‘But I love you.’
The grip on my bag tightens until my fingers are numb. I’m seriously losing the plot. I walk past him and quickly make my way downstairs.
‘Ava!’
I ignore him and keep going. The anger bubbling inside me has shocked me as much as it’s shocked Jesse. This is past controlling. This is unforgivable. I don’t want a baby.
‘Ava, stay. I’ll do anything.’ His heavy footsteps are close behind me, but he’s nude, and as much as I know that he has no shame, I know he wouldn’t run out in public completely naked.
When I reach the door, I turn to face him. ‘You’ll do anything?’
‘Yes. You know that.’ His terrified face nearly makes me throw my arms around his big shoulders. Even now, when he’s confessed to sealing my pills, I’m struggling not to fall into his arms. But if I let this one go, then I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of manipulating. I can’t do that. We need some time apart. This is too intense, and perhaps I should have thought about that before I married him, but it’s too late now. I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.
‘Then you’ll give me some space.’
I walk out.
Chapter 7
Kate’s not at home, so I let myself in and make my way upstairs to my old room. After sitting on the bed for an eternity and ignoring Massive Attack’s Angel, I finally drag myself up and have a long shower. Under the hot spray, I soap everywhere, running the sponge absentmindedly all over my body and pausing when I reach my stomach. I feel devoid of any emotion. There are no natural motherly instincts in me that make me want to caress my tummy. I’ve never given motherhood a second thought. I’m too young, and I have a flourishing career to concentrate on. This life changing decision shouldn’t be made for me. He had no right to do this. But he had no right to claim me so aggressively, yet he did. He has no right to dictate what I wear, but he does. And he has no right to trample all over my life with his overbearing, unreasonable and challenging ways… but he does. And I let him. I fight him on many things, but he mostly gets his way. Not on this, though. I have accepted many things where Jesse is concerned, but I realise now that I absolutely cannot accept this. And I won’t.
I remove myself from the shower and dry myself off before crossing the landing to my room. Looking down at my phone, I see just one missed call since I last cleared the screen. I’m surprised, but then it vibrates in my hand. It’s a text message.
I can’t be without you Ava.
I sigh midland shake my head, but I don’t reply because I really don’t know what to say.
I don’t bother drying my hair or putting on lotion. I throw on a baggy t-shirt and some sweatpants, and crawl into the cold sheets of my old bed. It’s hard, it’s lumpy and it hasn’t got Jesse in it, but I’m on my own, and it’s where I need to be right now.
* * *
I wake up to shouting—very loud shouting. It’s quite dark, the only light a soft glow from the glass panel above my bedroom door. Pulling the sheets back, I slip out of bed and pad across my room, opening the door quietly.
‘I said it’s over!’ Kate screams. ‘This isn’t going anywhere!’
Oh shit, I shouldn’t be listening to this, but my curiosity is getting the better of me. I can see Kate’s back down the hallway, and I pray the next person who I’m going to see will be Dan. But it’s not. It’s Sam. My already aching heart takes a further nosedive for my troubled best friend. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.
‘Kate, come on.’ Sam’s voice is beseeching, and a little confused, which tells me he has no idea why Kate is finishing their relationship.
Relationship seems like a pretty strange word to use to describe their set-up, but past all of the jokes and casualness, is a connection I’ve never witnessed with Kate and a man. Not even with my brother. If they could get past all things Manor-ish, then I know they would be perfect for each other. I could kill my brother. And I could kill Kate for being so stupid.
‘Just go, Sam.’ She stomps off across the landing, straight into the kitchen where she’s obviously opening and slamming every cupboard door in sight. Then I see Sam follow her in.
‘What’s brought all this on?’ he asks, ‘What’s changed?’
‘Nothing!’ There’s a collection of further bangs before she’s coming back out of the kitchen and marching into the lounge. I catch a glimpse of her pale face, looking no brighter than this morning. Her red hair is still dull and scrapped into a ponytail. I know that expression. That’s her stubborn, I’m-not-being-honest face. I could throttle the stupid cow. Now I want Sam to leave so I can let loose on my wilful friend.
‘Obviously something has!’ Sam almost laughs, but it’s a nervous laugh. It’s a laugh that clearly indicates worry. This just confirms my thoughts. Sam really does like Kate. A lot.
‘Just go.’ she spits shortly.
‘No! Not until you tell me what the f**k is going on!’
I can’t see them, so I creep out quietly, scolding myself for being so nosey, but I need to hear this because I’m just as intrigued as Sam. I suspect I know, which is just spiking my already fraying patience.
‘I don’t owe you an explanation.’
He laughs properly this time. ‘Yes, I think you do!’
I catch a glimpse of Sam trying to hold Kate in place, but the stubborn cow just shrugs him off. ‘No, I don’t. We were f**king, nothing more. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m bored now.’ Her cold words slice through me, so I can only imagine what they’ve done to Sam.