Thoughtless - Page 61/82

I giggled in remembered embarrassment.

He closed his eyes and lightly shook his head. "That first time, I held you for hours afterwards...just feeling your warmth, your breath on my skin." He opened them and looked at my again startled face. "You said my name once while you slept. That made me feel...well, it was almost as good as the sex." He grinned devilishly and I laughed, feeling my face heat.

He sighed and looked away from me. "I wish I had been strong enough to stay...but I wasn't. I chickened out. I couldn't tell you what I had just figured out." He looked back to me with wistful eyes. "That I desperately loved you."

I curled my fingers through the back of his hair, wishing I had something profound to say. "Kellan...I..."

He continued, not letting me finish the thought I didn't have any way. "I wanted to leave when you went back to him. After having you...it was so hard to watch you with him. To watch you love him, how I wanted you to love me. It made me so angry. I'm so sorry."

I felt my eyes water as I remembered that time, and hugged him tight against me. I hadn't known. I had assumed I was just another conquest to him. I had hurt him...deeply. "I'm the one who's sorry, Kellan..." My voice trailed off.

He sighed and smiling, looked down. "And then, when I finally got the strength to leave...you asked me to stay, and I got my hopes up. I started to believe that maybe...at the very least, you cared for me." He looked at me crookedly for a second. "You seemed to really want me to stay."

My face heated in embarrassment at just how "badly" I had wanted him to stay. He smiled at my reaction and then his face smoothed into seriousness. "You probably didn't hear me, but I told you I loved you that night. I couldn't seem to stop it from slipping out."

"Kellan, I-"

He interrupted me. "Then you cried for Denny, and I wanted to die again." I felt more tears drip down my cheeks, at hurting him, yet again. He watched my tears thoughtfully. "That night was so...intense for me. I wanted so badly to hold you after, but you were so upset...you looked ill." He swallowed a lump in his throat. "I made you feel ill. You hated what we had done, and it had meant so much to me." He peered at me from the corner of his eye, as he nearly looked away. "I hated you after that," he whispered.

More tears fell on my cheeks, and I sniffled a bit. He sighed and fully looked away. "I almost left that night. I wanted to..." He turned to look back at me, and grabbed my cheeks softly with his hands. His expression softened and his eyes gazed into mine adoringly. I felt my eyes dry up, watching his perfect face stare at me. "I couldn't leave you. I remembered the look on your face, when I told you I was leaving. No one's looked at me that way before. No one's ever cried for me before. No one's asked me to stay before...no one. I convinced myself you cared for me." He shook his head lightly and smiled. "I knew then, that I would stay with you...even if it killed me."

He pulled me to him for a deep kiss. I eagerly kissed him back, wanting to make up for hurting him, in some small way. When I was nearly breathless, he pulled away and grabbing my hand, we started walking again.

He looked over to me as we walked stories above the peaceful-looking city below. "I am sorry about being so...amorous with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I simply...wanted you." He smiled crookedly at me, making me miss a step. He laughed softly and continued. "When you asked, I did try to keep it...well, you had to know on some level that we were never innocent, right?" He looked over at me with an eyebrow raised, and I grudgingly nodded. He smiled. "Well, I tried to keep it less...sinful then."

He glared down at me. "You made that shockingly hard to do."

"Me?" I asked, confused. He was the absurdly sensual one.

He shook his head in mock exasperation. "Yes, you. If you weren't dressed provocatively, or throwing yourself on me provocatively, or..." he grinned at me indecently, "making very provocative noises..." I blushed very deeply and he laughed. "If you weren't doing all that, then you were simply just too adorable to resist." He glared at me again. "I am only a man after all."

I shook my head at him. I hadn't done any of those things, well, except for the unfortunate noises part. "You're absurd, Kellan." I rolled my eyes and he laughed charmingly.

"Again...you don't realize how attractive you are to me." He grinned mischievously. "After all this time, I would think that was painfully obvious," he murmured, and I playfully elbowed him. He laughed, then more seriously said, "I am sorry, I took it too far." I looked up into his suddenly sad again eyes as we continued walking. "I should have let you end it...you were right to stop it. Everything that happened later was my fault. I should have let you go. I just, couldn't..."

"Kellan, no, it-"

He interrupted me again. "The club, that was...intense. I wanted you so bad, and you wanted me too. I considered pulling you into a bathroom and taking you right there. I think you may have even let me?" He looked down at me, and I could only nod speechlessly; he could have taken me anywhere. He started to smile, but frowned instead. "I saw Denny coming. I couldn't do it. I pushed you away, praying desperately, that you would tell him you wanted me. That you would choose to leave with me. You...didn't, and it killed me."

I stopped walking again and he took a step, then slowly turned to look back at me. He looked hurt again. I stepped up to him and put a hand on his cheek. How badly had I repeatedly hurt him? I felt horrible inside.

He gazed at me, lost in the memory. "I couldn't even come home. I took your sister to Griffin's. I think I bored her. I wasn't much fun, moping on the couch all night like I did. Eventually, she gave up on me and turned her attention to Griffin." He shrugged. "And well, you know how that ended."

I swallowed roughly. I had assumed so much that was not true about that night.

