Alec seemed oblivious to what he did to my body by lying next to me. His apparent lack of interest had me second-guessing what I had tried to convince myself all the touches and overprotectiveness throughout the day meant. To him, I was a buddy to hang with and talk sports, nothing more. He kept a running commentary through the game, munching on the chocolate chip cookies he had snagged from the lobby. Basically, he seemed to be having a grand old time. I, on the other hand, was in confusion hell.
When the game came to an end, a sudden awkwardness entered my mind as I wondered whether he would leave for his room. I hated the idea of being alone, but had no idea how to ask him to sleep with me, or sleep next to me would be the better way to put it. It was irrational. Eventually I would have to be alone again. Just not here. I wanted to curse the son of a bitch who had put me in this position, but I didn't want to work myself up and cry again in front of Alec.
Saving me the embarrassment of asking, he took the matter out of my hands and slid under the blanket, making himself comfortable. I looked down at him gratefully, hiding a smile as I slid down on my own pillow. He didn't ask if he could stay, and obviously I didn't object. It was nice to have him there.
He reached over and switched off the light once we were both settled. Following his lead, I turned off the television, plunging the room into darkness.
I became hyperaware of a couple of things at once. With the exception of the previous night, which didn't count because he hadn't actually confirmed whether he slept next to me, this was the first time I'd ever slept with a man. I had always envisioned this moment coming after a long night of passionate lovemaking, after which I would fall asleep in the arms of the man who had finally taken my virginity.
The way we both laid like statues was nothing like I had imagined. It was like we had an invisible line down the center of the mattress that neither of us wanted to cross. Even our breathing was quiet and slow so as not to disturb the other. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought he had somehow slithered out of bed without me feeling it and snuck next door to his room without saying anything. I wanted to inch my hand over to check, but I clenched it into a fist and fought the urge. Instead, I tried focusing on his breathing over the sound of the air conditioner that I wished would cycle off so I could hear better.
My eyelids became heavy as I waited. I struggled to keep them open. Only when I heard the deep rumble of snoring did I smile with relief and allow myself to succumb to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
A scream tearing through my throat woke me several hours later. Before it had even ended, I was embraced by a pair of comforting, familiar arms. I tried to pull myself from the grips of fear that had followed me out of the dream that was already fading. I couldn't even remember what had frightened me, but it was enough to give me the shakes upon awaking. Grateful for the protective cage Alec's arms provided, I snuggled closer.
"Are you okay?" He stroked a hand gently up and down my back. "It must have been quite a nightmare."
I nodded against his chest. It had been a nightmare, but the only detail I could remember was the bone-crushing fear that had wrapped around me like a trap.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He moved his hands in small massaging circles down my back.
I shook my head, though it was too dark for him to see my response. I nestled in closer, relieved when the last of the shakes left me. "I honestly don't remember what it was about," I finally answered against his neck. "I just remember being more scared than I've ever been."
His hand paused at my words as he shifted his body slightly. Suddenly, I became aware of just how close we were. My breasts were pressed against the hard planes of his chest while my face was tucked into the crook of his neck. It was the bottom half of my body, though, that had changed the dynamics of our embrace. Our legs had somehow become intimately tangled together, and there was no way he could hide how hard he had become. A delicious heat traveled through me, relishing in the fact that the desire I felt for him was indeed not one-sided. A steady throbbing at the junction of my legs begged me to press closer to him, but I couldn't be the one to make the first move. There was no way I could handle his rejection again, but more than that, I didn't want him to leave.
We remained silent, neither of us acknowledging what both of our bodies clearly wanted. His hand continued to travel along my back and along my side, making my panties damp. The feeling was maddening. "Can I ask you a question?" I finally asked bravely.
His hand stalled as if he had a sense of what I was going to ask. "Sure," he answered apprehensively.
Swallowing hard, I nearly lost my nerve before I could get the question out. "Why do you have your virgin rule?" I spit the words out, afraid that if I didn't they would get lodged in my throat forever.
When he didn't answer right away, I regretted my question. His hand lay heavy on my back. I was sure my intrusive question had placed a wedge between us. It was the question he didn't want me to ask. I tried sitting up to give him the chance to leave, but he surprised me by tightening his hold around me.
