“What’s up, Carter? You okay?” our starting catcher, Frank, asked me midstep.
I glanced at him sideways before blurting out, “I’m just tired of being gone all the time. Do you ever get like that?”
“Hell yeah, man. I hate being away from Christina and the kids. It’s hands down the worst part about being a ball player.” He downed the rest of his shot. “Well, aside from the politics and all the business bullshit that ruins this sport for us. Missing the little things like making lunches, helping with homework, science fair projects, and all their games completely sucks.”
“Right? I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. Like I can’t live through another day missing all those firsts. Chance started kindergarten today and all I got was a picture. I missed his first day of school. It fucking kills me,” I admitted.
“You need a drink.” He waved the bartender over. “Scotch on the rocks.”
“I don’t drink scotch.”
“You do tonight,” he said flatly.
I shrugged, willing to try anything to help settle my soul.
“How many seasons is this for you, Carter?”
I knew what he was getting at. He wanted to know how close I was to the elusive tenth season. It was an unspoken thing we all reached for, that tenth season, which equaled full pension benefits. “Ten.”
“What are you going to do when it’s over?”
“I’m not sure,” I lied. I knew exactly what I’d be doing when this season ended, but I wasn’t telling my teammate before I informed my wife.
“It doesn’t get easier. Just so you know,” he said after finishing another drink. “It’s always the same thing. Our wives are sitting at home raising our kids without their fathers. The absolute worst part is when Christina needs help disciplining the boys and I’m not there. They fight her and there’s no one to help her keep them in line, you know? I feel like complete shit whenever she calls me crying.”
That thought killed me and it wasn’t even my family Frank was talking about. I wondered how he could be so calm about this. If Chance ever gave Kitten shit like that, I’d be on the first plane out to beat his ass. Or probably not. Because I’d get benched.
Fuck.
“Yet here we sit.” I waved my arm around the darkened space. “In a private airport lounge waiting to fly home, instead of working a normal job like the rest of the world so we could be home with our families.”
He smiled. “Eh. The rest of the world isn’t lucky enough to get to do this for a living. And you know damn well that if they could do this, they would. No real man would walk away from this opportunity.”
The hairs on my neck bristled as I formulated my response. “I don’t think playing baseball makes you a real man. I think taking care of your family and being there for them is what being a real man is about.”
He looked me directly in the eye. “But we are taking care of them, Carter. We’re providing a life for them that most can’t. I know we aren’t home all the time, but there are plenty of men who travel for work for a living. And trust me, their jobs are nowhere near as cool as ours.”
Frank was definitely a glass-half-full kind of guy and I was drowning in a glass-half-empty kind of night. “This isn’t the life I wanted to provide,” I said. My thoughts turned fuzzy as the scotch filled my head.
“Well, this is the hand you were dealt. A million other guys would gladly take your spot.”
His comment pissed me off, but he was right. I couldn’t have it both ways. I could either be a baseball player until I couldn’t throw anymore, or I could be home with my family. Either way, I needed to stop bitching like a little girl. I sounded like Dean.
As soon as I got home, I turned off the light over the stove that Cassie had left on for me. I punched in my security code and dropped my bag to the floor before I crept up the stairs. Peeking in on my little stud, I leaned down to give him a peck on the cheek. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn’t wake up.
Walking down the hallway into the master bedroom, I kissed my sleeping wife, then slipped my hand under her pajama top. She turned over and groaned. “Jack?”
“You expecting someone else?” I teased as her eyes opened.
“Maybe. What day of the week is it again?” She chuckled and I silenced her with my mouth. I nipped at her lips before she parted them so I could kiss her more deeply. Her tongue stroked against mine in a frantic dance. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too. I’m sorry I’m always gone.” I rolled on top of her and leaned on my elbows, so I could look down at her beautiful sleepy face.
“Don’t apologize, Jack. I’ve told you a hundred times that I knew what I was getting into.” Her hands cupped the sides of my face and I wanted to freeze this moment.
“But did you know I’d leave you alone when we had a kid? Did you sign up to be a single mom forever?”
“I’m not a single mom,” she huffed out before nudging me to move over. “What do you want to hear, that it sucks sometimes? That I hate it when you aren’t here? Because some days I do, Jack. I really do. Like when Chance does something so cute or says something super funny and I wish you were here to share that moment with me. And it’s not just because you’re missing the things that Chance does, but because I’m missing sharing them with you. I want to turn and look at you and laugh about how crazy our boy is, but when I look, you’re not there. And those are the parts that make me sad.”
