Finally, he said, “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I mean, one look at our son was all it took for me to feel completely consumed by love for him. The need to protect him, fight for him, kill for him, it filled me up the moment he took his first breath.”
I watched as he talked, not sure the direction his thoughts were taking him. Before I could form a coherent thought, he went on.
“But not once have I thought about leaving him. Or walking away. And I just don’t understand how not one of my parents, but both of them, could see me and my brother, have these feelings for us, and then leave us alone. I’d rather die than leave him. Or you. Ever.”
My heart broke in that moment for my man. Always so strong and determined, it was times like this when Jack’s hidden vulnerability shone through and we both realized how battered his soul truly was. “Babe, I don’t know what to say. Maybe they left because they loved you guys too much?”
He shook his head violently. “No! My dad left and never came back. He didn’t even say good-bye; he just left. And my mother specifically told me it was because we were bad. She made sure I knew damn well why she was choosing to leave. The two of us were so bad, she couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not love.”
“Maybe she was the bad one?” I ventured. “Maybe she thought once you boys got old enough, you’d see that she wasn’t worth loving? I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know why people do the fucked-up things they do. But I will tell you this—your parents leaving might have been the best thing in the world for you and Dean.”
He huffed out a disgusted sound and I continued. “Just hear me out. When they left, you got to be raised by two of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. And I know right now, in this beautiful moment, you can’t ever imagine feeling anything other than absolute love for our son, but there will probably come the time when you’ll want to kill him.”
Jack shot me a glare and I laughed. “Not literally, but I’m sure he’ll be a pain in the ass at some point and it probably won’t be very much fun.”
“But I’d still never want to leave,” he insisted. “No matter how bad he is, I’d never give up like that. I’d never fucking walk away. Not from either of you.” His head lowered as he stared at the floor.
“Baby, I know that. And that’s why you’re going to be such a good dad. He’s lucky to have you as his father.”
“I don’t understand how anyone can just leave. How do you walk away from this feeling and not have guilt consume you piece by piece?” He laid his head on my stomach, his tears wetting the thin sheet between us.
“I don’t either.” I reached for him, twisting my fingers through his dark hair, and tried to comfort him.
“I’ll never do that to you. To either of you. I promise,” he said fiercely, his breath hot on my stomach.
Stroking his hair, I said, “I know that. I believe you. I wouldn’t have married you if I thought you would ever leave.”
He turned his head to glance up at me. “You have a lot of faith, Kitten.”
“No. I know my man. And I love and trust him. He’s nothing like his parents. He’s not built to leave.”
“I like that. Not built to leave. Except when I left you before. I left you before.” His hands covered his face as his past ate away at his happiness.
I wanted to stop him from reliving all of the nightmares. Especially about Chrystle and the things we’d already gone through. In my opinion, those things were dead and buried and held no meaning anymore.
“Jack,” I said sternly, “that was a different time and place. You were doing the right thing. Even then, you were trying to do the right thing. None of that matters now.”
“I promise I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”
“I know. Okay? I know.” I patted his head, longing to bring him peace.
“Except for work,” he said, his words muffled against my stomach. “Shit. I’ll be gone all the fucking time for baseball.”
I sucked in a long breath. “I know that too. I knew that when I chose to marry you as well. Stop worrying about all these things, Jack. We’ll make it through.”
Jack lifted his head, pinning me with a resolute gaze. “I don’t ever want to let either of you down.”
“You won’t. Stop being so hard on yourself. Look at our baby. He’s amazing. He’s going to worship you and look up to you and want to be a baseball player just like his daddy.”
“I can’t believe I’m someone’s dad,” he breathed out, his eyes wide.
“I can.” I smiled at Jack with love and longing, wanting nothing more than to be in our new home with our baby. It felt like our lives together, as a family, were just beginning.
And I couldn’t wait to get started.
Hard to Have a Family on the Road
Being a mom was hands down the best thing I’ve done in my life so far. I loved being home with Chance, but it was hard trying to travel with Jack’s team the way I used to when it was just me. It wasn’t easy to pick up and leave for a weekend when you had a baby or a toddler to pack for. So Chance and I pretty much stopped traveling with Jack on his road trips altogether. It was too much for me to have to book our separate travel, rent a car, find the hotel, and then figure out how to get to the ball field, all with a screaming kid in my arms.
Jack and I began to argue more, until I realized that it was all the traveling that stressed me and made me lash out. Once I stopped trying to be everywhere at once, I felt myself calm down. I realized that I couldn’t be everything to everybody all the time.
