The next morning, I corned Kellan in the kitchen as he was pouring his coffee.
"Morn-"
I immediately cut off his adorable greeting, still irritated about the car ride yesterday. "You... " I put a finger on his chest, which made him smile charmingly as he put the coffee pot back, "...need to back off!"
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into an embrace. "I haven't done anything to you...recently," he said innocently.
I tried to push away from his embrace but he held me tight. "Uhhh...this?" I tried to indicate his arms around me, but couldn't move very well.
He laughed and kissed my jaw. "We do this all the time. Sometimes we do more..."
Irritated, I pulled back and spat out in a horribly flustered tone, "The car?"
He laughed harder. "That was all you. You were getting all...excited on me, just sitting there." He squatted slightly to look me in the eye. "Was I supposed to just ignore that?" I blushed furiously; he was right about that. I sighed noisily and looked away from him.
He laughed softly at my reaction. "Hmmm...do you want me to stop?" While he spoke he ran his fingers lightly from my hair to my cheek, down my neck, between my breasts, and down my waist to rest at my jeans. He grabbed the edge and pulled my hips towards him a little.
Instantly and annoyingly, my body reacted - my breathing increased, my heartbeat spiked and I closed my eyes, willing myself to not turn towards his lips. "Yes," I said breathlessly, wondering if I was answering his question correctly.
"You don't seem so sure...do I make you uncomfortable?" His voice was husky and enticing, and I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to see his expression. His fingers were now lightly tracing my waistband, one finger on the inside, barely brushing against my skin.
"Yes." My head was spinning...what did he ask me?
He leaned over to whisper in my ear, "Do you want me inside you again?"
"Yes..." I blurted out my answer before the question had even registered in my head. His fingers stopped moving. My eyes snapped open at my mistake and locked on to his surprised face. "No! I meant no!" He half-smiled and looked like he was going to break out laughing at any second as he tried to keep his face composed.
Anger burned through me. Great, now I've led him on even more and managed to make myself look like an idiot, all at the same time. "I meant no, Kellan."
He did let one laugh escape. "Yes, I know - I know exactly what you meant." I roughly pushed him away and went back upstairs. That had not gone well at all.
That afternoon, I had a few hours to kill after school before Denny came home from work. I was desperately tired. I hadn't been sleeping well. Denny and Kellan and guilt and passion...all of it kept spinning through my head, making sleep nearly impossible. If something didn't change soon, I was going to implode from the stress. I was sitting in the middle of the couch staring blankly at the television, lost in these deep thoughts, when I felt the cushion beside me compress. Knowing who it was, I instinctively tried to stand without even looking his way. He grabbed my arm however and pulled me back down. I looked over at a very amused Kellan. He grinned widely at my reluctance to sit next to him. I was too tired for this right now...
Irritated at his grin, I stubbornly stayed put on the couch, crossing my arms across my chest. He softened his smile while he gazed at me and I looked away. Feeling his arms wrap around my shoulders, I stiffened but refused to pull away, not wanting to amuse him anymore today. This morning's embarrassment was still fresh in my head. Gently, he started pulling me down to his lap.
Shocked, and angry at his seemingly crude innuendo, I jerked away and glared icily at him. He startled in surprise, furrowing his brow before relaxing and laughing at my reaction. He pointed to his lap. "Lie down...you look tired." He raised an eyebrow at me and smiled suggestively. "But if you wanted to, I wouldn't stop you."
I frowned, embarrassed at my assumption, and elbowed him in the ribs for his comment. He grunted and laughed again. "So stubborn..." he mocked, as he pulled me down into his lap again.
Still feeling foolish about what I had thought he had wanted me to do, I let him lie me down. He gazed at me as I flopped down onto my back. He was quite comfortable and I was extremely tired. He lightly stroked my hair, nearly instantly relaxing me.
"See...that wasn't so bad, was it?" His blue eyes watched me, almost wistfully. He gazed at me in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?"
I immediately tensed, but nodded. He watched his fingers running through my hair as he asked, "Was Denny the only man you'd been with?"
Irritation flashed through me. Why would he want to know that? "Kellan, I don't see how that's..."
His gaze met mine and he cut me off. "Just answer the question." His eyes were almost sad, his voice soft with some emotion.
Confused, I answered without thinking about it. "Yes...until you, yes. He was my first..."
He nodded, considering that while continuing to stroke my hair. I felt like I should blush or be embarrassed, answering such a personal question, but I wasn't. I suppose there wasn't much about my body that Kellan didn't either already know, or could correctly guess.
"Why would you want to know that?" I asked softly.
He stopped playing with my hair for a moment, and then he continued, smiling softly, but not speaking. Silently he kept stroking my hair and eventually, I relaxed again. He seemed lost in thought, just gazing at me and smiling softly. I was suddenly struck with a flood of memories of being with him innocently like this while Denny had been away. The sweetness of that time brought tears to my eyes as I gazed up at him.
He frowned slightly and wiped away a tear. "Am I hurting you?" he asked softly.
"Daily..." I said, equally as soft.
He was silent for a few minutes, and then finally he spoke softly again, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm sorry."
Confused, I blurted out, "Then why are you? Why don't you leave me alone?"
He frowned again. "Don't you like this...being with me? Even...just a little?"
