He watches me for an eternity. “The guy who was twenty-two was fucked up. He should have never been with you, let alone tied you to a bed your first time.”
“I instigated our relationship… It wasn’t entirely his fault.”
“I don’t give a shit who instigated it. You were fourteen and didn’t know any better.”
I roll my eyes, more than anything to keep the tears from escaping, because he’s saying everything I wished my mother would have said when I told her, but instead she told me it was my fault and made me feel more like the whore everyone was telling me I was. “I didn’t put up very much of a fight when he was tying me up.”
He scoots closer, placing a hand on top of my rib cage, just below my breast. “Lila, everything about that story was wrong on the guy’s part. He was way too old to be messing around with a fourteen-year-old. It’s disturbing and wrong and illegal.”
“My mother didn’t think so,” I say, speaking more to the ceiling than to Ethan, my eyes locked on a crack running from the top of the wall to the fan in the middle. My vision is still blurred with tears, but thankfully no more are forcing their way up. “She said that she expected nothing less from me and then she handed me a pill so I wouldn’t have to feel all the guilt and shame I’d been feeling.”
He rolls to his side, putting his body above me, so his face is directly in my line of vision. “Are you being fucking serious right now?” Anger flashes in his eyes. “Your mother’s the one who got you started on those pills?”
I nod, startled by the fury in his eyes. “Sh-She thought she was making me feel better.”
“Your mother’s an idiot,” Ethan says, shaking his head. “Lila, seriously. That’s not normal at all. God, I hate this. I hate how parents are supposed to be the adults, and yet they act like children and bring their children down with them. It happens all the time and it’s ridiculous.”
I’m not sure what to do, all I know is now I’m worried he’s going to leave me because of how fucked up my family is. “I… it was my own fault for taking it.”
He shakes his head resolutely as he cups my face and grazes his thumb across my cheekbone, staring intensely into my eyes. “No, it wasn’t. None of what happened was your fault.” He stares at me for an eternity and I have no idea what he’s thinking, whether he’s going to leave me, what he’s going to say. Then he slides his hand down my shoulder, rests it on my side, and he pulls me against him as he turns, hugging me against him, our bodies pressed together. And it feels so amazing, just to be hugged, to know that someone cares about me, that he’s not going to run away and leave me.
“You deserve so much better than what you have,” he whispers against my head. “You really do.”
A few tears fall from my eyes, not just over my mother or what Sean did to me, or even how I spent the last six years of my life. I cry because Ethan’s holding on to me and for the first time in my entire life, I feel like someone wants to hold me just as much as I want to hold on to them.
Chapter Fifteen
Ethan
I would have never guessed. Looking at Lila, I’d always seen a beautiful girl, one who I thought had been spoiled most of her life. She seemed to always get what she wanted and did whatever she wanted. There were a few brief moments when I saw sadness in her eyes, but I never, ever thought it would be from something as dark as what she told me.
I hate her mother for starting her addiction to pills and I really, really fucking hate the perverted bastard who started this mess. I have a lot of hate floating around inside of me. It worries me, because my father has hate in him, too, and it nearly cracked my mom. But the moment Lila and I kissed I knew it was going to be very hard to let her go. And when we had sex, I knew I was done for. But what really did me in was when she told me her story, when I saw the pain in her eyes, the fear of being unloved and unwanted. Right then, I knew I wanted to take all that pain away from her. I think I can finally understand what Micha was always ranting about whenever I’d question his refusal to let Ella go, despite her problems. And I think that’s because I’m falling in love with Lila. Really falling in love.
There’s one thing I need to do, though, before I move forward with her. I need to see London, not to try to bring her back or hold on to her, but to say good-bye like I never did so I can finally move on. I’ve been clutching on to the idea of her for years now, over my guilt of walking away and the sheer fact that I wanted her, broke my rules for her, but never did fully understand her, no matter how hard I tried. I’m ready now, though, to say good-bye to London completely and Rae. Ready to move forward in my life instead of being stuck. And move forward with Lila.
I’m supposed to be booking a flight to San Diego for Ella and Micha’s wedding, but as I’m searching for flights I change the destination from California to Virginia. I search through the flights, feeling a lump form in my throat and it only grows when I click one of the cheaper flights.
I’m seriously going to do this. I’m going to let go.And hopefully move on with Lila.
Lila
It’s time to say good-bye to the ring. I haven’t put it on since I took it off while laying with Ethan and I haven’t wanted to. Now I want it gone. Forever.
