flawless and drinking his coffee, greeting me with a sexy half-smile and a 'Mornin'. But every morning, he wasn't there, and tears filled my eyes at his absence. Before school, I would grab his band's t-shirt (that I still never wore) and held it tight to me, breathing in his scent, wondering where he was and what he was doing. Every night that I worked, I waited impatiently for the band to stroll in, and every night, Matt and Griffin would walk in, disagreeing about something, but never with Kellan. At night, I would get up after Denny fell asleep and lie on his empty bed, clutching his pillow.
Panic flared in me. Did he leave? Was that his solution? To just skip town and run away without me? I couldn't even ask the band where he was. I couldn't form the words around them, and they never talked about him...not once. I felt empty without him.
Every day, I sank more and more into a melancholy depression. I was cooler to Denny. He tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work. He tried to get me to talk to him, but that didn't work either. He tried to kiss me, and I'd turn away after a brief obligatory peck. Eventually my mood seeped into him, and he stopped trying to please me. There was no point at trying to anyway. Nothing was going to please me. Denny never directly asked the reason for my mood though...not once. It was almost like he was afraid to ask, which was good, because I was afraid of him asking.
It was a dreary Friday morning when I glumly kissed Denny goodbye for work. My kiss was automatic and had no feeling behind it. He looked at me sadly and swallowed. I tensed, waiting for the questioning words that would slice me open.
"Kiera...I...I love you." He ran a finger down my cheek tenderly, and I could see his eyes glisten. I knew he felt our distance, I felt it too.
"I love you too, Denny," I whispered, begging my eyes to not well up. He leaned in and kissed me tenderly, running his fingers back through my hair.
I brought my hands along his jaw, trying to ignore my disappointment that his had a light hairline, and wasn't smooth like Kellan's. I ran my hands through his hair, trying to not care that his was shorter, and I couldn't curl it around my fingers like Kellan's. I intensified our kiss, willing my breath to quicken, willing for his lips, so different from Kellan's, to thrill me, willing our old passion to spark. It didn't.
He pulled away after a moment, his breath as slow and relaxed as mine. "I have to go...I'm sorry." His sad eyes watched me for a second, and then he turned and left. I couldn't hold back the few tears that spilt down my cheeks. Was it too late for us?
Kellan had been gone for so long, my need for him was so great, my grief so strong, that it felt like a hole had been punched straight through my stomach. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was choking the life out of Denny's and my relationship. I just didn't know how to stop it. He had just left...disappeared. I'd had no time to prepare, no final goodbye...no closure. It was killing me.
I sullenly made my way upstairs to the bathroom, to get ready for school. My world may be ending, but life drudgingly continued. I dressed. I brushed my hair. I put on makeup. I did all the things expected of me to look normal for a normal day of school...and I hated every second of it. I wanted to curl up on my bed and sob for hours. Sob over missing Kellan. Sob over what Denny and I had become. I exhaled loudly and swallowed back the threatening tears.
Yes, he was gone...deal with it, I berated myself. He was right to leave. Eventually things will get easier. Maybe Denny will never ask...if Kellan never comes back.
I opened the door slowly with that painful thought in my head, and then stopped breathing. Kellan was just climbing up the top step, his eyes on the floor. He looked up when he heard the door and slowly smiled a heart stopping half-grin. He was spectacular. Nearly a week without seeing him had softened my memory of just how attractive he was. His hair, wavy and wild, was just begging for my fingers to run through it. The enticing way his long-sleeved t-shirt clung to his body, was just asking for my fingers to trace every amazing line. His smooth, strong jaw, was an open invitation for my lips, and his full lips, curled in a smile, were still keeping my breath at bay. But most amazing of all - his impossibly deep blue eyes, glowing with love and adoration...for me.
"Mornin'," he said softly, in his typical greeting.
I ran over to him as he started walking towards me, and threw my arms around him. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and let the tears I had been holding back flow. "I thought you left." I managed between sobs, while he pulled me tight against him. "I thought I'd never see you again."
He rubbed my back while I cried. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I didn't mean to hurt you. I needed...to take care of something," he whispered comfortingly.
Pulling back, I smacked him in the chest. "Don't ever do that again!" He smiled and put a hand on my cheek. "Don't leave me like that..." I let the thought trail off as I gazed at his suddenly pained eyes.