My heart hurt a little at that all-too confusing question. Finally I decided to just tell him the truth. "Yes, I do...but I can't. I shouldn't. It's not right...to Denny."
He nodded, still frowning. "True..." he sighed and stopped stroking my hair. "I don't want to hurt you...either of you." He was silent for several minutes, looking thoughtfully at me. I couldn't speak. I could only watch him, watch me. Finally he said, "I'll leave it at this. Just flirting. I'll try not to be inappropriate with you." He sadly sighed. "Just friendly flirting, like we used to..."
I startled at that. "Kellan, I don't think we should even...not since that night. Not since we've..."
He smiled, perhaps as the memory flooded through him, like it had just flooded through me, and stroked my cheek. "I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you." He suddenly smiled wickedly and my heart rate spiked again at his raw sex appeal. "Or, I could just take you right here on the couch." I stiffened on his lap and he sighed. "I'm joking, Kiera."
"No, no you're not, Kellan. That's the problem. If I said okay..."
He smiled charmingly. "I would do, whatever you asked," he whispered.
I swallowed and looked away, not entirely comfortable with this conversation. He ran a finger down my cheek, down my neck, along my collar bone and back down my waist. My breath quickened and I looked back at him sharply.
"Oops... sorry." He grinned sheepishly. "I will try..."
He went back to safely stroking my hair and eventually the repetitive motion lulled me to sleep. I woke hours later in my room, tucked under the covers. I prayed I was dressed and felt much to my relief that I was. He wanted to still flirt with me, but nothing more? Was he capable of that? Was I? Was that betraying Denny...if it was just innocent? I wasn't sure if it was possible, but, lying on the couch with him brought back so many wonderful memories of the way we used to be. If we could somehow get that back? The thought of freely touching him again gave me such a thrill though, that it concerned me.
Denny walked into the bedroom as I was still considering Kellan and his flirting idea. I startled a bit at seeing him, still lost in my thoughts and not realizing what time it was, as I lay in bed. He looked over at me quizzically as he slipped off his shoes and stripped off his dress shirt.
"What are you doing?" he asked, with a small grin and a twinkle in his eye as he put on a more comfortable t-shirt.
Normally the sight of him changing, and the look he'd just given me, would have made me smile, but with where my thoughts had been, I actually blushed. It was an odd reaction for me to have towards him and he furrowed his brow as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"You okay?" He placed a hand on my forehead and then brushed aside some hair from my face. "Are you not feeling well again?"
The move was so tender that it relaxed me and I sat up in bed and slung my arms around his neck. I sighed and clung to him a little tighter than normal. He rubbed my back and held me just as tight. "I'm fine...just napping."
He pulled back to look at me lovingly and that was when I noticed how tired he looked. "Are you okay?" A slight panic went through me, but I pushed it back forcefully.
He sighed and shook his head. "Max. God, he's an idiot, Kiera. If his uncle didn't own the place, there's no way he would work there. They're doing this campaign for this retailer who-" He cut himself off and shook his head again. "Ugh, I don't even want to think about it again." He ran a hand down my hair and brought me in for a sweet kiss. "I just want to think about you..."
I ran a hand back through his hair as our kiss deepened a bit. He pulled back after another minute. "Are you hungry? If you want to stay and rest awhile longer, I'll make us something to eat."
Smiling at his sweet offer, I ran a hand down his cheek. "No, I'll come down with you." He grabbed my hands and smiling, helped me to my feet. I watched the darkness of his hair and the nice shape of his body as I followed him down the stairs. How could I have ever been unfaithful to him? He was amazing. I swallowed the lump and reminded myself that it wasn't going to happen again. I would never betray him again. Kellan had agreed to back off. Kellan and I were going back to our friendship. Everything would be fine.
I decided to lie on the couch, and eventually the sounds of Denny making dinner lulled me into sleep. Great, I thought hazily before I let go, I'm never going to sleep tonight now. I was woken up by a pair of soft lips. Panic shot through me, as for a split second of sleep induced delirium - I had no idea whose lips they were. My hand had automatically gone to the face however and at feeling the light hairline, I relaxed. Denny. That's right. I had the night off from work, Denny was home from his long day, and Kellan was playing with the D-Bags at Razors. They were probably already there, relaxing before the show.
Since I was never one to not take advantage of alone time with him in the past, he was...um, ready for me. It felt odd to me at first, because we hadn't been together since my betrayal with Kellan, and I still felt so guilty, but after a few deep kisses on the couch and his hand slipping under my jeans, I let go of my guilt and enjoyed every inch of this beautiful, beautiful man.
The wonderful dinner he had prepared, was cold by the time we got around to eating it.
Chapter 11
The Rules
I slept soundly that night, once I finally fell back asleep after my multiple naps throughout the day. Apparently the stress of never knowing what Kellan was going to do to me, and the guilt that came with it, had been the cause of my insomnia. Now that I knew how he was going to touch me and how he was not going to touch me, I felt good again. Maybe we could reclaim our friendship? Maybe I could stop betraying Denny? I could never undo what we had already done to him, and I would forever carry the guilt of that, but knowing that I wouldn't be adding any more guilt, made me practically giddy as I came down the stairs very early the next morning.