I decide to go to the nearest pawn shop, which is in walking distance from the apartment. I walk into the run-down brick store pretty much shaking at the idea of setting it down on the counter, not because I am afraid but because I am so excited to be letting go of it and everything that it represents.
I have my hair down, barely touching my shoulders, and a tank top and frayed shorts on. I look so much different than the girl the ring was given to, and not just because I’m older but because I’m stronger. I’m not some girl searching for love in all the wrong places. I’m a girl who found love in the right place.
I set the ring down on the glass counter, my fingers trembling, the cashier guy looks at me like I am a crack addict, but it is okay because I am getting rid of the damn ring.
“How much can you give me for this?” I ask, wiping my sweaty palm on the side of my shorts.
He picks it up and scans it over, pretending to only be half interested. Honestly, I probably would accept a dollar, even though I need the money, because it would mean the ring is gone from my life. Luckily, though, he gives me enough that I could afford part of the rent, food, and a plane ticket to San Diego.
I tuck the cash into my pocket, smiling as I head for the door. When I step out into the sunlight, my smile only broadens and it’s the realest smile I’ve ever had because finally I’m free from my past.
Ethan
I return home from work the afternoon Lila and I are supposed to be flying out to San Diego prepared to tell Lila about who London really is and that I’m going to fly to Virginia before I head to California to see her. Normally in these kinds of situations, I’d just pack up my shit and go. I’m not used to telling anyone what I’m doing, but bailing out on Lila isn’t an option. I don’t want to hurt her, and I want her to understand and be okay with it and for her to know that I want to be with her.
“Hey,” Lila says when I walk into her room, all sweaty from the heat of the desert sun beating down on me all day. She has her suitcase opened up on her bed and she’s folding clothes and putting them into it. Her hair is pulled up and she’s got a thin tank top on that hugs her curves and for a moment I just stare at her, mesmerized by how beautiful she is. “You should go shower and pack your clothes. Our flight leaves in, like, five hours.”
I walk up to the foot of the bed, watching her move back and forth. She’s gorgeous and still so sad, but the sadness disappears every time I hold her, kiss her. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve spent so much time with the same girl, or with anyone really, and it’s nice, new, and uncomfortable.
“I have to tell you something,” I say cautiously. Panic immediately floods her eyes as she looks up at me and I quickly take her hand. “It’s not bad. It’s actually good I think. But you’re going to have to trust me.”
“Okay.” She sounds very distrustful but sits with me as I guide us to the bed, our fingers threaded together. “What is it?”
I take a deep breath. “I never booked the ticket to San Diego like I told you I did.”
Her expression falls. “What? Why?” She pauses, looking uncomfortable. “Was it because you couldn’t afford it? Because I still have some extra money from some of the jewelry I sold off.”
“No, it’s not that. I have enough saved up.” I rub my free hand down my face, blowing out a stressed breath. “You remember how I told you I stopped doing drugs very abruptly, but I never said why?”
She nods, her eyes scanning my face. “Yeah…”
“Well, the reason why was because of something that happened to this girl I was dating,” I say, massaging the back of my neck. “We were pretty serious. In fact, besides you, she was the only girl I’ve considered my girlfriend.” I pause as she tries not to smile. At first I don’t get why, but then as I retrace my words it clicks. I just declared she was my girlfriend and not even on purpose. I could take it back, but it seems really stupid and not what I want to do.
“She was into drugs,” I continue, trying to stay focused. “Heavy drugs, like heroin.” I swallow hard as images of that day surface. Needles. Sadness. Pleading. Me walking away. “The last time I saw her she was shooting up… I tried to talk her out of it, but once London made up her mind it was very hard to change it.” I inhale and exhale probably a thousand times before I can continue, the emotions I’ve kept trapped inside pouring out of me. “I got a call the next morning from her mother, saying she’d fallen out the window of a two-story house. No one at the house supposedly knew why—whether she jumped or fell. She had some serious head trauma… amnesia to be exact, but her mom was really hopeful that’d it be temporary.” I pause, remembering what it felt like to know London was alive but that she couldn’t remember anything about me—us. It hurt worse than being beaten, yelled at, watching your mother go through torture just so she could stay with your dad. It was like London had died but her spirit was still walking around haunting me. “It wasn’t temporary, though, and she never remembered who I was or a lot about herself.”