If she wanted to break what little resolve I had left, she was doing a damn good job. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
“But most of the time, I’m okay.” She rolled onto her side to face me. “We’re okay. And those moments when I get sad, they don’t happen all the time. Of course I always wish you were here, but the really hard parts, they’re just a flash. All right?”
“I didn’t know I was marrying a superhero.”
“You didn’t? Who else would Harry Potter marry?” She laughed at the nickname she’d given me all those years ago. I couldn’t believe it had stuck after all this time. I’m way hotter than Harry fucking Potter.
The End of a Dream
I’d never planned on keeping things from Kitten, but this was something I needed to do on my own. I mentioned to her at the beginning of the season about how I was thinking about this being my last one. She smiled and patted my arm as if to fucking placate me.
She definitely didn’t think I was serious. But I was.
I am.
Lately I had begun to hate myself. I knew what I needed to do to save my family and my sanity; I had to make a choice. And there was really only one choice for me.
This whole season I’d been playing like it was the last time I’d be doing it. I said good-bye to every stadium and field as though I knew I wouldn’t be playing on it ever again. I laughed more, enjoyed the game more, felt less stressed. It was so liberating to know in my heart that I was making this decision on my own terms.
I hadn’t told anyone yet. Not my agents, not even Dean.
I’d reached that elusive tenth season and my pension was fully vested. It was a shit thing to make it about the money, but it wasn’t really about the money, per se, it was about the security for my future. My family’s future. I couldn’t play this game forever, and as respected as I was, snot-nosed little rookies who threw faster than I ever did were being born every day. Who knew, maybe one day that would be my boy. Or my nephew.
I was finally ready to say good-bye to the one thing that had owned me almost my entire life. My mind flashed back to the day I got hurt and the weeks that followed. I’d come so far from where I was then. I remembered fighting within myself and the feeling of utter dread that my career might be over. But I didn’t feel anything like that now. This decision, this moment, it felt right.
I fucking couldn’t wait to tell my girl. And my boy.
What the hell was my family going to do when Daddy was home all year long? I’d probably drive them both crazy; Cassie would probably kill me in my fucking sleep. I was sure I’d deserve it, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be there.
Heading home after the game, my mind reeled with a sense of freedom. Admittedly, I dreaded letting my agents know I wouldn’t be playing anymore, but this was my life and I needed to finally live it. I’d been an active participant only parts of my life, but the other parts I’d been more like a distant cousin you only saw once or twice a year.
Throwing open the entry door from the garage, I was met with the sound of laughter coming from upstairs. “Where’s my family?” I shouted toward the sounds.
“Daddy!” Chance screamed and hopped down the stairs two at a time. When he got to the bottom, he ran straight into my arms.
“Hey, buddy. How was your day?”
“Good! Mommy and I made chocolate chip cookies and I ate the dough.”
“Hmmm,” I said as my mouth watered. “Do you think Mommy saved any cookie dough for me?”
“Uh-huh.” His head nodded rapidly up and down, and I placed my hand on top of it to slow it down. “She put some in a box for you,” he added slyly.
“A box?” I gave him a funny look as Cassie walked into the kitchen.
“He means a container. It’s in the fridge. Hey, babe.” She pressed her mouth against mine and I almost forgot we had an audience until he tugged at my shirt.
“Daddy, will you swim with me? Mommy said I had to wait until you got home to swim. But now you’re home. Let’s swim. Please. I wanna swim.”
My eyes widened as he talked a hundred miles a minute. “Sure thing. Just let me talk to Mommy for a second, okay?”
His shoulders slumped as he said dejectedly, “Okay.”
Cassie kneeled down so that she was eye to eye with him. “Why don’t you run upstairs and go put on your swim trunks and grab your floaties, okay?”
Chance’s lip jutted out into a pout. He had Cassie’s mouth. “I don’t need my floaties, Mom!”
She stood up and put her hand on her hip. “Chance. If you don’t get your floaties, you can’t go in the pool. You know the rules.”
“Never go in the pool without floaties or an adult,” he recited in a monotone voice, and I suppressed a smile as I realized I had a lot of rules to learn.
“That’s right. Now, go get changed. Daddy will meet you in your room as soon as we’re done talking.”
“Okay!” His mood instantly improved, Chance took off running up the stairs, leaping with excitement from the left side of one stair tread to the right side of the next, just for the sheer joy of it.
“Holy shit, babe, he’s exhausting,” Cassie said. “He’s like the Energizer bunny. He’s never tired. Ever.” She blew out a breath and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand.
I took her hand and pulled her close as I reconsidered what I was about to tell her for two full seconds before blurting it out. “I’ve officially decided that I’m not playing after this season.” Holding her against me, I prayed she’d be excited as I waited for her response.