"I was...I am, really freaked out about what happened...in the car," he said quietly. "What I said. What I did. I didn't know you thought I slept with Anna, until that moment, and I was so angry at you for...Denny, I let you believe it. I...embellished it." He looked down, embarrassed. "Being angry with you, almost made me want you even more."

I had to swallow three times, before I could speak. "Kellan...you have no idea how difficult that was for me. How hard that was to ask you to stop, when my whole body was begging for you not to." I stroked his cheek and considered kissing him, when he swallowed roughly.

"You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself. I wasn't lying, about what I had been thinking." I swallowed nosily at the look on his face, and remembered what he had crassly said to me. He watched my face intensely. "Do you think less of me now?"

Stubbornly, I shook my head and he sighed and looked away. "I'm so sorry I yelled at you, Kiera." His eyes glistened as he faced me again, and I ran my hand back through his hair.

Swallowing loudly, I found my voice again. "I know you are sorry...I remember."

"Ah, yes, me sobbing like a baby...not my finest hour." He tried to look away again, but I brought my hand back to his cheek and made him look at me.

"I disagree. If you hadn't, if I hadn't seen that remorse, I probably would never have spoken to you again."

He spoke very softly, "It wasn't just remorse. True, I felt horrible for speaking to you like that...but mostly, I was sure that I had just completely severed the only loving relationship I've ever had. I knew I'd lost you. I knew you were completely Denny's then. I saw it in your eyes, and I knew I'd never have a chance with you - none." A tear did finally escape his eye then, and I brushed it aside with my thumb. "I never expected you to...comfort...me. No one's ever done that...ever. You don't know how much that meant to me."

He swallowed roughly again, and again I thought to kiss him, but he pulled back a little and stared at me intently. "I was so scared to be near you after that. I allowed myself one last goodbye with you in the kitchen, but I didn't want to touch you anymore." He scanned my eyes, like he was searching for forgiveness in them. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I needed to be distracted from you, to make sure I never took things so far again." He pulled my hand off his cheek and looked away, out over the city again. The lights sparkled in his still overly moist eyes. "I'm so sorry about all the women, Kiera. I never should have hurt you like that. I didn't want to...well, maybe a part of me did. I just-"

I interrupted him. "You don't...you already apologized for that, Kellan."

"I know." He looked back to me, another tear threatening to spill. "I just really feel like I messed up. But, you didn't want me, in the same way that I wanted you...and I couldn't bring myself to leave you anymore. I did the only thing I knew, that I've ever known, for blocking out the pain." He shook his head remorsefully, and the tear fell down his cheek. "To feel...wanted," he whispered.

"Women," I stated, watching pain flash through his features.

"Yeah." His face looked bleak and desolate, like he had just confessed to multiple murders, and not being a single guy who slept around with perfectly willing women.

"Lots and lots of women." I added a note of sarcasm, hoping to lighten his mood.

"Yeah...I'm sorry." He did fractionally raise his lips in a smile.

"It's okay. Well, it's not okay, you still shouldn't use people...but, I think I understand."

He looked up at me from under his eyebrows, an adorable expression of hope on his face. I couldn't resist anymore, I leaned up and kissed him for a moment.

"So..." he asked, pulling away, all too soon.

"What?" I asked, confused and mildly irritated. I wasn't done kissing him. I didn't think I'd ever be done kissing him.

He half-smiled in a charming way. "Was I right? Did you use me?"

"Kellan..." Guilt flashed through me, and I looked away.

His smile left him and he very seriously said, "It's okay if you did, Kiera. I just, I would like to know."

I sighed. "I have always felt...something for you, but...yes, the first time I did use you, and I'm so sorry, that was incredibly wrong of me. If I'd have known that you loved me, I never would have-"

"It's okay, Kiera."

"No, it's not," I whispered, and then softly added, "The second time, I didn't. That had nothing to do with Denny. That was about us. That was real. Every touch after that, was real."

"That's surprisingly good to hear," he whispered, not looking at me, but smiling softly, and then suddenly he frowned. "You should be with Denny...not me. He's a good man."

"You're a good man too," I said, searching his perfect, but still frowning face.

He shook his head lightly and I ran my fingers through his hair and sighed. "Don't let our relationship, make you think that you're a bad person. You and I are...complicated."

"Complicated..." He repeated, cupping my cheek and running his thumb along my cheekbone. "I suppose we are." He dropped his hand. "That's my fault-"

I cut him off with, "Don't, Kellan. I'm just as culpable as you. I've made mistakes..."

"But," he started to interrupt.

"No, we both messed this up, Kellan. It takes two to...you know. I wanted you just as badly as you wanted me. I needed you as much. I wanted to be near you just as much. I wanted to touch you as much. I care for you..." I couldn't quite finish that thought, and I let it hang in the air between us, unfinished.

Tears welled in his eyes again. "I've never been very clear with you. Maybe, if I had just told you that I loved you from the beginning? I'm so sorry, Kiera. I hurt you, so many times. There's so much I wish I could take back. I-"

I stopped him with a deep kiss. I understood better now. It still hurt, but I could see just how badly I had hurt him as well. He did the only thing he knew how to do, to cope with his pain. Right or wrong, it was all he knew. He brought his hand to my cheek again and returned my kiss just as deeply, both of us forgetting for a moment, our emotional conversation.