He took a deep breath and exhaled. "It's a long story," he said, sounding like he dreaded telling me the answer.
My hand inched up until it rested on his chest while I waited for him to continue. His heart beat slow and steady in my ear.
The silence stretched again between us and I began to think he wasn't willing to share his secret. I couldn't help feeling disappointed. He knew so much about me—gotten a glimpse of my weaknesses and seen me at my worst, and still, he wasn't willing to open up to me.
"It's difficult for me to talk about because it's not something I'm particularly proud of," he said, finally breaking the silence as his hand began to draw patterns on my back. "When I was nineteen, I met a girl at a college party my fraternity had thrown. My buddies and I were all freshmen and complete dogs when it came to chasing ladies. Sleeping around and one-night stands were all part of the norm. And it wasn't like the girls didn't know that going in. Sometimes they were as bad as we were. It was like a revolving door of drinking and sex. We were young and dumb."
I knew what he meant. Olivia had spent a fair amount of time jumping from one bed to the next. I never judged her. Hell, there were times when I wanted to do the same thing, experience different guys, but it was never my scene. I always managed to find an excuse. By mid-freshman year, I had become neck deep in writing, and from that moment on, I rarely emerged from that bubble until last spring. That was when I came to the startling realization that just like in high school, everyone I knew was having sex but me. It wasn't like I didn't have chances. Many guys on campus hadn't exactly been shy about propositioning me into the world of illicit sex, but somewhere in the process of writing my novels, I had built up my first time on a pedestal to the point where I began to idolize it. Like no one shy of Prince Charming himself would deflower me. What a dipshit I was.
"So, anyway," Alec continued. "We were both pretty much shitfaced when we stumbled into each other. We laughed our clumsy asses off and ended up heading out to the patio to talk and drink some more. Well, you know how those things go. We ended up doing a whole lot more than talking. Hell, I was so drunk I didn't even bag my junk like I normally would have. I knew better, but that night things escalated so fast." His voice was bitter and filled with regret. "Before I knew it, we were in my room and she was on top of me with her tongue shoved down my throat. She was wearing this little skirt that made it very easy for things to spiral out of control. The next day, I didn't give it much thought. She had left and we'd both gotten what we wanted out of the evening."
I shifted, trying to put a little distance between us. I was the one who had asked the question, but hearing how he had banged some chick made me feel slightly nauseous. I didn't want to think about his hands on some other girl while he did things to her that I ached for him to do to me.
Alec's arms remained firm, not allowing me to move. It was as if he were forcing me to listen since I had pressed. "Anyway, a couple days after the party, she started coming around, wanting to hang out like we were a couple. Literally every day after my afternoon classes I would find her sitting on the steps of the frat house. I wasn't interested in a relationship, but even when I tried to explain that to her, she wouldn't listen. Where it got really fucked up is when she dropped the bomb on me that she wasn't even a student at UF. She was starting her senior year in high school. And not only that, I was her first time—with, you know. She practically turned into a stalker, telling me she loved me, leaving notes on my car. I didn't know what to do. I was young and stupid, so I ignored her after that. She freaked. One day she showed up at the frat house and busted a window with a brick. She screamed we were over like we'd been dating for a year or something. I tried calming her down, but she wouldn't let me touch her. She stormed off and I didn't hear from her for a couple of months after that."
"Sorry. It must have been rough, huh?" Suddenly I began to understand Alec's hesitancy toward me. Not that I had any intention of going psycho on him like that poor girl had, but I could see why he would remain cautious.
"Wait, there's more. Like I said, I screwed up during our night together at the party and didn't take the necessary precautions. I believed her when she said she was on the pill. Two months later, she and her dad showed up at the frat house as I was heading out to take my bio exam."
Dread filled me as I began to suspect where this was leading. I stopped trying to pull away and instead snaked an arm around his torso so I could be the one to comfort him for a change.