Jack, on the other hand, started to flip out more. He hated that we weren’t on the road with him, but he claimed to understand. I knew, though, that it bothered him more than he let on, he just didn’t want me to feel guilty. It wasn’t that Chance and I weren’t at the games with him that bothered Jack, but the fact that our not going meant that Jack wasn’t around Chance as much as he wanted.
Being an absentee father was Jack’s worst nightmare. He really struggled with being gone so much, and said on more than one occasion that he felt like he abandoned me during the season. I reminded him that it wasn’t true, but it still ate at him.
In the meantime, Chance and I tried to make every home game. Thankfully the team provided a day care for the players’ kids during the games, which made attending Jack’s games a lot easier for a few of those years. I could watch him pitch and not be concerned that Chance was bored or hot or not having a good time. He usually didn’t want to leave when the game was over, not until he saw his dad’s face waiting for him at the door. Then our little boy’s eyes, which had turned chocolate-brown just like his father’s, would light up as he sprinted toward his dad’s open arms.
It was in those moments that I felt my heart melt into a ball of goo. I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of watching Jack interact with our son.
Dean and Melissa got married a few years ago. He proposed to her exactly one year after that night I took her to Gran’s and they finally worked it all out. I secretly worried that Melissa might have doubts and think it was too soon, but she had been smitten with Dean since the second she let him into her heart. Once she had fully committed to him, there was no going back for her. She knew he was the one.
They got married in December the next year with a lavish ceremony at the Four Seasons. Between her career and Dean’s, it was a celebrity-filled affair, with guests ranging from professional athletes to A-list movie stars. It could not have been more opposite from my wedding with Jack, which is why it took so long to plan. Of course, they planned the ceremony during the off-season so Jack could be in the wedding. In fact, all three of us were in it.
Chance was the cutest ring bearer I’d ever seen, not to mention a little naughty, but he was a little young for the job. At almost two years old, he toddled over to Gran instead of walking down the aisle. He plopped the pillow onto Gramps’ lap before hopping straight into Gran’s arms and burying his face. When she tried to point at me or Jack and tell him to bring us the pillow, he refused and wrapped his tiny arms around her instead. Gramps met me at the front of the church and handed me the rings.
I knew my face had turned beet red by that point as I glared at Jack and mouthed, “He’s your son.”
Jack mouthed back, “I know,” as I handed the minister the rings.
Melissa got pregnant almost immediately following their honeymoon, and when they had a little boy they named Coby, another Carter boy had joined the world. I feared for the girls who would have the pleasure of knowing them in the future. Since Chance and Coby were only two and a half years apart, the chances of them going to school together were high. I braced myself for those teenage years and tried not to think about it too hard or I’d never sleep again.
I thought I would miss working a lot more than I have. We’ve been so blessed to be in the position where I not only don’t have to work, but I could most likely pick right back up from where I left off when I did decide to restart my business.
Not that I’d be working in New York, of course, but since I was a professional photographer with one hell of a portfolio, I could freelance when I was ready. But that wouldn’t be for quite a while. Nora offered me a one-month gig in France recently, but I turned it down. She said she knew I would, but she wanted to offer it to me anyway.
Jack encouraged my going to France for the shoot since it was during his off-season, but I refused to leave my boys during those rare months we actually got to be a family unit. Being away from Chance and Jack for that long by choice wasn’t something I was comfortable with. And since I didn’t want to take any work during Jack’s baseball season, I spent my time taking silly pictures of Chance and the ocean outside my office window. Maybe once Chance got older, I might consider traveling for shoots, but maybe not. Only time would tell.
I still woke up every morning feeling blessed for the opportunity to live in this house. There’d been more than one occasion where I’d walked the beach for hours, allowing my thoughts to get lost in the sand between my feet.
Chance fell in love with the ocean as soon as he could walk. He would spend all day playing in the sand if I’d let him, and I’ve stopped him from running straight into the water more often than not. No one told me how difficult it was to reason with a child. They simply don’t have the understanding of fear the way we do.
In some ways I envied Chance’s state of mind. I knew he was a child, but he was fearless and did things that adults would never do simply because he wanted to. The mom in me attempted to balance instituting some fear in him to keep him safe, while also encouraging his desire to try new things and be brave. Being a mom meant that each day I was challenged in a new way. It was the toughest, yet most rewarding job I’d ever have.
Jack was still playing for the Angels, although there was one year when talks of a trade scared us half to death. The thought of Jack moving to another state for eight months out of the year didn’t sit well with either of us.