"Her dad claimed that since I had knocked up his seventeen-year-old daughter, it only seemed fitting that I marry her. The only thing missing was a shotgun. It was a fucking mess. She cried the entire time and looked totally pitiful. Seeing her in tears, I realized had I not been so wasted, maybe I would have noticed that she wasn't a college student. I mean, this girl seriously looked young, even for seventeen. Sometimes, now, I think that subconsciously I had known, but all I cared about was keeping my dick happy. I was utterly disgusted with myself."
I tightened my arm around him, feeling his pain. It was a shitty situation, and I felt bad for him.
"I knew I was the king of assholes, but I also knew I couldn't marry some girl I didn't even know. We would have made each other miserable. When her father pressed me, I had to get my parents involved, who of course, agreed with me that forcing two people to get married wouldn't help either of our lives. Her father made it clear that abortion was not an option. I tried to tell Candace that I would be there for the baby. I had acted like a dickhead up until that point, but I wasn't going to shirk my responsibilities. Candace's father refused to discuss any other solution but a wedding, and everything pretty much fell apart after that. The fraternity decided they didn't want to deal with any more drama, and threw my ass out. Candace's father did everything in his power to keep me from becoming involved in the pregnancy."
I gasped at his words. "No." I couldn't believe her father had done that. I wondered what my dad would have done if I had put him in the same position. I suppose no father wanted to feel like his daughter had been taken advantage of.
"Yep. It was a nightmare. My parents had to get the courts involved. It got to the point where I couldn't concentrate on my classes, so I left school for a year while we tried to sort out the situation. I felt like my life was ruined. One single night had totally kneecapped me. All my plans and dreams had now changed."
I could not believe my ears. It was a terrible thing to happen to any person. "God, I'm sorry. They shouldn't have done that to you. You didn't deserve it."
He sighed. "It definitely made me grow up, and in the end I got a daughter out of it. She just turned five last month. She's cute as a button. I can't regret that night because without it I wouldn't have her. I hated that it played out the way it did, but Candace and I both had to make sacrifices. She basically had to give up her senior year of high school. No one was left unscathed that night, except for Lily."
My throat was thick with emotion. Alec had a daughter, and clearly he was quite fond of her. His admission was far beyond what I had been expecting when I pressed him for the answer to his virgin mystery. Hearing the way his voice had softened when he talked about Lily made me melt. Alec was proving to be a great guy.
"So, that's what you meant when you said you had to take time off from school?"
He nodded against my head. "It took me a while to get my shit together. After a lengthy court battle, I was awarded joint custody. It was rough for a couple of years after that, but eventually Candace and her family came around. She'd grown up a lot since the night we met. I guess having a child will do that. She apologized for what her dad had done and for lying to me about being on the pill. I wanted to stay mad at her, but we both agreed that we would do everything in our power to make sure Lily always came first. Candace likes to joke that Lilly wrapped me around her finger and won't let go."
"You two are close? You and Candace?" The way he talked about her, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
He nodded. "She's the mother of my child. We're always going to have that connection, but I was right when I refused to marry her. We would have never worked. I guess you could say we were destined to be friends. Maybe If I wouldn't have been some horny teenager when we met, I would have realized that." He removed his hand from my back and raised it above his head to stretch his shoulder. "I guess you could say I'm a lot smarter now when it comes to that."
Maybe I was jumping to conclusions, but I felt I knew what he was getting at. This was Alec's way of telling me we would never work. As far as he was concerned, we would never be more than friends. My stomach twisted into knots as I struggled not to embarrass myself by doing something crazy like crying. I knew that I would have to respect his decision, especially knowing what he had gone through. "Okay," I muttered against his neck. We would be friends. It's not like I had any reason to complain. He'd proven to be excellent in that category, so it wouldn't be any great hardship.
"Okay what?" he asked, pulling me closer. Feeling him pressed against me only made me angry, like he was now taunting me. If he just wanted to be friends, he shouldn't be allowed to press his hard cock against the part of me that was being denied what it wanted the most.
I attempted again to squirm out of his arms. "Okay, I get that you just want to be friends, but if that's the case, you need to stop rubbing your junk against me," I said sourly, scooting to swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I needed to put some distance between us.